Military Sponsors War to Keep Troops Alive

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WASHINGTON — After years of speculation about the U.S.’s continued involvement in Iraq, Afghanistan, and now possibly Syria, military officials have finally admitted the real reason for America’s love of war. “It has nothing to do with WMDs, or oil, or the spread of Democracy,” explained Lieutenant Felicity Korr. “We now do it to keep our troops alive – they drop like…

Politicians Vow to Start Caring for Troops After Next War

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WASHINGTON — At a press conference in the Rose Garden today, President Obama announced that the administration fully intends to take care of American troops after the nation’s incipient war with Iran. “Now listen, the American people have always looked out for their servicemen and women when they return home from battle,” said Obama, breaking into a chuckle. “I almost got through…