Hoping for a Little Attention, Syrian Citizens Threaten to Nuke the U.S.

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ALEPPO, Syria – A group of desperate citizens in the beleaguered city of Aleppo, Syria are threatening to attack the United States with nuclear weapons in hopes that their ridiculous, hyperbolic provocations might get them a little attention. “We’re gonna get you, America,” a statement released by the group reads in part. “Your cities will become smoldering piles of ash and whatnot.”…

Aleppo’s Indiana Sister City Feels Relationship Has Suffered

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DUPREE, Ind. — Residents of this small Indiana town report feeling disappointed and more than a little hurt by the growing pattern of neglect they say they’ve experienced in the past two years from their Middle East sister city, Aleppo, Syria. The abandonment reached a peak on Tuesday, when, for the second time in a row, a large contingent of Dupree citizens…

Syrian Civil War Causes Flight Delays at Damascus’ Airport

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DAMASCUS — The heavy bombardment of targets near Damascus International Airport by Syrian warplanes this week has led to major travel delays for Westerners seeking to return home from their annual Middle East getaways. “They warned us to cancel our vacation here,” said Lars Skalnes, a German fashion designer whose Lufthansa flight had been delayed several hours due to a suicide bombing…

Syrian General Defects, Cites Break Room Food

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BEIRUT, Lebanon — After supervising military action against rebel citizens during the 22-month civil war in Syria, Maj. Gen. Abdul Aziz Jassem al-Shallal has defected, citing the low quality and limited diversity of food offered in the armed services break room. General Shallal, whose duties included the punishment of defectors, made a daring escape into Turkey earlier this week by motorcycle. In…