WASHINGTON – “It is really just a family friendly day with a focus on military-grade assault rifles,” said Chip Smith, gun shop owner and co-sponsor of Gun Appreciation Day. While the event is scheduled a mere two days before the inauguration, Smith took great pains to make it clear that the underwriters of Gun Appreciation Day do not believe that President Obama…
WASHINGTON – Still licking wounds from the setback over Ambassador Susan Rice and preparing for another battle with Republicans over of the appointment of Chuck Hagel to the Pentagon, the White House once again finds itself facing resistance from the right over a cabinet nomination. This time, the Republican party is united in opposition to the nomination Jesus Christ as Secretary of…
WASHINGTON — In the aftermath of the ‘fiscal cliff’ accord deal reached by Congress, Obama once again came under withering criticism by the liberal wing of his party, who complained that it was another instance of the President caving when he held almost all the cards. The president, clearly stung by this critique, held an impromptu press conference yesterday and defended his…
DAMASCUS, Syria – President Bashar al-Assad and the rebels fighting to oust him agreed last week to a ceasefire during the Muslim holiday Eid al-Adha, which celebrates the end of the Hajj, the annual pilgrimage to Mecca. Muslims throughout Syria agreed that it was the decent thing to do to not kill one another in honor of the holiday, but to return…
BELMONT, Mass. – My fellow Americans, I would like to thank you for the support I have received throughout my campaign for the presidency. While it did not lead to the desired result, I still believe I have contributed to the political discourse in this great nation, and I have the support of millions to thank for that. It’s getting closer and…
OMAHA, Nebraska — A recent poll from Gallup, Inc., has revealed that the vast majority of Americans are unsure as to when the presidential election will take place. Gallup, known for its persistent polling on political issues, but also for some vague polls such as the “Happiness” and “Suffering” series, inaugurated its newest poll during the week of October 19. The organization…
ATHENS – The Hellenic Parliament of Greece has unanimously voted to activate a time machine that will return the nation of Greece to its cultural and political zenith of 411 B.C. Greece, which has struggled for years with a destabilizing debt crisis and soaring unemployment, was once the birthplace of democracy and Western Civilization, home to the great minds of Socrates, Aristotle,…
PHOENIX – A special edition of the popular MTV program “Cribs” has gone inside the home of Jim Larkin, co-owner of the controversial classifieds site, Backpage.com. Despite myriad reports of prostitution and human trafficking advertisements on the site – often involving minors — Backpage.com has earned Larkin millions and allowed him to live a life usually reserved for top-tier celebrities and Fortune…
WASHINGTON – A Newslo voter poll of conspiracy theorists shows an abrupt change in perception since the first presidential debate last week. Fervent believers in baseless theories about President Obama have now become his largest supporters, having realized that a Romney victory will rob their lives of any purpose. This shift in a key element of the Republican voting base will hugely…
DES MOINES, Iowa – Iowa factory worker Jonathan Flagler, 30, has decided to cast his vote for Barack Obama after actress Scarlett Johansson vocally endorsed the incumbent president. Flagler had reviewed both Obama and Romney’s political platforms and looked at each candidate’s record, but still could not make up his mind until the blonde bombshell threw her weight behind the president. “Her…
REDWOOD CITY, Calif. – EA Sports has announced that next year’s installment of its popular NHL video game series will introduce Lockout Mode, an exciting new feature that promises to make the game more lifelike than ever before. The “NHL 14” video game is planned to be entirely unplayable, never turning on and responding to no commands. With the real NHL season…
TLC is one of the most popular networks on cable television, housing some of the most watched shows of this year and years past. But what is America really “learning” from The Learning Channel? We have absolutely no idea. The Exploitation Channel is probably a more accurate name, and if TLC would just own up to it, we’d be okay with that.…
WICHITA, Kansas — For industrial magnates Charles and David Koch, using their wealth to influence public opinion on anthropogenic global warming and the environmental impact of petroleum-based industry is nothing new. But now the Koch brothers are experimenting with a new tactic by collaborating with rapper Cam’ron. The brothers’ latest scheme involves Cam’ron’s 2004 “Stop Snitchin’” campaign, which urged Baltimore residents to…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An aide working in the White House has come forward, on the basis of anonymity, with new claims that Barack and Michelle Obama have a “swingers club” with global music superstars Beyoncé and Jay-Z. The two couples, arguably two of the most powerful on the planet, have enjoyed a highly publicized friendship since the Grammy winners supported the President…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrat House leader Nancy Pelosi held her landmark 12,000th press conference today to unveil the controversial new congressional bill. “This is our promise to America,” Pelosi said. “If you get off your couch and vote for us in November, we’ll pay for you to sit at home on your lazy ass for the next four years.” The bill would…
AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Cal State Northridge grad-student Derek Zithfvelt was appalled to discover the little plastic card he has been toting around in his wallet to use for expenses such as food, coffee, gas, and clothes was not free money but actually a credit-borrowing program designed to build consumer debt and benefit big banks through calculated interest. “I had no idea,”…
HARRISBURG, Penn. — In an ongoing push for stricter voter identification laws, Pennsylvania has issued a list of obscure and generally inaccessible items that Pennsylvania voters must ascertain before entering the voting booth. Pennsylvania, a swing state, is one of several states that have recently passed laws requiring a government-issued photo ID to vote. Though such laws are expected to disenfranchise 11%…
NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A newly constructed high school in the Metropolitan Nashville Public Schools district is the first public school in the United States to embrace the Discovery Institute’s “Teach the Controversy” philosophy in its curriculum. While “Teach the Controversy” campaigners typically only challenge biology-related concepts that undermine the theory of evolution, Kirk Cameron High School’s new approach empowers teachers to teach…
LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s spokesman Charles West released a statement saying, “The astronomical divorce rates among celebrities compromises the sanctity of marriage that God left us to enforce.” “God created marriage for man and woman, not…
FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sources have confirmed that the National Rifle Association’s vice president, Wayne LaPierre, has been sitting up all night in his unlocked Virginia house waiting for an intruder to break in so he can blast him to pieces with his machine gun. “I have a right to protect my home and property,” said LaPierre in a statement. “Plus I’d…
NEW YORK — Participants in the Occupy Wall Street anniversary reoccupation on September 17 have reportedly been left with a sour taste in their mouths after discovering that many friends left Zuccotti Park early to camp out for the new Apple iPhone. Mark Randolph, a longtime supporter of the Occupy Wall Street movement who occupied the Park for nearly two months in…
