“Constitution shmonstitution. The mark of a good Supreme Court justice is whether he or she agrees with me.”
BOSTON – An investigation conducted by Newslo has uncovered the shocking and highly germane fact that Tamerlan Tsarnaev—the deceased suspect in the April 15 Boston Marathon bombings—wore tighty-whitey underwear, as opposed to boxers or boxer-briefs. Sources confirm that the elder Tsarnaev, thought to be the primary plotter of the attacks, wore the classic tighty-whiteys mostly for comfort reasons, but also because he…
WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) today announced his willingness to sit down with President Obama to work on a “Grand Bargain” on budget and tax issues. The only stipulation McConnell placed on his offer to reach across the aisle for the good of the nation is that current Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) be drawn and quartered before…
SEOUL — In a stunning move, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) has finally issued a declaration of war—not on South Korea, Japan or the United States, as some experts believed was inevitable, but rather on the clouds and sky that hang above our heads. Saying that the time has come to “liberate the eyes and minds of the North Korean…
WASHINGTON — While Secretary of State John Kerry’s admission to students in Berlin that in America “you have a right to be stupid if you want to be” was immediately seized upon as a gaffe, his sincerity became apparent as soon as the politician returned home and began pressuring lawmakers and citizens to push for a Constitutional amendment guaranteeing that very right…
CLEVELAND — According to sources close to the Republican nominee, the Romney campaign is going on a fact-free diet until Election Day. “We’d been trying a low-fact approach lately, but we were still feeling really sluggish in the polls,” said Romney. “Just low energy, you know?” But if the Romney campaign was going to be at its best, it had to cut…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrat House leader Nancy Pelosi held her landmark 12,000th press conference today to unveil the controversial new congressional bill. “This is our promise to America,” Pelosi said. “If you get off your couch and vote for us in November, we’ll pay for you to sit at home on your lazy ass for the next four years.” The bill would…
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A spokesman for Johnson & Johnson has issued a statement claiming that Rogaine, one of its subsidiaries, has officially backed Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Rumors contend that the endorsement came complete with a seven-figure donation to the campaign and a lifetime supply of the hair-growth supplement. Sources within Rogaine claim that, while the company has never before…
LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s spokesman Charles West released a statement saying, “The astronomical divorce rates among celebrities compromises the sanctity of marriage that God left us to enforce.” “God created marriage for man and woman, not…
NEW YORK — Leaked late-night text messages from Wall St. to the Democratic National Committee have revealed Wall St.’s growing discontent towards liberals’ treatment of the financial community as an “ugly mistress.” The text messages point to the Democrats’ constant condemnation of Wall St., but also expose the behind-closed-doors love affair taking place out of sight of Main Street, the Democrats’ longtime…
NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press Secretary for Newslo, the site announced a preemptive strike on The Onion after Newslo’s intelligence department discovered The Onion’s plan for an attempted Internet takeover. Arkin explained that The Onion has “slowly,…