Romney, Palin to Talk at CPAC, Dig Republican Grave Deeper

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WASHINGTON — After announcing plans to speak at this year’s CPAC convention, Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney thrilled and delighted the rabidly conservative audience by stating that they would team up to “jointly dig the Republican Party’s grave even deeper.” The former losing Republican Vice-Presidential nominee and losing Republican Presidential candidate issued a joint statement saying, “We look forward to this opportunity…

Tea Party Groups Prepare for Inauguration of President Romney

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WASHINGTON — Representatives from Tea Party Patriots, Tea Party Express, and The Nationwide Tea Party Coalition have gathered in the heart of the Texas Panhandle to prepare for the festivities surrounding the inauguration of Republican Mitt Romney as President of the United States on Monday, January 21, despite numerous reports that Romney was not, in fact, elected. “It’s like a dream come…

Hannity: Good Old Fashioned Racism Just Doesn’t Win Elections Anymore

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NEW YORK — After losing several key electoral races, including the presidency, conservatives are starting to wonder if a racist, sexist, homophobic message was somehow the wrong approach to take in winning a popular vote. This revelation has caused prominent Republicans to apparently flip on key issues, particularly those affecting Latino voters, who voted overwhelmingly in favor of the President. Perhaps most…

Obama, Romney Juicing the Stats on Unemployment

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…

Obama Campaign Attacks Paul Ryan’s Two First Names, Targets Dyslexic Vote

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CHICAGO — A new advertisement released by the Obama campaign has chosen a unique way of criticizing Mitt Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan. The ad, entitled “Bad Education,” asserts that one of the primary reasons for Ryan’s selection was the vice presidential candidate’s “two first names.” “Governor Romney wants to confuse you,” the ad’s voice-over narration states. “He wants to insult and…

Mitt Romney Does “The Vagina Monologues” in Desperate Attempt to Court Female Vote

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CLEVELAND — In an effort to appeal to women voters, many of whom have identified Mitt Romney as “chauvinistic,” “cold,” and “sterility inducing,” the GOP presidential hopeful plans to perform pieces from “The Vagina Monologues” at upcoming campaign stops. With this highly unanticipated move, Romney expressed hopes for voters to “get a chance to see me from a different angle. A lady…