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World

Al Jazeera America Vows to Deliver No-Nonsense Coverage of Kardashians and Cute Kittens

DOHA, Qatar — A month after Al Jazeera announced they had acquired Current TV and would be launching Al Jazeera America, new details have emerged regarding the Qatari-based network’s plans for original programming. In an interview on Monday, Al Jazeera Director General Ahmed bin Jassim Al Thani revealed that the new 24-hour news station would combine Al Jazeera’s award-winning reporting with the “lowbrow infotainment that permeates the pathetic American media landscape.”

“We are extremely excited to bring the Al-Jazeera brand to an American audience,” said Al Thani. “And while we know we must cater to America’s thirst for childish distractions and trivial celebrity escapism in order to stay competitive, we plan on doing so in the most hard-hitting, no-nonsense way possible.”

According to Al Thani, the station will offer such long-form investigative documentary pieces on cute, cuddly kittens getting stuck in compromising situations, and up-to-the-minute reporting on which Kardashian is sleeping with whom, and in what positions.

“When Lindsay Lohan has a nip slip, other stations will report on it, but no one else will ask the hard questions like Al Jazeera America,” said Al Thani. “Exactly what combinations of illicit substances were in her body at the time? Which part of her outfit malfunctioned leading to areola or nipple exposure? This is the kind of tough reporting we’ll bring to the American media landscape.”

Many have speculated that even with quality coverage of the topics Americans care about most – including who got kicked off “Dancing With the Stars” and Michelle Obama’s hair – American audiences might be hesitant to watch an Arabic network. However, Al Thani isn’t concerned about the Al Jazeera brand succeeding in an American market.

“We predict that even the ‘people who think we’re a terrorist network and watch out of hatred’ demographic will give us higher ratings than Current TV.”

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US

Small Business Owners Lose Spotlight as Tiny Business Owners Gain Notoriety

WICHITA, Kan. — Alan Jenkins, the owner of a small grocery store near Wichita, Kansas, is only seven inches tall and manages to oversee all aspects of his business, working nearly 100 hours per week. Carla O’Dwyer, a dentist with her own practice in Parsippany, New Jersey, weighs only four ounces yet still sees fifteen patients a day, many of them last minute appointments. There are thousands of tiny business owners like these two across the nation, and while they have certainly had their share of difficulties in recent years, many find that things are looking up thanks in part to a recent surge in public support and media attention.

During the 2012 election and throughout the fiscal cliff debates, Americans heard ‘small business owners’ mentioned constantly, almost as often as they heard about the ‘middle class.’ As people looked more closely at the real details of the country’s small business owners, they came to see that the category included a wide variety of individuals, not the least of which were tiny business owners.

Tony Albaretti, a man no taller than a quarter who owns and operates his own butcher shop in Dearborn, Michigan called Petite Meats, reports an encouraging rise in business this past month alone. “A lot of people are thinking, ‘hey, let’s go to that miniscule butcher down the road rather than that 6’4” guy we used to buy from.’ People appreciate good service, and it makes a difference, you know?” Tony told reporters.

While prospects seem to be growing for tiny business owners overall, there are still plenty of obstacles to overcome. The seven inch tall Michael Lambert, for instance, has been trying to expand his local shoe store in Providence, Rhode Island for almost eight years. The problem? He can’t find any banks willing to lend in any form besides a microloan.