Complaining about Washington Dysfunction Now America’s Most Secure Job

PITTSBURG, Penn. — An analysis of job security for citizens of America has found that “bitching and complaining” about Washington dysfunction is now the most stable profession in the country. The study, published in The Journal of Economic Perspectives, shows that while many jobs have become more insecure since 2008’s economic crisis—vulnerable to layoff via downsizing or obsolescence—professions centered on whining about…

Bloomberg Asks for Creation of “Nanny-In-Chief” Cabinet Position, Nominates Self

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has petitioned President Obama to create a new cabinet position that he calls “Nanny-in-Chief.” The new office would be responsible for helping Americans make good decisions, namely by punishing and fining them if they make the wrong ones. Bloomberg told reporters that he wishes to fill the seat himself. “I’m rich, I’m a…

Newt Gingrich Auctions Off Contents of His Mouth

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to stay relevant while other conservatives dominate the spotlight, former Speaker of the House and 2012 presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has announced an unusual new business plan: he is putting his own highly expressive mouth up for sale. The often-controversial politician stated that he had “only one or two beliefs that I actually cling to.” I…