Weekly Fast Forward – The News Before It Happens

Society Call of Duty Online to Uncover Rampant Sexual Contact Between Twelve-Year Olds, Nation’s Mothers Just a week after the release of Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, players will be stunned by the apparent widespread and on-going sexual contact between their teenage opponents and the nation’s mothers. “I had no idea how many kids had fucked my mom until I started…

Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

Politics Romney Will Ask Stage Manager for Line During Next Debate BOCA RATON, Florida — In yet another bout of Romnesia, presidential candidate Mitt Romney will bring Monday night’s debate to a standstill by pausing in the middle of an answer to ask an off-stage campaign manager “Line?” Though usually reserved for actors in musicals and stage plays who forget a line…

Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

Politics Old-Timer to Regale Children with Tales of Life Before 2012 Presidential Race LANSING, Mich. — Old Man Watkins, a retired machine-parts fabricator from East Lansing, will amaze his grandchildren with the revelation that he remembers what life was like before the seemingly endless 2012 Presidential race. “It was so long ago, but I’ll do my best,” the septuagenarian will strain to…

Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

Politics: Biden to Hit Embarrassing Gaffe Grand-Slam COLUMBUS, Ohio — The Obama Campaign will be in damage control mode Tuesday after Vice President Joe Biden makes four humiliating gaffes in one public appearance—history’s first ever “Biden Slam.” After endorsing President “Barack Osama,” Biden will reportedly bow to a half- Korean journalist and give a lengthy description of a recent experience with ecstasy.…