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Honduras Grants Refugee Status to Republicans Pushing for Immigration Reform

TEGUCIGALPA, Honduras—While the Obama administration weighs the possibility of granting refugee status to hundreds of Honduran youngsters before they ever set foot in the U.S., the government of Honduras is reciprocating with its own proposal to extend emergency protections to the handful of Republicans in the U.S. Congress still advocating for comprehensive immigration reform.

President Juan Orlando Hernández calls the effort “the least we can do to shield this vulnerable minority from bullying and primary challenges by the ultranationalist wing of their party.”

Hernández recently told the Washington Post, “First we need to establish that this is a humanitarian crisis. I think that we can do more, what we’re doing is not sufficient. That’s why we’re here.”

He drew a parallel between the deadly narcotics trafficking and gang violence in his Central American country and what some in the U.S. see as the death knell of the Republican party, should it fail to respond to the shifting demographics of the country and enact comprehensive immigration reform.

“We’re in a demographic death spiral as a party and the only way we can get back in good graces with the Hispanic community in my view is pass comprehensive immigration reform,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham, Republican of South Carolina on “Meet the Press.”

Graham, along with his colleague and fellow advocate for immigration reform in the Senate, John McCain, are reportedly on their way to safety in Honduras with the help of a coyote, three congressional aides, and a day laborer they picked up from Home Depot to tend to Graham’s prized mint plants while in transit.

Graham’s application for refugee status lists numerous hardships and threats he has had to endure in Congress. “I’m a southerner. I can take the heat,” he wrote, “but my political survival in the U.S. Congress is imperiled. I’ve seen what the Tea Party did to Eric Cantor. Please, you must save me from his awful fate.”

The senator reportedly sealed his application with a kiss and a teardrop.

While the cost of screening and processing the 5,000 Hondurans expected to apply for entry to the U.S. could run up to $47 million over two years, Honduras’ intake of Republicans is anticipated to be much smaller in scale.

“I only can think of maybe seven Republican members of Congress who’d be eligible for refugee visas to Honduras,” said Hernández. “But it will be hard enough teaching them the gang signs they’ll need to survive on the streets here.”

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Republicans Pin 2014 Hopes on Creationism

WASHINGTON – GOP Chairman Reince Priebus today announced that the Republican Party had officially adopted creationism as party platform. He urged all Republican candidates running for office in 2014 to push a strong anti-evolution message, believing it will be a winner in the voting booth.

“With the gay marriage issue going south for us, we need something new to grab voters’ attention,” said Priebus. “I am confident that running across the board as young-earth creationists who believe God made the world 6,000 years ago will propel us to victory.”

With Priebus at the announcement was the architect of the new plan, Robert Knight, a senior fellow/executive director at the American Civil Rights Union and columnist for the Washington Times. “Evolution is at the core of a left-wing, secular, humanist worldview that has been breathing down everybody’s necks in America for years [and telling us that] the best we can do is empower government to make our decisions for us,” he said. “That leads to terrible things like socialism and communism and fascism and Nazism and the more extreme forms of liberalism in this country.

“The country is ready to embrace creationism,” he added. “The numbers don’t lie.”

Knight has based this belief on a recent study from Pew Research that found that the percentage of Republicans who believe in evolution has dropped from 54 percent in 2009, to 43 percent today. “The Republicans have a great opportunity to say ‘Look, we’ve witnessed the collapse of a lot of lies that liberals have told over the years, and now we’re questioning evolution more than ever as a basis for people’s worldviews,’” he said. “By officially rejecting evolution, Republicans are positioning themselves at the forefront of this wave.”

While Priebus did not say that belief in evolution would be a disqualification for any candidate wishing to run as a Republican, he urged all elected GOP officials who have not embraced creationism to consider switching their views. “Just take a look deep in your hearts and ask yourself one simple question. Do you want to be primaried by a Tea Partier?”

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Republican Senators Hesitate to Betray Too Much Concern for Citizens

WASHINGTON – Republicans in the Senate have hesitated to support a bill that would provide back pay to furloughed federal workers fearing that such support would display too overt a concern for American citizens.

“It’s premature to do it right now,” said John Cornyn (Texas), the second-ranking Senate Republican. “I don’t think that these workers would feel comfortable getting paid until it’s the right time for us.”

“We weren’t elected to make popular decisions,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “I’m not exactly sure what we were elected to do, but it wasn’t to pass bills just because the public supports them. Buckling under public pressure now would only make us look weak.”

Because the back pay bill passed unanimously in the House of Representatives, many House Republicans say they are surprised that the bill has stalled in the Senate.

“I’m not necessarily proud of all of the bills I have supported,” said a House Republican who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity. “However, when a small group hesitates to approve a bi-partisan measure that would ease the pain they are voluntarily inflicting on the people they supposedly represent…there’s a word for that, and it doesn’t even rhyme with democracy.”

The back pay bill is not the only shutdown-related legislation to receive scrutiny in the Senate after being approved in the House. The Senate has also rejected House bills to fund government programs that provide disaster relief, health research and food aid for low-income pregnant women.

Despite the swift passage of these bills by their party members in the House, Republican leaders in the Senate maintain that this is not the right time to stop punishing Americans for no reason.

“There’s nothing more unattractive than a representative who’s too showy about his concern for the people who elected him,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.). “If there’s one thing voters respect, it’s a coy congressman.”

Sen. Cruz in particular argued that the public should not conclude from recent events that Republican Senators do not care about the American people.

“I love the people of this great nation like I love my children,” said Cruz. “I just want to do what’s best for them. And no, I don’t let my children have health insurance, either.”

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Republicans and Obama to Stay Together for the Sake of War

WASHINGTON — In a departure from their normally reflexive opposition to President Obama’s policies, prominent Republican leaders have announced they are willing to support the Obama administration for the sake of the war in Syria.

“Whatever the issues are between the president and ourselves, there is no need to drag the war into it,” House Speaker John Boehner declared in a press conference on Friday. “The war didn’t ask to be involved in our squabbles, and we need to do what’s best for it.”

“I love [the] war [in Syria] very much,” Boehner added.

Majority Leader Eric Cantor echoed Boehner’s sentiments in a statement. “While I am steadfast in my antipathy towards President Obama, and dream of a world without the Democratic Party, I’m willing to put all of that aside for the sake of our new war,” Cantor said. “This war is very precious, and we don’t want to give it the impression that the American government doesn’t care about it. This war is dear to all of us.”

Boehner and Cantor are asking other Republicans to momentarily abandon their quest to destroy the president for the sake of destroying things overseas. Other members of the G.O.P.’s new coalition include Senators Jeff Flake, John McCain, Richard Burr, Saxby Chambliss, Johnny Isakson, and Mark Kirk; as well as Representatives Luke Messer, Tom Cotton, Ted Deutsch, Pete King, Adam Kinzinger, John Kline, Mike Pompeo, and Mike Rogers.

“We owe it to our new overseas conflict to give the President all the support we can,” said Lindsey Graham, who announced his support of the president’s plan earlier this week. “I support any and all military adventures, even if a demented Kenyan-born socialist dreams them up. A broken clock is right twice a day. Not siding with the administration on Syria is selfish and unpatriotic. We need to think about the damage we could potentially not be doing while we argue.”

“I don’t want the conflict in Syria to think it’s the reason the government is fighting,” said Republican Senator Bob Corker, co-author of a Senate resolution to authorize air strikes against Syria for 60 days. “We do hate each other, that much is true. But the war has nothing to do with that, and for its sake, we need to come together and give the war the deadly and destructive environment it deserves.”

Vice President Biden has publicly thanked Republican leaders who have crossed the aisle to support the war. “I was willing to put aside my differences with George W. Bush when I voted to authorize use of force in Iraq in 2002,” the Vice President said in a press release. “I think it’s good that some Republicans today are willing to forgo political bickering for the sake of ruined infrastructure and civilian casualties.”

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Republicans Quitting Their Jobs to Screw Up ‘Obama’s Economy’

WASHINGTON — Amid signs that the economy continues to improve, with 175,000 new jobs added in May, conservatives, Republicans and run-of-the-mill Obama-haters have taken to quitting their jobs in droves, with the intention of driving the economy back into a recession so that instead of receiving credit for improving the economy, President Barack Obama will get blamed.

Sen. Chuck Schumer, (D-N.Y.), said, “The right’s hatred of Obama is so insane that they’re willingly quitting good-paying jobs just to stick it to the president.”

Schumer added, “Ironically, now they’re going to need all those social welfare programs that they were pressing to have cut.”

Buried in last week’s Bureau of Labor Statistics jobs report was the news that the number of workers quitting their jobs – otherwise known as the “quit rate” – has been rising and is now at “relatively healthy levels.” A high “quitting level” is considered a positive sign because it means that more people are confident that they can find another job in a relatively short amount of time.

But sources inside the Bureau say that this time, that’s not the case.

“It’s just Republicans,” says Lily Foghorn, an analyst at the Bureau of Labor Statistics, shaking her head. “They’ve been predicting that Obama’s policies are going to bankrupt the economy for so long, they’d rather be unemployed and right than working and wrong. So they’re trying to skew the statistics. They figure that if enough of them quit and they drive the unemployment rate back up to 8 percent, they can retain the House and win the Senate in 2014.”

Added Foghorn, “This is nothing. I heard a rumor that next year these people are planning on killing themselves to prove Obamacare is a disaster.”

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Republicans Pass “Passive-Aggressive Violence Against Women” Act

WASHINGTON — House Republicans, gloomy in the wake of the passage of the Violence Against Women Act, quickly regained their mojo and overwhelmingly passed the “Passive-Aggressive Act Against Women Act.”

“This is an historic day for the Republican Party,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor proclaimed. “Today, by reluctantly declaring that rape, murder, disfigurement and senseless beatings against women have no place in today’s GOP, we no longer will be confused with the Taliban. But by passing the Passive-Aggressive Violence Against Women Act, we reaffirm the sentiments of Soul Brother Number One, James Brown, that it’s still ‘A Man’s World.’”

Republicans were forced to abandon their support of more overt violence against women in the wake of highly-publicized and embarrassing remarks by representatives like Todd Aiken who coined the phrase “legitimate rape,” and others who said that “date rape” didn’t really count.

PAVAWA codifies that it’s still okay, and perhaps even encouraged, for men to express hostility towards women by: withholding child support; placing onerous restrictions on obtaining an abortion; paying 70% of what men make for the same job; denying promotions; making it harder for women to get credit; sleeping with her friend; insulting her intelligence and looks; calling women who sleep with you ‘whores;’ staying out all night without explanation; and a host of other oafish, offensive behaviors.

Cantor continued, “I’m proud to say that in regards to women’s rights, this squarely places the GOP all the way up to ‘1965’ sensibility, marking the first time that our party has been within a half-century of contemporary thinking on women’s issues since we reluctantly recognized women as people.”

Women’s groups were sharply divided on the Republican action, between those who called the lawmakers “clueless and irrelevant,” and those who dubbed them “reptilian, evil and vile.”

When informed of the overwhelmingly negative response, Cantor responded with what he called the “official” Republican response to complaints from womens’ groups. Sticking his index fingers in his ears, he chimed “La-la-la-la. I can’t he-ear you.”

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Martin Luther King, Jr. Founded the Modern GOP, Says Modern GOP

WASHINGTON — A newly released biography of Martin Luther King Jr. penned collaboratively by prominent Republican politicians and pundits has revealed some surprising facts about the late civil rights leader’s political views.

The biography, titled MLK: Father of the Modern GOP, is a compilation of writings from Republican figures like Newt Gingrich, Ann Coulter, and Sean Hannity, which analyze King’s speeches and sermons to find “what this icon really believed, not merely what he wrote and said he believed.”

In one chapter, a series of previously unseen journal entries allegedly written by Martin Luther King, Jr., appear to validate the claim that King would strongly oppose any and all efforts at gun control, an opinion voiced frequently by conservatives in Congress and on television.

“I would rather be fatally shot than to see even one gun owner’s right to bear arms infringed upon,” reads one passage supposedly written by the proponent of nonviolent resolution to conflict. “Furthermore, I firmly believe that slavery would not have occurred at all had Africans who were imported for the express purpose of slavery been given guns and the basic right to bear them, and also maybe some other basic rights, of which they of course had none.”

The book also denounces other practices which conservatives typically disapprove, such as affirmative action or the illegality of public school-mandated prayer.

“Reverend King – who was a reverend, by the way, with a degree in theology – felt that all schools should have mandated prayer in every single class, with students of all denominations of Christianity free to pray as they see fit,” writes Coulter on behalf of Martin Luther King, Jr. “Jews can do their thing, too. They’ll come around. Not Muslims, though.”

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Romney Energizes Base with Commitment to Third Amendment Rights

ORLANDO, Fla. — In a speech today to the Tea Party’s Constitutional Originalist Society, presidential candidate Mitt Romney affirmed his commitment to defend Third Amendment rights if elected. The $500-a-plate crowd gave Romney a standing ovation as he firmly declared his opposition to the forced quartering of soldiers during peacetime.

“President Obama has done more than any president in history to roll back Third Amendment rights,” alleged Romney. “If elected, I will make sure that no American has to take care of current and former soldiers against their will.” Romney also used the occasion to clarify his opposition to the Stamp Act and Tories of all kinds.

Liberals have long decried the third amendment as archaic, a holdover from the Revolutionary War era with little relevance in today’s America. Conservatives have called these allegations “judicial activism” and argue that the framers envisioned robust Third Amendment rights for all Americans.

Romney’s speech was interrupted three times by audience applause. Perhaps the most positive reaction came when Romney addressed care for our veterans. “When I see a homeless veteran,” said Romney, “I don’t see a callous failure to honor those who have sacrificed so much for us. I see freedom – an America that loves its Third Amendment so much that it isn’t afraid to completely ignore its servicemen and women.”

Sources within the campaign say Romney plans to make Third Amendment rights a cornerstone of his platform in the last month of the election season. The Romney campaign website plans to sell bumper stickers with the slogan, “Support our troops (but not because you have to).”

Still, Romney’s speech drew fire from critics within the GOP who worry that the party nominee’s position is not strong enough. “Governor Romney’s position is a good start,” said David Schneider of the conservative Liberty Foundation, “but a true Reagan Republican would make it illegal to house or feed any member of the military, even voluntarily. And that includes their families.”