WASHINGTON – Still licking wounds from the setback over Ambassador Susan Rice and preparing for another battle with Republicans over of the appointment of Chuck Hagel to the Pentagon, the White House once again finds itself facing resistance from the right over a cabinet nomination. This time, the Republican party is united in opposition to the nomination Jesus Christ as Secretary of…
WASHINGTON — In a joint statement, Speaker of the House John Boehner and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid today announced that both chambers of Congress will begin debating and negotiating a solution to the looming debt ceiling crisis exactly one hour before the crisis hits and destroys the American economy. “Secretary Geithner has informed us that while the government reached the debt…
NEW YORK — NYPD Detectives raided Soho public-relations firm FaceWise and discovered a brutal intern trafficking ring that included over two dozen individuals locked in a series of walk-in supply closets. The interns were found gagged, sitting Indian style, with little to no hope they would be hired. “I looked through the cracks of the closet and saw 10 to 12 beady…
WASHINGTON – In yet another rousing speech from the Senate floor, Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) reiterated the importance of reaching a fiscal cliff deal and stuck to his strategy of placing all the blame for the nation’s difficulties squarely on the shoulders of House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio). The speech began, as so many have before it, with a condemnation…
WASHINGTON — In response to the growing frustrations of jobless (or interning and income-less) college graduates, Congress has passed a new bill that will allow recent grads to bypass the employment phase entirely and collect unemployment benefits immediately after graduating. At several public universities, students can even receive their first government check at the same time as they are handed their diploma.…
MENLO PARK, Calif. — In a last-minute scramble before the election results came in, millions of Facebook idiots were trying to figure out what to post as a status once the election was over. Both Twitter and Facebook were overtaken with zingers during all of election season, but now Facebook users are running out of cool things to say. One Facebook user,…
WASHINGTON — The Senate and House of Representatives have green-lit plans for a lavish, luxurious $10 million party next week, in celebration of congressional approval ratings rising from 13% to 21%. Last week, the Gallup Organization revealed that pre-election approval ratings had risen 8% for Congress since the last monthly poll in September. The results reflected Americans’ increasing confidence in the economy,…
WASHINGTON — Citing a lack of advocacy or interest toward domestic abuse and violence against women, President of the NRA, David Keene announced the introduction of a new “Guns for Girls” program targeted at addressing this issue. Shocked by the fact that 1/3 of women in the world will experience some form of violence during their lives, the NRA, largely considered one…
WASHINGTON – As most of America wallowed in a sort of collective despair, resigned to the dismal prospect of receiving Obama spam for the rest of their earthly lives, the President on Tuesday ignited a real glimmer of hope for the future. “I will never stop spamming,” Obama said firmly, “but, from this point forward, anyone who donates to my campaign will…
BROOKFIELD, Wis. — In the wake of tragic shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin there’s been a lot of talk about the need to pass new gun control laws, particularly those meant to restrict private citizens from possessing automatic weapons, high capacity magazines, and surface-to-air missiles. But the National Rifle Association (NRA) denies that restricting firearms ownership is the solution. Instead, the pro-gun…
