Republicans - NewsLo

Honduras Grants Refugee Status to Republicans Pushing for Immigration Reform

While the cost of screening and processing the 5,000 Hondurans expected to apply for entry to the U.S. could run up to $47 million over two years, Honduras’ intake of Republicans is anticipated to be much smaller in scale.

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Republicans Pin 2014 Hopes on Creationism

“The country is ready to embrace creationism,” he added. “The numbers don’t lie.”

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Republican Senators Hesitate to Betray Too Much Concern for Citizens

“It’s premature to do it right now,” said John Cornyn (Texas), the second-ranking Senate Republican. “I don’t think that these workers would feel comfortable getting paid until it’s the right time for us.”

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Republicans and Obama to Stay Together for the Sake of War

“Whatever the issues are between the president and ourselves, there is no need to drag the war into it,” House Speaker John Boehner declared in a press conference on Friday. “The war didn’t ask to be involved in our squabbles, and we need to do what’s best for it.”

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Republicans Quitting Their Jobs to Screw Up ‘Obama’s Economy’

Added Foghorn, “This is nothing. I heard a rumor that next year these people are planning on killing themselves to prove Obamacare is a disaster.”

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Republicans Pass “Passive-Aggressive Violence Against Women” Act

WASHINGTON — House Republicans, gloomy in the wake of the passage of the Violence Against Women Act, quickly regained their mojo and overwhelmingly passed the “Passive-Aggressive Act Against Women Act.”…

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Martin Luther King, Jr. Founded the Modern GOP, Says Modern GOP

WASHINGTON — A newly released biography of Martin Luther King Jr. penned collaboratively by prominent Republican politicians and pundits has revealed some surprising facts about the late civil rights leader’s…

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Romney Energizes Base with Commitment to Third Amendment Rights

ORLANDO, Fla. — In a speech today to the Tea Party’s Constitutional Originalist Society, presidential candidate Mitt Romney affirmed his commitment to defend Third Amendment rights if elected. The $500-a-plate…

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Pennsylvania Passes Law Requiring Voters To Complete Scavenger Hunt Before Voting

HARRISBURG, Penn. — In an ongoing push for stricter voter identification laws, Pennsylvania has issued a list of obscure and generally inaccessible items that Pennsylvania voters must ascertain before entering…

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Romney Alludes to Book Of Mormon, Nearly Gets Broadway Vote

NEW YORK – Gay actors and theatre lovers alike rejoiced this morning when Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that his biggest inspiration in life was “absolutely,…

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Leaked Obama Video: “I didn’t know America took ‘Yes We Can!’ so literally”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretly-recorded video footage of President Obama was leaked on Friday morning, revealing the shocking truth behind the infamous “Yes We Can” and “Hope” mantras of his historic…

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Republicans Claim Conception Begins at First Mojito

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Republican members of Congress have issued a new referendum on abortion and birth control, asserting that the conception of a child begins at first Mojito. “When you’re…

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Wall St. To Democrats: “Stop Treating Me Like Your Sidepiece”

NEW YORK — Leaked late-night text messages from Wall St. to the Democratic National Committee have revealed Wall St.’s growing discontent towards liberals’ treatment of the financial community as an…

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Mitt Romney Does “The Vagina Monologues” in Desperate Attempt to Court Female Vote

CLEVELAND — In an effort to appeal to women voters, many of whom have identified Mitt Romney as “chauvinistic,” “cold,” and “sterility inducing,” the GOP presidential hopeful plans to perform…

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