SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Eric Lawson, famous for portraying the Marlboro Man in cigarette ads during the late 1970s and early ‘80s, succumbed to respiratory failure due to chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, his wife, Susan Lawson, reported. As Lawson’s will stipulated, there was no funeral, and he was cremated. Lawson’s connection to the tobacco industry did not stop with his death,…
Asked about the loss of priceless works of art that were recently restored at the cost of millions of dollars, a Vatican spokesperson pointed reporters to the gift shop where there are “many postcards and reprints for sale.”
“If she’s done all this before her 17th birthday, by 20 she’ll be president of Pakistan, and a chick president would be a PR-nightmare for us.”
“That the power of evil penetrated so far into the interior world of the faith is a suffering that we must bear, but at the same time we must do everything to prevent it from repeating,” wrote Benedict.
We’re saying that the people who own the paper you write your letter on are legally allowed to intercept your letter, open it and read it, make note of anything interesting contained within, and sell that information for a profit.”
“For example, in the math area, they tell you what math things to teach, but they only give you a single example,” he explained. “And the math you have to calculate deals with global warming.”
“People who hate Ted Nugent hate freedom,” the rocker alleged. “Trayvon got justice.”
At press time, McNasty confirmed that the harried parents were reading to Mitch from Adam Mansbach’s best-selling children’s book, “Go the F*#k to sleep.”
“Just get a job? Brilliant!” exclaimed Lee Creighton Ph.D., of Cary, who has been unemployed since October, and is obviously buoyed by the recent turn of events. “Why didn’t I think of that before?”
“Knock, knock. Who’s there? George Zimmerman. George Zimmerman who?” West said. “Alright, good, you’re on the jury.”
A gun enthusiast was tackled, Tasered and arrested by police at a Concord, New Hampshire gun control rally on Tuesday night after he repeatedly harassed a speaker who was calling for all gun buyers to undergo background checks. The man that Daniel Musso, 52, was interrupting is John Cantin, a survivor…
“I didn’t think it was all that demanding, but I’m not a lady. The SEAL team training is ungodly difficult. Why would a woman want to go through that?”
AMSTERDAM — After a week on the throne, King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands says it is possible that his people can achieve what they have failed at for so many generations and bring pride to this wealthy, popular trading hub. The new regent says he will breed a tulip that possesses its own particular smell. Last week, with the abdication of Queen…
WASHINGTON — After a day of emotional hearings on the Benghazi Embassy attacks of 2012, Republican legislators yesterday decried the Obama State Department for following through with the budget cuts to embassy security mandated by the Republican-controlled House of Representatives. “This is negligence of the highest order,” said House Oversight and Government Reform member Jason Chaffetz, R-Utah, who voted with his fellow…
MILTON, Pa. — Keystone Sporting Arms, the manufacturer of the Crickett, the .22 caliber “children’s gun” marketed as “My First Rifle” which was used by Kristian Sparks, 5, in the recent accidental shooting of his 2-year old sister Caroline in Burkesville, Kentucky, has opened its first “children’s funeral parlor,” called “My First Funeral.” “Keystone clearly sees the opening of a children’s funeral parlor…
CHICAGO — Speaking to the Chicago Tribune editorial board, former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor openly questioned the wisdom of the Supreme Court’s decision to take up the George W. Bush v. Al Gore case which settled the 2000 Presidential Election. “Maybe the court should have said ‘we’re not going to take it, goodbye,’ ” she said before adding, “Because really, I…
NEW YORK – Fox News has reportedly green lit a new primetime program featuring Christian televangelist Pat Robertson tentatively titled “The Nazi Club.” Robertson is famous for his long running religious program on CBN, “The 700 Club,” where he tells viewers that a vengeful god introduces calamity into the world largely due to the presence of homosexuality within it. Fox News senior…
FAIRFAX, Va. — Citing the dubious fact that “a person can drown in a teaspoon of water,” Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre today announced the launch of his organization’s “Outlaw the Oceans” campaign, which contends that any restrictions on the ability to purchase any firearm is equivalent to banning the consumption or use of water. The ironical campaign follows…
VANCOUVER, Canada — Lululemon Athletica Inc., the creator of popular yoga-inspired gear, is recalling a line of its workout pants due to an issue with the appearance of the fabric. The new line, accounting for 17 percent of the company’s pants inventory, has raised complaints among consumers who say the pants look “too much like comedian Paul Scheer.” “We regret any inconvenience…
NEW YORK — With Fox News’ ratings slipping and Hispanics making up an ever-increasing percentage of the American population, Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes has announced that his network will take the bold step of never broadcasting its anti-Hispanic views in Spanish. “It’s not that we like these people,” said Ailes, “but they do watch television. So, if I need to…
NEW YORK — Gun control advocates across the country have reportedly dropped their anti-gun agendas in favor of hating Piers Morgan. Many are reporting that agreeing with such an obnoxious blowhard is more morally draining than knowing people could get semi-automatic weapons without background checks. “I mean yeah, I think guns are terrible,” said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, a ferocious anti-gun…
LOS ANGELES—Pau Gasol has torn the plantar fascia of his right foot—an unfortunate accident that sources have revealed wasn’t really an accident at all, but rather an inconspicuous assault designed by head coach and Gasol nemesis, Mike D’Antoni. Newslo conducted an exclusive interview with Lakers’ forward, Metta World Peace yesterday afternoon over biscuits and bourbon regarding the onset and exponential worsening of…
LOS ANGELES — Kris Jenner, matriarch of the famed “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” clan, has announced their newest venture, “American Kardashian Place,” a store for girls and gays of all ages to explore their inner Kim, Khloe or Kourtney through dolls, doll accessories and fashion. The Kardashians have built an empire with their reality show and its spinoffs, their own clothing…
SAN FRANCISCO — It is a disturbing and unmistakable fact that the video game world has become more graphic and violent than ever before. While many view this trend as a natural growth in any entertainment industry, new research suggests that violence in video games is, in fact, directly attributable to game developers paying too much attention to the world around them.…
