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Mitt Romney Thanking Elohim He Isn’t President Right Now

“There could have been days when I would’ve been too busy to put on my temple garment and settled for regular briefs,” Romney said with a shudder. “The White House just isn’t worth that.”

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Romney, Palin to Talk at CPAC, Dig Republican Grave Deeper

WASHINGTON — After announcing plans to speak at this year’s CPAC convention, Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney thrilled and delighted the rabidly conservative audience by stating that they would team…

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Tea Party Groups Prepare for Inauguration of President Romney

WASHINGTON — Representatives from Tea Party Patriots, Tea Party Express, and The Nationwide Tea Party Coalition have gathered in the heart of the Texas Panhandle to prepare for the festivities…

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Hannity: Good Old Fashioned Racism Just Doesn’t Win Elections Anymore

NEW YORK — After losing several key electoral races, including the presidency, conservatives are starting to wonder if a racist, sexist, homophobic message was somehow the wrong approach to take…

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Mitt Romney Discovers Buried Golden Tablets Instructing Him to Bomb Iran

WOLFEBORO, N.H. — Sources within the Romney campaign claim that the Republican nominee discovered a pair of golden tablets with instructions for how he should lead the United States. The…

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Obama, Romney Juicing the Stats on Unemployment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports…

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Obama Campaign Attacks Paul Ryan’s Two First Names, Targets Dyslexic Vote

CHICAGO — A new advertisement released by the Obama campaign has chosen a unique way of criticizing Mitt Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan. The ad, entitled “Bad Education,” asserts that…

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Mitt Romney Does “The Vagina Monologues” in Desperate Attempt to Court Female Vote

CLEVELAND — In an effort to appeal to women voters, many of whom have identified Mitt Romney as “chauvinistic,” “cold,” and “sterility inducing,” the GOP presidential hopeful plans to perform…

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