Proponents of Second Amendment Denounce First Amendment

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WASHINGTON – Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, proponents of Second Amendment Rights claim to have found the true cause of the recent rash of mass shootings in America: the First Amendment. At a speech earlier this week, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre continued his crusade against the American media, arguing that “First Amendment abuses” were making young men across the country lash out.…

Wayne LaPierre Calls for Giving Guns the Right to Vote

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WASHINGTON – Sensing that his recent comments about putting an armed guard in every school had backfired, and that gun control advocates were gaining ground, NRA vice-president Wayne LaPierre issued a new proclamation Sunday. “Some irresponsible members of society are calling for an end to guns. But we live in a democracy where guns outnumber people. In a democracy you don’t disenfranchise…

Jews Reignite War on Christmas with Terrible Golem

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BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Members of the Jewish community came together this morning to announce a renewal of the annual War on Christmas, this time summoning a terrible Golem – the fabled creature of Talmudic lore – to help them achieve their destruction of the Christian lifestyle. Historically, the Golem has been created as a protector of the Jewish people. However, Rabbi Benjamin…

Soup Kitchens Prepare to Accommodate Increased Demand for College Recommendation Letters

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CHICAGO — With the weather turning colder, many soup kitchens and homeless shelters say they are radically underprepared for the record number of college-bound high schoolers who will soon fill their halls looking for letters of recommendation. “Around the holidays demand goes through the roof,” explained Jenny Faust, director of the Helping Hands shelter in Logan Square. “They come to us with…

Entire Mall Cringes at Opening Notes of “Santa Baby”

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CINCINNATI — It’s that time of the year again when the corridors of America’s malls and public spaces fill with Christmas music. But not all holiday carols are welcome. The shoppers at Cincinnati’s Northgate Mall reportedly uttered a collective cringe Sunday as the opening notes of “Santa Baby” came over the loudspeaker. “Ugh, it’s so gross,” shuddered Piercing Pagoda employee Kyla Mathers.…