Syria Vows to Treat Israelis Slightly Better Than Syrians

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JERUSALEM — Responding to three reported Israeli airstrikes this year, Syria has warned its neighbor against any further attacks. Backing up its rhetoric, Syria has targeted Tishreen medium-range ballistic missiles on Tel Aviv — the very same missiles that were used to level neighborhoods in Aleppo, Syria. Said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, “If the Israelis persist in their aggression, we will be…

Hoping for a Little Attention, Syrian Citizens Threaten to Nuke the U.S.

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ALEPPO, Syria – A group of desperate citizens in the beleaguered city of Aleppo, Syria are threatening to attack the United States with nuclear weapons in hopes that their ridiculous, hyperbolic provocations might get them a little attention. “We’re gonna get you, America,” a statement released by the group reads in part. “Your cities will become smoldering piles of ash and whatnot.”…

Syria Seeks to Compete in Middle Eastern Violence, Launches Public Relations Campaign

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DAMASCUS — Taking advantage of the public relations opportunity created by the Hamas-Israel ceasefire, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad has launched a campaign to garner international attention towards his murderous campaign against Syrian civilians. President al-Assad has allocated diplomatic resources to the regime’s public relations department, headed by trusted inner-circle member Fahad al-Diri. According to al-Diri, the Syrian government has killed nearly 40,000…

America Excited For Return to Golden Age of Overthrowing Middle-Eastern Democracies

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WASHINGTON–The Arab Spring germinated the seeds of democracy in nations like Egypt, Libya, and Syria. Decades of totalitarian repression have proven too much for freedom-loving peoples in the Middle East and Northern Africa to tolerate, and with the help of social media, they have thrown off the bonds of despotism. Many of these peoples’ uprisings have gained support from American politicians who…