Ex-Marlboro Man’s Urn Slapped with Surgeon General’s Warning Label

SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Eric Lawson, famous for portraying the Marlboro Man in cigarette ads during the late 1970s and early ‘80s, succumbed to respiratory failure due to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, his wife, Susan Lawson, reported. As Lawson’s will stipulated, there was no funeral, and he was cremated. Lawson’s connection to the tobacco industry did not stop with his death,…

New Dutch King Pledges to Develop a Tulip with a Scent

New Dutch King

AMSTERDAM — After a week on the throne, King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands says it is possible that his people can achieve what they have failed at for so many generations and bring pride to this wealthy, popular trading hub. The new regent says he will breed a tulip that possesses its own particular smell. Last week, with the abdication of Queen…

GOP Furious State Department Cut Embassy Security After GOP Cut Embassy Security Funding

WASHINGTON — After a day of emotional hearings on the Benghazi Embassy attacks of 2012, Republican legislators yesterday decried the Obama State Department for following through with the budget cuts to embassy security mandated by the Republican-controlled House of Representatives. “This is negligence of the highest order,” said House Oversight and Government Reform member Jason Chaffetz, R-Utah, who voted with his fellow…

‘Child’ Gun Maker Opens ‘My First Funeral’

MILTON, Pa. — Keystone Sporting Arms, the manufacturer of the Crickett, the .22 caliber “children’s gun” marketed as “My First Rifle” which was used by Kristian Sparks, 5, in the recent accidental shooting of his 2-year old sister Caroline in Burkesville, Kentucky, has opened its first “children’s funeral parlor,” called “My First Funeral.” “Keystone clearly sees the opening of a children’s funeral parlor…

Sandra Day O’Connor Admits Court Decided Bush v. Gore on a Dare

CHICAGO — Speaking to the Chicago Tribune editorial board, former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor openly questioned the wisdom of the Supreme Court’s decision to take up the George W. Bush v. Al Gore case which settled the 2000 Presidential Election. “Maybe the court should have said ‘we’re not going to take it, goodbye,’ ” she said before adding, “Because really, I…

Pat Robertson’s ‘The Nazi Club’ Gets Green Light From FOX

NEW YORK – Fox News has reportedly green lit a new primetime program featuring  Christian televangelist Pat Robertson tentatively titled “The Nazi Club.” Robertson is famous for his long running religious program on CBN, “The 700 Club,” where he tells viewers that a vengeful god introduces calamity into the world largely due to the presence of homosexuality within it. Fox News senior…

Lululemon Recalls Line of Yoga Pants Due to ‘Unacceptable Level of Paul Scheer-ness”

Lululemon

VANCOUVER, Canada — Lululemon Athletica Inc., the creator of popular yoga-inspired gear, is recalling a line of its workout pants due to an issue with the appearance of the fabric. The new line, accounting for 17 percent of the company’s pants inventory, has raised complaints among consumers who say the pants look “too much like comedian Paul Scheer.” “We regret any inconvenience…

Anti-Gun Groups Propose Legislation to Outlaw Piers Morgan

NEW YORK —  Gun control advocates across the country have reportedly dropped their anti-gun agendas in favor of hating Piers Morgan. Many are reporting that agreeing with such an obnoxious blowhard is more morally draining than knowing people could get semi-automatic weapons without background checks. “I mean yeah, I think guns are terrible,” said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, a ferocious anti-gun…

Lakers’ Gasol Tears Plantar Fascia, World Peace Exposes D’Antoni as Mastermind

sports network tv

LOS ANGELES—Pau Gasol has torn the plantar fascia of his right foot—an unfortunate accident that sources have revealed wasn’t really an accident at all, but rather an inconspicuous assault designed by head coach and Gasol nemesis, Mike D’Antoni. Newslo conducted an exclusive interview with Lakers’ forward, Metta World Peace yesterday afternoon over biscuits and bourbon regarding the onset and exponential worsening of…

Kris Jenner to open “American Kardashian Place”

LOS ANGELES — Kris Jenner, matriarch of the famed “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” clan, has announced their newest venture, “American Kardashian Place,” a store for girls and gays of all ages to explore their inner Kim, Khloe or Kourtney through dolls, doll accessories and fashion. The Kardashians have built an empire with their reality show and its spinoffs, their own clothing…

Violent Video Game Makers Accused of Watching Too Much Reality

cia-video-game-drone

SAN FRANCISCO — It is a disturbing and unmistakable fact that the video game world has become more graphic and violent than ever before. While many view this trend as a natural growth in any entertainment industry, new research suggests that violence in video games is, in fact, directly attributable to game developers paying too much attention to the world around them.…