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NRA Leaders Resent New Smart Gun’s Condescension and ‘Book Learnin’

UNTERFÖHRING, Germany – A German gun designer’s effort to create a “smart gun” in hopes of saving lives is being met with anger and resentment by gun rights advocates in the United States. Firearm enthusiasts, who until now largely supported the gun’s legendary designer, Ernst Mauch, are calling the iP1 smart gun “uppity,” and say they “resent being told how and when to ‘pop off’ by some smarty-pants, know-it-all weapon.”

“If something gets labelled ‘smart,’ you’re right to be suspicious,” said National Rifle Association executive vice president Wayne LaPierre. “It’s always the smart people who are trying to steal your freedom by telling you how to eat or when it’s ‘appropriate’ and ‘lawful’ to open fire with an AR-15.

“If ‘smart’ means even the slightest restriction or inconvenience, we at the NRA will side with dumb every time,” LaPierre added.

By designing the iP1, Mauch hoped to make it more difficult for a gun to be used by someone other than its rightful owner. The weapon will only fire if the person holding it is also wearing a specially-designed watch that is linked wirelessly to the firearm.

Mauch, who is responsible for many of the world’s most popular guns, enjoyed the adoration of firearm enthusiasts for most of his career, but many are now labelling him a “traitor” for designing the iP1.

The anger is such that crowds in California and Maryland recently protested outside of gun stores selling the weapon. In Maryland, many of the protesters said that “guns are like pets, and no one wants a pet smarter than its owner.”

The NRA said that it has officially added Mauch and every store that carries the iP1 to its “enemies list.”

“They’ll stay on the list until they realize that smart don’t mix with guns,” LaPierre said.

“What’s with the obsession with intelligence anyway?” LaPierre wondered. “There are much better things in life than book learnin’, anyway. The NRA stands behind those who prefer to think with their gut, or any part of their body other than their head, if they so choose.”

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NRA’s Wayne LaPierre Dead at 64 after Swallowing Lead Bullets

FAIRFAX, Va. – NRA Executive Vice President and outspoken gun-rights advocate Wayne LaPierre died today at age 64, shortly after an unrelated incident in which he ingested two dozen lead bullets in an attempt to “disprove the myth of lead poisoning.” NRA spokesmen say that it was “simply Wayne’s time to go,” and that he is “now up in Heaven, shooting at Obama-shaped targets with Jesus.”

Witnesses say that Mr. LaPierre collapsed shortly after giving a press conference Tuesday morning during which he blasted attempts to halt the manufacture and sale of lead bullets. Mr. LaPierre repeated the NRA’s stance on such efforts—which are aimed at saving the estimated 20 million birds that die each year after ingesting lead bullet fragments—calling them a coordinated assault on “traditional” hunting rights that won’t stop until hunting is banned altogether.

“Lead isn’t even bad for you,” Mr. LaPierre said. “Lead poisoning is an elaborate myth propagated by activist scientists who want to ruin everything in life that’s fun, like shooting guns and licking paint— which happened to be my two favorite childhood pastimes.”

Mr. LaPierre explained that the NRA has launched a new effort called the Hunt for Truth, which they say will “expose the researchers associated with ‘faulty science’ critical of lead ammunition.” The campaign has begun compiling an enemies list comprised of “anti-lead ammunition” organizations and researchers, including the San Diego Zoo and the Center for Biological Diversity.

“These people wail on and on about the dangers of lead,” Mr. LaPierre said. “But it’s all bullshit. And to prove it, I’m now going to swallow two boxes of .38 caliber lead bullets.” Witnesses say that Mr. LaPierre struggled with the first few bullets—taking frequent sips from his glass of water to wash them down—but that by the second box he “seemed to be enjoying it.”

“There,” Mr. LaPierre said after swallowing the twenty-fourth bullet. “I just ingested a shit ton of lead, and I’m perfectly fine. Maybe now this anti-lead conspiracy will move on to something else.”

An NRA spokesman called the press conference a “wild success that effectively exposed the lies” about lead poisoning. The NRA maintains that Mr. LaPierre’s sudden death, just minutes after his demonstration, was “in no way related” to his lead-based lunch. “We stand by our position that lead bullets are 100% nontoxic,” the spokesman said. “Wayne was simply ready to transition to the next world. Godspeed, Wayne.”

Mr. LaPierre is survived by two brothers, a dog, and “Karen,” the AR-15 assault rifle to which LaPierre was legally married in the state of Kentucky.

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NRA Announces School Safety Measures, Proposes Carrying Permits for Elementary School Students

WASHINGTON — A new piece of possible legislation drafted by former Representative Asa Hutchison and co-authored by Wayne LaPierre seeks to prevent future school shootings by arming the nation’s children. The “NRA National School Shield Initiative,” would, among other safety measures, place armed guards in all schools and offer principals an online test that would suggest security measures for their particular schools.

Among the other recommendations is an exam that would include a set of mental and physical tests to determine which elementary school students should be allowed to carry guns in school.  The exam would be challenging enough to weed out the lesser children, yet tailored to each age group so as not to promote low self-esteem among some of the younger students seeking handgun licenses.

“The students themselves are really the first line of defense,” NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said at a press conference.

He went on to say that the exam for students in grades one through five would be “extremely rigorous” and that only those who passed the test with a 97% and above would be given the right to bear arms in school.

“We’re not going to have handguns in every knapsack in every hallway—just those students who prove themselves,” added Hutchinson.

For example, the test for first graders wishing to carry a gun throughout the school day would include a rigorous timed block-building exercise, while third graders would be forced to prove their eligibility by performing long division.

Although Hutchinson has stated that he personally agrees with the President and those advocating for the expansion of mandatory background checks to private gun sellers, which are currently under no legal obligation to conduct background checks on customers, he said that this was not the focus of the school safety task force.

Yet a pre-screening process will ensure that students with backgrounds indicating possible mental instability will not be considered. “No students of divorced families will be allowed to take the test.  We just can’t take that risk,” LaPierre said.  “Unless they prove that they have adapted exceptionally well.  For those children we believe might still deserve the right to carry a gun despite that they come from broken homes, we will put them in a room of bean bag chairs and make them watch The Lion King.  If they cry when Mufasa dies, they will be allowed to move on in the online examination process.”

When asked to comment on the NRA’s proposal, President Obama looked at the ground thoughtfully, shook his head, made to say something, and then proceeded shaking his head while looking at the ground.

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NRA Demands Second Amendment Protections for Nuclear Weapons

WASHINGTON — Frustrated by what they perceive as continued attacks on their constitutional rights, the NRA and gun enthusiasts used Gun Appreciation Day rallies to call for legislation that would guarantee Second Amendment protections for the possession of all weapons, be they traditional firearms or nuclear warheads.

“Obama thinks that a nuclear arsenal is just fine and dandy when it comes to defending his precious blue states against North Korea and Iran, but somehow the bomb is not good enough for me to protect my family and my fleet of tow trucks? The president is an elitist hypocrite,” said NRA member Darrell Gordon at an event in Wichita, KS.

At a rally in Virginia, NRA Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told attendees, “Thomas Jefferson said the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots, and also occasionally with nuclear fallout.”

“The US Armed Forces are the strongest military power the world has ever known,” he continued. “Trying to uphold our constitutionally protected liberties against such an overwhelming force with a simple Bushmaster would be as futile as using the puny muskets of our forefathers. This is why the Constitution guarantees American citizens the right to keep and bear a nuclear stockpile of their very own; for self-defense, as well as for recreational and hunting purposes.”

Gun control advocates say American civilians have no justifiable need for nuclear weapons. However, some members of Congress say they might consider the proposal if it comes with background checks to help keep the weapons of mass destruction out of the hands of those with a criminal record.

A democratic representative from a largely pro-gun district would speak about the issue only under the condition of anonymity: “I think this is a terrible idea, but I barely won my last election, and I just don’t have the political capital to fight the NRA. If they can agree to the background checks, that should keep liberal constituents off my back, at least until the next tragedy. Frankly, I just want to eke out a couple more years at this shitty job, and then retire and live off my fat ass pension.”

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NRA VP Sitting In Dark Living Room With Loaded AK-47, Waiting to Shoot Intruder

FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sources have confirmed that the National Rifle Association’s vice president, Wayne LaPierre, has been sitting up all night in his unlocked Virginia house waiting for an intruder to break in so he can blast him to pieces with his machine gun.

“I have a right to protect my home and property,” said LaPierre in a statement. “Plus I’d love some action. Seriously, somebody please invade my home. ”

The gun-advocate will continue to slowly puff a cigarette in the darkness while aiming his AK-47 assault rifle at the front door, insisting that the Founding Fathers intended for him to “cap the living shit” out of anyone who tries to make off with his flat screen television.

“I’m waiting,” added LaPierre, who can be seen through the window rocking in a chair with extra magazines of ammunition draped around his neck. Authorities also believe the NRA VP has a six-inch bowie knife duct-taped to his calf.

A vast, intricate system of tripwires and land-mines also surround LaPierre’s sprawling Fairfax residence, including a neon-sign at the end of the driveway that reads “ON VACATION: COME ON IN.” The home boasts five bedrooms, four baths, and a three-car garage that as of press time is still completely open.

“He really loves his guns,” said neighbor Ellen Fishbein, who was fired at multiple times last week for trying to drop off some of LaPierre’s mis-delivered mail. “He just sits there and strokes them.”

LaPierre, who was last seen sporting military fatigues and eating sardines from a can with a Swiss-army knife, is celebrated among legions of paranoid white men for his effective lobbying techniques as well as an impressive stockpile of rocket-propelled grenades. Critics, however, have railed against the LaPierre’s permissive attitude on gun control, and believe that the NRA honcho encourages a right-wing fantasy that has little basis in the day-to-day reality of life.

“He lives in a gated community,” said Moms Against Guns spokeswoman Becky Sullworth. “I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen.”

LaPierre recently made headlines for pushing a bill through Congress that allows registered gun-owners to shoot door-to-door salesmen on sight.