“America has never been the bad guy, and I don’t plan on making her into one while she’s under my watch”
“Vladimir the Sneaky” had other things in mind; things like Jinping’s wife
“The news caught him off guard, and he appeared very shocked, at first”
“Maybe I should remind Mr. Boehner that I’m a black belt in judo”
Mitt Romney could not be reached for comment.
“The North Koreans??? What even happens in that movie? Do they infiltrate the White House with muddy feet?” the President of the Russian Federation asked.
“If he defeats me,” said Putin, “not only will I vacate our stronghold, I will also buy him a Happy Meal.”
“He saw him as a boy with an angry father,” Mrs. Putina asserted. “That is why he would not send him back to America. It had nothing to do with a fair trial and everything to do with his father missing all those ballet recitals.”
“To prove that neither I nor the people of Russia have anything against gay people, I plan to perform with Elton in on the world’s biggest stage.”
“If I must shake her hand,” a squeamish and slightly nauseated Putin said, “both my hand and her hand will be lathered in hand sanitizer pre and post shake. You can never be too careful about getting ‘the gay’ on you.”
“Not only is Putin one of us,” Buchanan claimed, “but he could also be the one to lead America out of its decrepit state of immorality.”
“I wish I knew what to do with these intransient Tea Party members that have taken the government hostage,” exclaimed Kerry, “but it’s not like Russia can swoop in and save the day every time.
Putin told Times reporters that he was excited by the opportunity to write about his opinions on Syria, but even more excited by how good this experience will look on his resume.
The Russian President, a noted C.S.I. fan, also said that chemical weapons found lathered in the Syrian Presidents semen and fingerprints would suffice, but, barring such “smoking gun” evidence, he would have to refrain from approving military action in Syria.
Putin said that, in light of Manning’s revelation, a prison sentence is far too lenient. “The only thing to do with a pervert like Bradley… I mean Chelsea–whatever–is to put it out of its misery,” Putin said. “Execution is the only choice.”
The Russian president reiterated that leaking sensitive information was “totally cool with him,” so long as Snowden didn’t engage in any “gay stuff.”