WASHINGTON – Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, proponents of Second Amendment Rights claim to have found the true cause of the recent rash of mass shootings in America: the First Amendment. At a speech earlier this week, NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre continued his crusade against the American media, arguing that “First Amendment abuses” were making young men across the country lash out.…
WASHINGTON – Sensing that his recent comments about putting an armed guard in every school had backfired, and that gun control advocates were gaining ground, NRA vice-president Wayne LaPierre issued a new proclamation Sunday. “Some irresponsible members of society are calling for an end to guns. But we live in a democracy where guns outnumber people. In a democracy you don’t disenfranchise…
WASHINGTON – Shortly after Time announced that Barack Obama was the 2012 Person of the Year, word came out from insiders at the magazine that the decision was far from unanimous. Obama’s competition for the title was a figure that he barely beat out, and one who he completely ignored for the first term of his presidency. This figure is “The Lone…
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Supreme Court today announced that due to all the controversy expected to erupt over the two gay marriage cases they’ve agreed to consider next year, they would restrict the remainder of their 2013 docket to simple, no-brainer cases that can be decided without putting any real thought into them. “The truth is, we’re going to be very busy…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Members of the Jewish community came together this morning to announce a renewal of the annual War on Christmas, this time summoning a terrible Golem – the fabled creature of Talmudic lore – to help them achieve their destruction of the Christian lifestyle. Historically, the Golem has been created as a protector of the Jewish people. However, Rabbi Benjamin…
CHICAGO — With the weather turning colder, many soup kitchens and homeless shelters say they are radically underprepared for the record number of college-bound high schoolers who will soon fill their halls looking for letters of recommendation. “Around the holidays demand goes through the roof,” explained Jenny Faust, director of the Helping Hands shelter in Logan Square. “They come to us with…
CINCINNATI — It’s that time of the year again when the corridors of America’s malls and public spaces fill with Christmas music. But not all holiday carols are welcome. The shoppers at Cincinnati’s Northgate Mall reportedly uttered a collective cringe Sunday as the opening notes of “Santa Baby” came over the loudspeaker. “Ugh, it’s so gross,” shuddered Piercing Pagoda employee Kyla Mathers.…
LOS ANGELES — Los Angeles Lakers’ General Manager Mitch Kupchak announced today that the franchise is in talks with the Memphis Grizzlies to void their 2008 trade for Pau Gasol. According to sources close to the organization, the Lakers have agreed to let all terms of the trade stand as long as Memphis takes Gasol off their hands and gives back his…
WASHINGTON — The Senate Judiciary Committee passed new legislation yesterday that allows doctors to break into patients’ homes and perform colonoscopies on any member of the household without permission. The legislation says that doctors can perform colonoscopies on as many family members as they deem necessary, and lubrication is not required. The measure was quietly bundled with revisions to the 1986 Electronic…
