satire and humor

Ex-Marlboro Man’s Urn Slapped with Surgeon General’s Warning Label

SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Eric Lawson, famous for portraying the Marlboro Man in cigarette ads during the late 1970s and early ‘80s, succumbed to respiratory failure due to chronic…

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Vatican Paints over Sistine Chapel Ceiling, Calling It ‘Too Lavish’

Asked about the loss of priceless works of art that were recently restored at the cost of millions of dollars, a Vatican spokesperson pointed reporters to the gift shop where there are “many postcards and reprints for sale.”

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Taliban: Malala Yousafzai ‘Too Bright and Inspiring’ to be only 16-Yrs-Old

"If she’s done all this before her 17th birthday, by 20 she’ll be president of Pakistan, and a chick president would be a PR-nightmare for us.”

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Old Pope Blasts New Pope as Homosexual Sinner

“That the power of evil penetrated so far into the interior world of the faith is a suffering that we must bear, but at the same time we must do everything to prevent it from repeating,” wrote Benedict.

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Google Finally Admits to Being Evil

We’re saying that the people who own the paper you write your letter on are legally allowed to intercept your letter, open it and read it, make note of anything interesting contained within, and sell that information for a profit.”

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Beck ‘historian’ David Barton: Global warming has been over for 16 years

“For example, in the math area, they tell you what math things to teach, but they only give you a single example,” he explained. “And the math you have to calculate deals with global warming.”

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Nugent: ‘People who hate Ted Nugent hate freedom.’

“People who hate Ted Nugent hate freedom,” the rocker alleged. “Trayvon got justice.”

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Politics

Tenuous Accord in the Upper House Limits Bedtime Filibusters

At press time, McNasty confirmed that the harried parents were reading to Mitch from Adam Mansbach’s best-selling children’s book, “Go the F*#k to sleep.”

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North Carolina Institutes Randian Utopia

"Just get a job? Brilliant!" exclaimed Lee Creighton Ph.D., of Cary, who has been unemployed since October, and is obviously buoyed by the recent turn of events. "Why didn't I think of that before?"

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Zimmerman lawyer opens Trayvon murder trial with ‘knock-knock’ joke

“Knock, knock. Who’s there? George Zimmerman. George Zimmerman who?” West said. “Alright, good, you’re on the jury.”

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Gun-loving heckler Tasered after harassing shooting survivor

A gun enthusiast was tackled, Tasered and arrested by police at a Concord, New Hampshire gun control rally on Tuesday night after he repeatedly harassed a speaker who was calling…

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NoNeedToSatirize

#NoNeedToSatirize: Pat Robertson: Marine training was easy for me, ‘but I’m not a lady’

“I didn’t think it was all that demanding, but I’m not a lady. The SEAL team training is ungodly difficult. Why would a woman want to go through that?”

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World

New Dutch King Pledges to Develop a Tulip with a Scent

AMSTERDAM — After a week on the throne, King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands says it is possible that his people can achieve what they have failed at for so many…

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Politics

GOP Furious State Department Cut Embassy Security After GOP Cut Embassy Security Funding

WASHINGTON — After a day of emotional hearings on the Benghazi Embassy attacks of 2012, Republican legislators yesterday decried the Obama State Department for following through with the budget cuts…

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‘Child’ Gun Maker Opens ‘My First Funeral’

MILTON, Pa. — Keystone Sporting Arms, the manufacturer of the Crickett, the .22 caliber “children’s gun” marketed as “My First Rifle” which was used by Kristian Sparks, 5, in the recent…

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Sandra Day O’Connor Admits Court Decided Bush v. Gore on a Dare

CHICAGO — Speaking to the Chicago Tribune editorial board, former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor openly questioned the wisdom of the Supreme Court’s decision to take up the George W.…

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Media

Pat Robertson’s ‘The Nazi Club’ Gets Green Light From FOX

NEW YORK – Fox News has reportedly green lit a new primetime program featuring Christian televangelist Pat Robertson tentatively titled “The Nazi Club.” Robertson is famous for his long running…

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NRA Launches ‘Outlaw the Oceans’ Campaign, Equates Guns with Water

FAIRFAX, Va. — Citing the dubious fact that “a person can drown in a teaspoon of water,” Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre today announced the launch of…

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Lululemon Recalls Line of Yoga Pants Due to ‘Unacceptable Level of Paul Scheer-ness”

VANCOUVER, Canada — Lululemon Athletica Inc., the creator of popular yoga-inspired gear, is recalling a line of its workout pants due to an issue with the appearance of the fabric.…

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Media

Fox News Announces Plan to Never Broadcast its Views in Spanish

NEW YORK — With Fox News’ ratings slipping and Hispanics making up an ever-increasing percentage of the American population, Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes has announced that his network…

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Media

Anti-Gun Groups Propose Legislation to Outlaw Piers Morgan

NEW YORK — Gun control advocates across the country have reportedly dropped their anti-gun agendas in favor of hating Piers Morgan. Many are reporting that agreeing with such an obnoxious…

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Sports

Lakers’ Gasol Tears Plantar Fascia, World Peace Exposes D’Antoni as Mastermind

LOS ANGELES—Pau Gasol has torn the plantar fascia of his right foot—an unfortunate accident that sources have revealed wasn’t really an accident at all, but rather an inconspicuous assault designed…

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Entertainment

Kris Jenner to open “American Kardashian Place”

LOS ANGELES — Kris Jenner, matriarch of the famed “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” clan, has announced their newest venture, “American Kardashian Place,” a store for girls and gays of…

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Violent Video Game Makers Accused of Watching Too Much Reality

SAN FRANCISCO — It is a disturbing and unmistakable fact that the video game world has become more graphic and violent than ever before. While many view this trend as…

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