Categories
Politics

Survey: William Henry Harrison Greatest President Ever

BLOOMINGTON, Ind.  – The survey, conducted by the American Historical Review to mark Presidents Day, found that experts on presidential history almost unanimously agree that our greatest commander-in-chief was not Lincoln or Washington, but rather William Henry Harrison (1773-1841), who, because he served only one month in office, “didn’t have time to fuck things up royally, like all those other assholes did.”

“Presidents occasionally do good things for the country,” explained Robert A. Schneider, editor of the AHR. “Lincoln ended slavery; Eisenhower built the highway system. But these accomplishments are rare, and don’t even begin to make up for the typhoons of shit that are most presidential initiatives.” In general, the historians surveyed agreed that many presidents have started off strong, but quickly demonstrated themselves to be “totally incompetent douchebags.”

Enter William Henry Harrison, the ninth man to serve. “Harrison died of pneumonia—which he may have caught during his rainy and cold inauguration—only a month into his term,” Schneider said. “The poor man hadn’t even settled into the White House yet when he croaked, and for this reason, he’s the greatest president ever. He didn’t start any dumb-shit wars, or tank the economy, or bang any interns. He just took office and died—a truly great man.”

“It’s unfortunate that few presidents have modeled their terms after Harrison’s,” Doris Kearns Goodwin, the most prominent of the historians surveyed, commented. “His record is completely clean—pristine, really—because he didn’t do a single thing in office except lie in bed, too sick to work. Just think how much better the country would be today if the other forty-three presidents had had the wisdom to do so little.”

At least some Americans have been swayed by Mrs. Kearns Goodwin’s logic. Recently, a petition to have the presidential faces currently depicted on Mount Rushmore replaced with one giant bust of William Henry Harrison has attracted more than fifty thousand signatures. “We need to honor this man,” reads the petition’s text. “At least he did no harm.”

Categories
Media

Post “Lincoln” Success, “William Henry Harrison” to Hit Theaters

LOS ANGELES — After Stephen Spielberg’s “Lincoln” received critical acclaim, little- known director Robert Wilcox announced today the release of his inspiring presidential biopic, “William Henry Harrison.”

The epic tale follows our ninth president who died just 32 days after taking office. Kidd Martin, known for his role as “Axed Zombie” in “The Walking Dead” Season 1/ Episode 1, gives a breakout performance as William Henry Harrison.

Just like “Lincoln,” the film follows Harrison during the most critical part of his presidency. The film begins on March 4th, 1841, the day of Harrison’s inauguration.  Historically accurate, the audience is taken through Harrison’s one-hour and forty-five minute speech for which he did not wear an overcoat or hat.  I tip my hat to the special effects artist for making me feel like I was right there, listening outside in that very snowstorm. After Harrison’s dry oration fades, the audience is whisked away with our ninth president as he rides, without mittens or any wool accessory, through the streets of Washington for his inaugural parade. There were many words for Daniel Day Lewis as Lincoln, and in this two-hour scene, one could only describe Martin’s Harrison as “freezing.”

The filmmakers chose to set aside the riveting presidential campaign between Harrison and his opponent, Martin Van Buren. Their campaign was known as the “log cabin and hard cider campaign” but we do not find out why. We also never find out that William Henry Harrison led a thousand soldiers to battle against the Native Americans at Tippecanoe River. No, this film rightfully and masterfully honors the defining moment of William Henry Harrison’s life and I assure you, it’s a must see.

[Spoiler Alert] Harrison gets pneumonia and dies. But how Wilcox chooses to portray the death, this critic will leave for you to watch. I can only describe Martin’s role in this scene as “dead.”

“William Henry Harrison” hits theaters on January 4th with the 3D sequel “John Tyler” opening just 32 days later.