Obama Thinking About Lifting Sanctions Against Russian Ruble: “It’s Not Real Money, Anyway”
“America has never been the bad guy, and I don’t plan on making her into one while she’s under my watch”
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Putin
16 posts
Divorced And On The Prowl, Putin Goes Interracial
“Vladimir the Sneaky” had other things in mind; things like Jinping’s wife
Obama Writes Private Letter To Ayatollah; Putin Pouts In Jealousy
“The news caught him off guard, and he appeared very shocked, at first”
House Speaker John Boehner Pisses Off Vladimir Putin
“Maybe I should remind Mr. Boehner that I’m a black belt in judo”
Putin Remembers World War I by Preparing for World War III
Mitt Romney could not be reached for comment.
Russia Vies Once Again To Embody Bad Guy in Every Movie
“The North Koreans??? What even happens in that movie? Do they infiltrate the White House with muddy feet?” the President of the Russian Federation asked.
Putin Occupies McDonald’s PlayPlace in Crimea, Refuses to Leave Without Wrestling Grimace
“If he defeats me,” said Putin, “not only will I vacate our stronghold, I will also buy him a Happy Meal.”
Putin’s Mother Claims He Wasn’t Hugged Enough As Child
“He saw him as a boy with an angry father,” Mrs. Putina asserted. “That is why he would not send him back to America. It had nothing to do with a fair trial and everything to do with his father missing all those ballet recitals.”
Putin, Elton John to Sing in ‘Totally Not Homophobic’ Olympic Ceremony
“To prove that neither I nor the people of Russia have anything against gay people, I plan to perform with Elton in on the world’s biggest stage.”
Vladimir Putin Insists on Purell Before and After Billy Jean King Handshake
“If I must shake her hand,” a squeamish and slightly nauseated Putin said, “both my hand and her hand will be lathered in hand sanitizer pre and post shake. You can never be too careful about getting ‘the gay’ on you.”
Pat Buchanan Wants Russia’s Putin for U.S. President
“Not only is Putin one of us,” Buchanan claimed, “but he could also be the one to lead America out of its decrepit state of immorality.”
Breaking: Putin Intervenes to Resolve Government Shutdown
“I wish I knew what to do with these intransient Tea Party members that have taken the government hostage,” exclaimed Kerry, “but it’s not like Russia can swoop in and save the day every time.
Vladimir Putin Begins Unpaid Internship at The New York Times
Putin told Times reporters that he was excited by the opportunity to write about his opinions on Syria, but even more excited by how good this experience will look on his resume.
Putin: I Won’t Support Strike Unless I See Assad Using Chemical Weapons While Holding Two Forms of I.D.
The Russian President, a noted C.S.I. fan, also said that chemical weapons found lathered in the Syrian Presidents semen and fingerprints would suffice, but, barring such “smoking gun” evidence, he would have to refrain from approving military action in Syria.
Putin: ‘Chelsea’ Manning Should be Executed
Putin said that, in light of Manning's revelation, a prison sentence is far too lenient. "The only thing to do with a pervert like Bradley... I mean Chelsea--whatever--is to put it out of its misery," Putin said. "Execution is the only choice."
Putin Grants Snowden Asylum After Confirming It Would Not Look Gay
The Russian president reiterated that leaking sensitive information was “totally cool with him,” so long as Snowden didn’t engage in any “gay stuff.”