“One day he’s feeding the masses, the next he’s tying a 14 year-old girl to a chair and drenching her with Holy Water. It keeps everybody on their toes.”
News that some priests will be openly identifying as Marxist has upset many Catholics, particularly in the United States. Bill Donahue, president of the Catholic League, said that it might be the “final straw.”
“They certainly wouldn’t enjoy it,” he added.
“For making ‘twerking’ into a household word, for standing up to the Taliban for women’s education, and for forcing a discussion on the balance of freedom and security, Pope Francis is Time’s 2013 Person of the Year.”
“It was bad enough when this Pope was washing women’s feet a few months ago. Now he’s swapped the New Testament for Rules for Radicals.”
“Opening up the Church to all of God’s children is the just and moral thing to do,” Francis continued, “and I won’t be persuaded otherwise, especially by a man who couldn’t even beat Bob Dole in the ’96 Republican primaries.”
He also added that while he is all for honoring Church traditions, “a bunch of dudes in long flowing gowns who’ve never been on a date should probably not bring up the topic of gender and sexuality unprovoked.”
“But it cannot be denied,” added Rosica, “the drums of war have been silenced by Pope Francis’s prayer vigil. We fear that without such a prayer, the world would be at war by now.”
“Who wouldn’t want to speed up their arrival to a place like that?” Gracias said.
“Hey, I’m only here because the last guy burned out. And I can see why.”
VATICAN CITY — A week after creating his advisory board, Pope Francis is stepping in to mediate a conflict between its appointed members and God. Sources at the Vatican confirm that the mounting disagreements between the prelates and the Lord Almighty concern managerial and financial matters. The Pope created the advisory committee, made up of eight people, to counsel him in fixing…