GOP to Block Nomination of Jesus to HHS


WASHINGTON – Still licking wounds from the setback over Ambassador Susan Rice and preparing for another battle with Republicans over of the appointment of Chuck Hagel to the Pentagon, the White House once again finds itself facing resistance from the right over a cabinet nomination. This time, the Republican party is united in opposition to the nomination Jesus Christ as Secretary of…

Congress Plans to Begin Debt Ceiling Negotiations One Hour Before Deadline

obama-boehner

WASHINGTON — In a joint statement, Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid today announced that both chambers of Congress will begin debating and negotiating a solution to the looming debt ceiling crisis exactly one hour before the crisis hits and destroys the American economy. “Secretary Geithner has informed us that while the government reached the debt…

NYPD Busts Intern Trafficking Ring

NEW YORK — NYPD Detectives raided Soho public-relations firm FaceWise and discovered a brutal intern trafficking ring that included over two dozen individuals locked in a series of walk-in supply closets. The interns were found gagged, sitting Indian style, with little to no hope they would be hired. “I looked through the cracks of the closet and saw 10 to 12 beady…

Harry Reid Blames Boehner for Panic of 1837, Dred Scott Decision and Watergate, Among Others

WASHINGTON – In yet another rousing speech from the Senate floor, Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) reiterated the importance of reaching a fiscal cliff deal and stuck to his strategy of placing all the blame for the nation’s difficulties squarely on the shoulders of House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio). The speech began, as so many have before it, with a condemnation…

New Bill Allows College Graduates to Proceed Straight to Unemployment Line

WASHINGTON — In response to the growing frustrations of jobless (or interning and income-less) college graduates, Congress has passed a new bill that will allow recent grads to bypass the employment phase entirely and collect unemployment benefits immediately after graduating. At several public universities, students can even receive their first government check at the same time as they are handed their diploma.…

Congress Throws $10m Party to Celebrate 8% Rise in Approval Ratings

WASHINGTON — The Senate and House of Representatives have green-lit plans for a lavish, luxurious $10 million party next week, in celebration of congressional approval ratings rising from 13% to 21%. Last week, the Gallup Organization revealed that pre-election approval ratings had risen 8% for Congress since the last monthly poll in September.  The results reflected Americans’ increasing confidence in the economy,…

The NRA Announces New “Guns for Girls” Program

WASHINGTON — Citing a lack of advocacy or interest toward domestic abuse and violence against women, President of the NRA, David Keene announced the introduction of a new “Guns for Girls” program targeted at addressing this issue. Shocked by the fact that 1/3 of women in the world will experience some form of violence during their lives, the NRA, largely considered one…

NRA: Crazed Shooters Will Eventually Tire Themselves Out

BROOKFIELD, Wis. — In the wake of tragic shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin there’s been a lot of talk about the need to pass new gun control laws, particularly those meant to restrict private citizens from possessing automatic weapons, high capacity magazines, and surface-to-air missiles. But the National Rifle Association (NRA) denies that restricting firearms ownership is the solution. Instead, the pro-gun…