GOP to Block Nomination of Jesus to HHS


WASHINGTON – Still licking wounds from the setback over Ambassador Susan Rice and preparing for another battle with Republicans over of the appointment of Chuck Hagel to the Pentagon, the White House once again finds itself facing resistance from the right over a cabinet nomination. This time, the Republican party is united in opposition to the nomination Jesus Christ as Secretary of…

Obama Playing ‘Real Long’ Game, Vows Not to Back Down Once He Leaves Office

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WASHINGTON — In the aftermath of the ‘fiscal cliff’ accord deal reached by Congress, Obama once again came under withering criticism by the liberal wing of his party, who complained that it was another instance of the President caving when he held almost all the cards. The president, clearly stung by this critique, held an impromptu press conference yesterday and defended his…

Romney Concession Speech Leaked

BELMONT, Mass. – My fellow Americans, I would like to thank you for the support I have received throughout my campaign for the presidency. While it did not lead to the desired result, I still believe I have contributed to the political discourse in this great nation, and I have the support of millions to thank for that. It’s getting closer and…

Gallup Poll Finds That 48% of Americans Believe There Is An Election in November

OMAHA, Nebraska — A recent poll from Gallup, Inc., has revealed that the vast majority of Americans are unsure as to when the presidential election will take place. Gallup, known for its persistent polling on political issues, but also for some vague polls such as the “Happiness” and “Suffering” series, inaugurated its newest poll during the week of October 19. The organization…

Greece to Return to Classical Era

ATHENS – The Hellenic Parliament of Greece has unanimously voted to activate a time machine that will return the nation of Greece to its cultural and political zenith of 411 B.C. Greece, which has struggled for years with a destabilizing debt crisis and soaring unemployment, was once the birthplace of democracy and Western Civilization, home to the great minds of Socrates, Aristotle,…

“MTV Cribs: Backpage.com’s Jim Larkin” — The House That Human Trafficking Built

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PHOENIX – A special edition of the popular MTV program “Cribs” has gone inside the home of Jim Larkin, co-owner of the controversial classifieds site, Backpage.com. Despite myriad reports of prostitution and human trafficking advertisements on the site – often involving minors — Backpage.com has earned Larkin millions and allowed him to live a life usually reserved for top-tier celebrities and Fortune…

Undecided Voter Goes With Obama after Scarlett Johansson Endorsement

DES MOINES, Iowa – Iowa factory worker Jonathan Flagler, 30, has decided to cast his vote for Barack Obama after actress Scarlett Johansson vocally endorsed the incumbent president. Flagler had reviewed both Obama and Romney’s political platforms and looked at each candidate’s record, but still could not make up his mind until the blonde bombshell threw her weight behind the president. “Her…

TLC: We Love You, but Seriously?

TLC is one of the most popular networks on cable television, housing some of the most watched shows of this year and years past. But what is America really “learning” from The Learning Channel? We have absolutely no idea. The Exploitation Channel is probably a more accurate name, and if TLC would just own up to it, we’d be okay with that.…

Koch Brothers Re-appropriate “Stop Snitchin’” Campaign

WICHITA, Kansas — For industrial magnates Charles and David Koch, using their wealth to influence public opinion on anthropogenic global warming and the environmental impact of petroleum-based industry is nothing new. But now the Koch brothers are experimenting with a new tactic by collaborating with rapper Cam’ron. The brothers’ latest scheme involves Cam’ron’s 2004 “Stop Snitchin’” campaign, which urged Baltimore residents to…

Report: Credit Card Not Free Money

AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Cal State Northridge grad-student Derek Zithfvelt was appalled to discover the little plastic card he has been toting around in his wallet to use for expenses such as food, coffee, gas, and clothes was not free money but actually a credit-borrowing program designed to build consumer debt and benefit big banks through calculated interest. “I had no idea,”…

Pennsylvania Passes Law Requiring Voters To Complete Scavenger Hunt Before Voting

HARRISBURG, Penn. — In an ongoing push for stricter voter identification laws, Pennsylvania has issued a list of obscure and generally inaccessible items that Pennsylvania voters must ascertain before entering the voting booth. Pennsylvania, a swing state, is one of several states that have recently passed laws requiring a government-issued photo ID to vote. Though such laws are expected to disenfranchise 11%…

Teach The Controversy Bill Allows Teachers to Teach “Pretty Much Whatever They Feel Like”

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A newly constructed high school in the Metropolitan Nashville Public Schools district is the first public school in the United States to embrace the Discovery Institute’s “Teach the Controversy” philosophy in its curriculum. While “Teach the Controversy” campaigners typically only challenge biology-related concepts that undermine the theory of evolution, Kirk Cameron High School’s new approach empowers teachers to teach…

California Becomes First State to Ban Celebrity Marriage

LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s spokesman Charles West released a statement saying, “The astronomical divorce rates among celebrities compromises the sanctity of marriage that God left us to enforce.” “God created marriage for man and woman, not…