Ted Cruz News: “Helping Texans Is Not Like Helping New Orleans, Hurricane Sandy Was Righteous”
“Maybe New Orleans should ask the French or Canadian government for help, in their native language. I’m sure they take care of their own”
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satire news
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Rick Scarborough: “Abortion Is Not A Sin If The Baby Is Going To Be Gay”
“Otherwise, we’re looking at a land of buttfu**ers in the coming years”
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Rick Santorum To Pope: “Stop Denying Scientific Facts Like God’s Creation And Climate Change”
“I love and respect the guy, but science is science and it should not be taken lightly, especially not by men of God”
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Caitlyn Jenner: “As A Proud Republican Woman I’m Already Used To Getting Insults From Fox News”
Fox rep: “We’ll be starting off a petition in the next few days to confiscate all of Bruce’s sports medals”
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Clean Air Prices Sky Rocket On NYMEX Due To Rumors of “Eco-Friendly Cars Running On Air”
“What you are witnessing now are the simple effects of demand and supply”
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White House To Offer 72 Western Virgins To Iraqis To Motivate Them To Fight ISIS
“The biggest problem now is finding thousands of Western virgins, since there almost aren’t any these days”
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Michael Moore: “Texas Floods Are God’s Punishment For No-Gay Marriages”
“You know what they say, ‘some motherfu****s are always trying to ice skate uphill’”
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Donald Trump: “Iraqis and Obama Have Something In Common, Both Afraid To Fight ISIS”
“I cannot believe that a handful of Muslim rebels wearing bandanas and sandals are managing to beat back the single most powerful military power on the planet”
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Mark Levin: “Our Rights Come From God, So How Can They Include Gay Rights, As Well?”
“The moment you decide to come out as LGBT, you lose God’s protection”
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Jeb Bush: “Obama Allowed Creation Of ISIS To Counteract Israel In The Middle East”
“He’s essentially allowed the snakes back into the snake pit”
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Robert Tilton: “The Great Flood Also Started With Climate Change, Was Punishment For Gays”
“Only ten years or so ago, the easiest way to drive up conservative turnout in most states was to place an initiative on the ballot seeking to either legalize or…
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Lee Bright: “Even Rapists Are God’s Work; Still Not Enough To Allow Abortion”
“We were all put on God’s green Earth to do our part”
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Ted Cruz Demands Firing Scientists Who Claim People Are Born Gay
“Honest-to-God, normal, traditional Christians are on the verge of being extinct”
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Franklin Graham Suggests Replacing ObamaCare With “Federal Praying Service”
“It would probably be called something like the ‘Federal Praying Service,’ or FPS, for short. It would also most certainly do more good than what ObamaCare is managing to do right now,”
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Rep. Mike Simpson: “Amtrak Needs Money Desperately, Accident Was Their Way Of Ensuring It”
“Those idiots [Democrats] walked right into their trap”
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Rafael Cruz Supports Police Body Cameras “To Prevent Masturbating During Working Hours”
“America blames white police officers for shooting black men without even wondering why such things happen”
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Jeb Bush: “My Father And Brother Did The Right Thing In Iraq; I Intend To Continue The Family Tradition”
“Iraq was just the beginning, and I can’t even take credit for that”
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Jeb Bush: “We’re Trying To Let Immigrants Stay In The U.S. If They Marry Republicans”
“Needless to say, it’s worked on me, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been”
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Bill Koenig Suggests Relocating Gays Across The Nation To “Control Weather”
“There must be some right in every wrong”
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Pat Robertson: “My TV Station Is Protecting The USA”
“You don’t choose an illness; it works the other way around”
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Palin Supports Black Pastor, Calls For Re-Introducing Slavery On Voluntary Basis
“It would reduce pressure on the already tense relationship between white people and the black community”
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Newly-Elected Anchorage Mayor’s Promise: “Incest Marriage Won’t Lead To Same-Sex Marriage”
“Father and son should be allowed to marry, if they’re both consenting adults”
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Pamela Geller: “The Only Good Thing About Islam Is That It’s 100% Anti-Gay”
“The anti-Muslim activist whose Mohammad cartoon contest in Texas was attacked by two gunmen on Sunday said the shooting shows the importance of her message. Pamela Geller, American Freedom Defense…
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Microsoft Unveils New App That Guesses When You’ll Die
Silicon Valley, CA — With the recent success of Microsoft’s age guessing app, the company has wasted no time at all in rolling out their new death estimator. Working similarly…
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