SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Eric Lawson, famous for portraying the Marlboro Man in cigarette ads during the late 1970s and early ‘80s, succumbed to respiratory failure due to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, his wife, Susan Lawson, reported. As Lawson’s will stipulated, there was no funeral, and he was cremated. Lawson’s connection to the tobacco industry did not stop with his death,…
Asked about the loss of priceless works of art that were recently restored at the cost of millions of dollars, a Vatican spokesperson pointed reporters to the gift shop where there are “many postcards and reprints for sale.”
“If she’s done all this before her 17th birthday, by 20 she’ll be president of Pakistan, and a chick president would be a PR-nightmare for us.”
“That the power of evil penetrated so far into the interior world of the faith is a suffering that we must bear, but at the same time we must do everything to prevent it from repeating,” wrote Benedict.
We’re saying that the people who own the paper you write your letter on are legally allowed to intercept your letter, open it and read it, make note of anything interesting contained within, and sell that information for a profit.”
“For example, in the math area, they tell you what math things to teach, but they only give you a single example,” he explained. “And the math you have to calculate deals with global warming.”
“People who hate Ted Nugent hate freedom,” the rocker alleged. “Trayvon got justice.”
At press time, McNasty confirmed that the harried parents were reading to Mitch from Adam Mansbach’s best-selling children’s book, “Go the F*#k to sleep.”