Rand Paul: “Why are they showing Interracial Hugging On The News?”

“Portland, Oregon – a photo of a white police office hugging a black 12-year old boy with tears streaming down his face has managed to circle the world in a day.

“Literally every major TV, news and internet portal have featured the artwork of Johnny Nguyen, 20, a freelance photographer.

“The boy, who was holding a sign offering “Free Hugs” at a protest on Tuesday over a jury’s decision not to indict Officer Darren Wilson in the death of Michal Brown was approached by Portland police Sgt. Bret Barnum, prior to extending his hand.

“According to the boy’s mother, “the officer asked Devonte (the boy’s name) why he was crying, and after the child responded he was concerned about the level of police brutality towards young black kids, the officer asked if he could have one of his free hugs.”

“Coincidence would have it that Mr. Nguyen was there with a camera, and the rest has already made history.

“Within hours of its posting, the picture had been shared in excess of 150,000 times;apparently, not one of those shares was thanks to Republican Rand Paul, whose inflammatory statements have caused such an immense reaction of the public, that even Facebook creator, Mark Zuckerberg, had to react and call for peace via personal Facebook status.

“I will personally see to it that that Portland police officer gets suspended and is docked pay; he must be out of his mind hugging a black kid during a protest over another white guy getting off the hook for killing another black kid!” Rand reportedly screamed at his assistant after having seen the report on TV.

He allegedly continued in the same manner: “to hell with all that the Republican Party does for white people; we bust our asses and get THIS in return?! Oh no, I’ll show them!
Paul was quick to make good on his threats; in a subsequent interview with Fox News, he stated that it’s “outrageous what white people are letting themselves go through to undermine the GOP.”

And then the bombshell came on: “you know what? If Americans are prepared to smash and break government property all over the country over one little grand jury decision, I’d like to see what they’ll do after a no-mixed-race-hugging-law-in-public is passed by the Senate? Actually, they best get ready; I’m not a man who makes empty promises!”

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Rand Paul Blames Unemployment On Unemployment Benefits

WASHINGTON – Kentucky Republican Senator Rand Paul this week explained his opposition to extending emergency unemployment benefits by claiming that the existence of unemployment benefits are the main reason so many Americans remained unemployed.

“When you allow people to be on unemployment insurance for 99 weeks, you’re causing them to become part of this perpetual unemployed group in our economy,” said Paul. “And it really – while it seems good, it actually does a disservice to the people you’re trying to help.”

The Senator went on to say that the only reason people remain unemployed at all is because they know that the government will give them unemployment benefits as long as they choose not to work. “It’s not rocket science,” he said. “Right now, in Obama’s America, you can work and get money, or not work and get money. What we need to do is change the system so that if you don’t work, you don’t get money. Then everybody will get a job.”

Paul referenced a study which showed that employers were less likely to hire the long-term unemployed, such as individuals who have been on the emergency 99 weeks of unemployment benefits. “Employers know that people who have been unemployed for that long… it’s a choice. A lifestyle. Employers are wising up and not hiring these people,” he said. “The only way to help the unemployed is to stop helping them!”

Senator Paul said he planned on introducing legislation that would eliminate unemployment benefits for all Americans who are currently or will in the future be out of work. The legislation is named the “Stop Giving Unemployed People Any Money” Act of 2014, and already has 21 GOP co-sponsors.

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Rand Paul Admits Basing Ideology off Ayn Rand CliffsNotes

WASHINGTON — Senator Rand Paul’s political future continued to dim this week as reporters and adversaries unearthed further instances of plagiarism stretching back to the Kentucky senator’s formative schooldays.

Initial reports that the senator lifted portions of his speeches from Wikipedia were initially dismissed as the indiscretions of young staffers, but further investigation revealed that Paul’s entire political philosophy may have been based on a slapdash book report copied, in large part, from CliffsNotes.

Paul’s high school book report, entitled “Objectivism in Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand by Randal Paul,” includes entire paragraphs lifted verbatim from the popular study guide designed for students who prefer to skip the tedious prose and get straight to the executive summary.

Joanne Taggart, who taught Paul at Brazoswood High School where he was involved in swimming and football, said, “Randal didn’t spend a lot of time hitting the books.” She remembers Paul “complaining that ‘Atlas Shrugged’ was, ‘not in any literary sense a serious novel, it [was] an earnest one, belligerent and unremitting in its earnestness.’”

Fact checkers have since sourced Paul’s criticism back to a 1957 review by Granville Hicks of the New York Times.

Taggart characterized Paul’s grasp of Ayn Rand’s philosophy as, “loose at best, designed to woo the ladies into thinking he was a serious intellectual when he was anything but.”

Unsurprised that Paul apparently never read any of Ayn Rand’s books in full despite regularly quoting them at length in Congress, Taggart suggested that, “Randal—or Rand as he’s now known—is as unfit for the U.S. presidency as he was for class president.”

Paul defended himself by calling Rachel Maddow, who first raised the charges against him, a “hater” and maintained that he is “not a plagiarist.”“A plagiarist is someone who commits the ‘wrongful appropriation’ and ‘purloining and publication’ of another author’s ‘language, thoughts, ‘ideas, or expressions.’”

Ironically, senator’s definition also appears to come from the Wikipedia entry for “plagiarism.”

Still, Paul has vowed to footnote his public statements and establish a “study group” to discuss Ayn Rand’s oeuvre, promising to “actually read her works cover to cover this time, not just the book jackets.”

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Rand Paul Protests Government Intrusion into Pets’ Food Choices

WASHINGTON—Sensing an opening for a libertarian pushback against healthcare reform, Tea Party darling Rand Paul today issued an impassioned attack against newly proposed rules regulating the production of animal feed.

The senator from Kentucky, a self-described “warrior against government overreach,” used his seat on the Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions committee to denounce the Food and Drug Administration’s latest attempt to “force-feed arbitrary regulations down the throats of our pets, who have a God-given right to the rice, liver, and Purina blend of their choice.”

The long-awaited proposal follows the 2010 passage of the Food Safety and Modernization Act, which opened the door to government regulation of pet food. Like the deadly melamine found in imported dog and cat food that precipitated congressional action, tainted jerky treats from China appear to be responsible for the recent spate of 600 dog deaths and over 3,000 complaints dogging the FDA.

Paul, a doctor of ophthalmology, said he is “working to ensure that real free market principles are applied to the American health care system so that it is responsive to pets’ freedom of choice rather than government bureaucracy.”

The senator has long advocated for animal rights. Shortsighted himself, Paul’s Southern Kentucky Lions Eye Clinic focuses on curing feline vision problems.

Speaking to Glenn Beck on the topic of marriage rights, Paul further indicated that he believed equality was meant for everyone, pets included. “If we have no laws on this, people take it to one extension further,” said Paul. “Does it have to be humans?”

In addition to bestiality, pet food choices should be protected as well, claims Paul. “It’s a decision between man and man’s best friend. The only pet whose food should be dictated by the federal government is Bo [Obama].”

Paul argues that the new FDA rules, which are expected to cost the industry $130 million annually, amount to slavery. “As humans, yeah, we do have an obligation to give pets water, to give pets food,” allowed Paul, but “once you conscript people and say, ‘You can feed your cat Fancy Feast but not Meow Mix,’ then it’s servitude.”

He calls the introduction of new regulations “a dog and pony show,” designed “to show people that something bad happened, which it did, something terrible and tragic happened and I don’t want to demean or in any way lessen that, but the response to it is, ‘Hey, look over here…go fetch this government-sanctioned bone.’ It’s completely dehumanizing.”

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Rand Paul Hopes Felony Vote Can Sway 2016 Presidential Bid

LOUISVILLE — Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) has reignited speculation that he is positioning himself for a run in the 2016 Republican primaries, this time by trying to win the favor of convicted felons.

In a meeting with several Louisville community leaders, the Tea Party favorite called for the restoration of felon voting rights in state and federal laws.  Currently, most states restore felons’ right to vote after leaving prison, while others wait until felons have served parole. Kentucky, however, is one of 12 states with more restrictive laws on the books.

“I’m still not saying that I would vote against it, but here’s another thing that the Civil Rights Act completely skipped over in 1964,” Paul told the Louisville Courier-Journal after the meeting.

“Let me repeat myself,” Paul added, “I’m not saying I was against the Civil Rights Act. I’m just saying that felons, who for some odd reason seem to be mostly African-Americans, should not be restricted from voting.”

Paul noted that under current legislation, 5.85 million convicted felons are unable to vote, but he admitted that he “wouldn’t go so far as to call that discrimination.”

“It’s more like an unfortunate circumstance. But if we can change this circumstance, preferable by 2015, or early 2016 at the latest, I think it could do a lot for the African American peoples, who in turn could do a lot for a certain presidential hopeful,” stated Paul.

“One in three young black males has been convicted of a felony and they’ve lost their voting rights. I think it dwarfs all other (election-related) issues,” Paul said, adding that, “even if half of those felons vote, that’s enough to tip most swing states in the right direction.”

Paul also hinted that he is in favor of restoring felons’ Second Amendment rights. “I am in favor of letting people get their rights back, the right to vote … Second Amendment rights, all your rights to come back.”

“After all,” Paul surmised, “felons probably have a greater need to protect themselves with firearms, so it would be unfair to deny them the right to bear arms.”


Politicians Vow to Start Caring for Troops After Next War

WASHINGTON — At a press conference in the Rose Garden today, President Obama announced that the administration fully intends to take care of American troops after the nation’s incipient war with Iran.

“Now listen, the American people have always looked out for their servicemen and women when they return home from battle,” said Obama, breaking into a chuckle. “I almost got through that with a straight face.”

Obama’s professed commitment to the troops is reminiscent of similar proclamations made by the Bush (41), Clinton, and W. Bush administrations of past. But with poverty, unemployment, and mental illness rates for service-members at an all-time high, follow-through seems to be lacking.

“In theory, we will do whatever it takes to provide top-notch medical and psychological care for those who return from the next war,” assured the President. “As it is now, a serviceman ends his life once every 80 minutes in this country. With your help, we can make that every 85, maybe 90 minutes,” he continued, to thunderous applause.

In a show of bi-partisan support, presidential hopeful Mitt Romney pledged to continue mentioning the troops in his stump speeches, while also intending to cut veterans’ benefits as part of his deficit-reduction plan. “I will pay whatever lip-service to the troops it takes to seem strong yet sympathetic to American voters,” Romney pledged at a rally in Wisconsin. “I will not take lightly the decision to send your children to war before completely ignoring them until the next election cycle.”

Republicans in Congress are also looking out for our men and women in uniform. “We can’t ever repay the invaluable sacrifice these soldiers have made,” said Rand Paul (R-KY), who recently filibustered a measure to create a jobs program for veterans. “So why even try?”

And Paul is not alone in his commitment to defend our troops from government handouts. “The members of our armed forces truly are exceptional people,” justified Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK). “So it shouldn’t surprise us that they are homeless and suicidal at exceptionally high rates. They really don’t do anything halfway, do they? Hoo-rah!”

Economists predict that in the coming months, the sale of yellow ribbons will be only slightly outpaced by the rise in PTSD diagnoses.