Organic, Curated Tonic Water the New Must-Have in 2013 Jobless Economy

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BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Despite the nation’s unemployment rate holding at a solid 7.8%, artisanal, organic tonic water is shaping up to be the hottest food and drink trend of 2013. Eschewing the label of “luxury item,” small-scale producers of the beverage are calling the product “a drinking necessity,” and sales are starting to indicate that the market is in agreement. Violet Cortlandt,…

Obama, Romney Juicing the Stats on Unemployment

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The fragile state of the American economy continues to be a focal point in this year’s electoral landscape. With a series of less than stellar job-growth reports in recent months, the Obama administration is doing all it can to pad the stats on unemployment. Rumors are spreading throughout the District that Obama has mobilized CIA resources to temporarily kidnap…