Ted Cruz: “Left-Wing Sites Do Satire On Me Because They’re Threatened By My Intelligence”
“It’s not like I plan on shutting them down when I’m President”
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Satire
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De Blasio Announces White House Bid; Clinton, Republicans Struggle to Respond
Donald Trump told Fox & Friends this morning that if elected, de Blasio will turn the country into “one big marijuana village with no police force.”
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McCain Calls Cruz “Whacko Bird”: “Somebody Needs To Put Him Back In His Cage”
“It would be better for him and this country that he doesn’t win presidency”
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Scott Carver Walker Suggests Jesus’ Face Into Mt. Rushmore “As One Of The Founding Fathers”
“It would do wonders for South Dakota’s tourism revenues”
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Hillary Slams Trump: “Phallic-Shaped Buildings Mean He’s Over-Compensating…For Something”
“And the best part? He confesses it publicly with each new skyscraper”
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Auto Repair Shop Bans Gays: “I’m Armed, But Still Afraid Of Turning My Back To Them”
“It is my right as a white American to not be molested by the presence of gay people”
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Fiorina: “Clinton won’t be able to ‘play the gender card’ Against Me, Everybody Likes Girl-On-Girl Action”
“I would totally obliterate her in a debate”
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Hillary Clinton: “Americans Incapable Of Making Independent Decisions”
“We must accept donations from foreign governments”
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Two State Prisons Planning Draft, Offer Pro Contract To Aaron Hernandez
“The National Penitentiary Football League welcomes its latest addition”
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Rand Paul: “Middle-Aged Woman To Lead The U.S.? With All Those Hormones? Ridiculous”
“You’d probably see nukes flying all over the place, and nobody wants that”
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GOP Senators Nominate Hillary Clinton As Next U.S. Ambassador In Libya
“Many inside the GOP blame Clinton directly for what happened to the former US ambassador in Benghazi”
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Cruz: “If Fort Hood Shooting Was Workplace Violence, 9/11 Was Parachuting Accident”
“I feel ashamed seeing how low we have sunk as a nation”
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Iran Leaders Calling To Americans Not To Trust Their Leaders: “They Are Lying To You”
“They may have the money and the technology, but they’re living like slaves. That’s a sad thing to see”
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Chinese Government Makes Donation To GOP After Hillary’s Tweet
“A message has been sent; a message not to provoke battles that cannot be won”
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Mayim Bialik Spends Holiday With Ex: “The Meaning Of Jewish Passover Really Is To Suffer For Your Kids”
“Part of being a good parent is putting your children’s needs and wishes before your own”
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Ted Nugent Goes On Diet After Mistaken For Michael Moore On Street
“Being mistaken for an idiot who doesn’t love his country is beyond offensive. It’s just sad”
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Ted Cruz Goes On ObamaCare, Also Joins In On Immigration
“It will be one of the first things I tackle upon taking office. That I promise you”
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Romney: “Before Iran Recognizes ‘Israel’s Right To Exist,’ We Need Obama To Do So”
“To do otherwise is to disrespect the United States”
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Netanyahu: “We Wanted Obama As Churchill, He Wanted Chamberlain; We Got Chernobyl”
“Role playing was never really my thing, and obviously, I’m not very good at it”
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A Member Of Island Parliament Joins “Free The Nipple” Initiative, Sends Invitation To Sarah Palin
“Speaking as a woman…she was the obvious choice”
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Aaron Schock Compares Himself To Lincoln: “He Used Private Horses And Carriages All The Time”
“So much for equal political treatment. I’m glad I’m leaving”
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Hillary Clinton: “I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman, Mrs. Abedin”
“Have you been talking to my husband?”
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Ind. Businesses To Reject Gay Customers: “As Good Christians, We Don’t Want To Get Infected”
“Getting protection against the epidemic of homosexuality is everybody’s right, as well as their personal choice”
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Ted Cruz Denies His Father Suggested Placing Atheists In Camps: “He Meant ‘Camping’”
“It’s the same with me and gay marriage – I’m not even going to comment on that”
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