Special Report: Tamerlan Tsarnaev Wore Tighty-Whiteys, Had Mole on Left Ankle

BOSTON – An investigation conducted by Newslo has uncovered the shocking and highly germane fact that Tamerlan Tsarnaev—the deceased suspect in the April 15 Boston Marathon bombings—wore tighty-whitey underwear, as opposed to boxers or boxer-briefs. Sources confirm that the elder Tsarnaev, thought to be the primary plotter of the attacks, wore the classic tighty-whiteys mostly for comfort reasons, but also because he…

McConnell Will Work with Obama if Reid Drawn and Quartered

WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell  (R-KY) today announced his willingness to sit down with President Obama to work on a “Grand Bargain” on budget and tax issues. The only stipulation McConnell placed on his offer to reach across the aisle for the good of the nation is that current Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) be drawn and quartered before…

North Korea Declares Total War on Sky, Clouds

North Korea

SEOUL — In a stunning move, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) has finally issued a declaration of war—not on South Korea, Japan or the United States, as some experts believed was inevitable, but rather on the clouds and sky that hang above our heads. Saying that the time has come to “liberate the eyes and minds of the North Korean…

Rogaine Backs Romney-Ryan Ticket

Romney-rogaine

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson has issued a statement claiming that Rogaine, one of its subsidiaries, has officially backed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Rumors contend that the endorsement came complete with a seven-figure donation to the campaign and a lifetime supply of the hair-growth supplement. Sources within Rogaine claim that, while the company has never before…

California Becomes First State to Ban Celebrity Marriage

LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s spokesman Charles West released a statement saying, “The astronomical divorce rates among celebrities compromises the sanctity of marriage that God left us to enforce.” “God created marriage for man and woman, not…

Wall St. To Democrats: “Stop Treating Me Like Your Sidepiece”

NEW YORK — Leaked late-night text messages from Wall St. to the Democratic National Committee have revealed Wall St.’s growing discontent towards liberals’ treatment of the financial community as an “ugly mistress.” The text messages point to the Democrats’ constant condemnation of Wall St., but also expose the behind-closed-doors love affair taking place out of sight of Main Street, the Democrats’ longtime…

Newslo Declares War on The Onion

NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press Secretary for Newslo, the site announced a preemptive strike on The Onion after Newslo’s intelligence department discovered The Onion’s plan for an attempted Internet takeover. Arkin explained that The Onion has “slowly,…