Mets Excited to Torment Fans for Another Season

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PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. — Every year the crack of the bat and the pop of a fastball into the mitt signal the start of baseball’s spring training, and with it a renewed sense of optimism in fans of the sport nationwide. New York Mets fans, however, are steeling themselves for another season of heartbreak and anguish. Something the organization’s top brass…

America to Lower Standards and Embrace Cheaters

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NEW YORK — After years of demanding more from athletes in American sports, the public has spoken. Let them cheat. In a poll conducted by ESPN, an astounding 92% of Americans say they no longer care if athletes cheat. In fact, most Americans don’t want to know if a player is cheating. “I really don’t care if Lance Armstrong cheated,” explained die-hard…

Brent Musburger Named ‘Creepy Old Guy Judge’ on Next Season’s America’s Next Top Model

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New York — The CW and the Tyra Banks Company announced today that they have signed ESPN sportscaster Brent Musburger to a one-year deal to become the newest judge on America’s Next Top Model. Musburger will debut this summer as the show’s creepy old guy correspondent and fourth judge. Musburger’s popularity hit an all time high after he commented on the attractiveness…

Jeff Hornacek Shocks NBA, Declares Bankruptcy

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SALT LAKE CITY — Former NBA fan favorite Jeff Hornacek, best known for his long tenure with the Utah Jazz, surprised everyone this week by declaring bankruptcy. The announcement continues a disturbing trend in professional sports, where a disproportionate number of retired athletes have squandered the millions of dollars earned during their careers in astonishingly short time-spans. While most poverty-stricken former athletes…