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Citing WMD Concerns, McCain Urges Obama to Re-Invade Iraq

WASHINGTON – Calling the recent turmoil in Iraq “one of the most serious threats to American security in recent history,” Sen. John McCain urged President Barack Obamato re-invade the war-ravaged nation before “weapons of mass destruction find their way into the ISIS terrorist group’s hands.”

McCain was referring to the Sunni extremist group, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, an al-Qaida splinter organization that has been wreaking deadly havoc in the cities of Tikrit and Mosul along their planned march into Baghdad.

“I have it on good authority that these extremists have ready access to a dangerous stockpile of chemical and biological agents,” the Arizona senator said, refusing to divulge the name of his “foolproof” source. “It’s a human being with eyes, ears, and a nose. This person also has brown hair and works in the government. For security purposes, that’s all I can share.”

McCain went on to explain that ISIS has been in repeated contact with the Iraqi government, which has been developing weapons since Obama withdrew troops from the nation in 2011.

“Thanks to President Obama, Iraq’s government has become volatile and corrupt, and now it’s in bed with terrorists,” McCain continued. “We must reestablish order there, and it starts with overthrowing Saddam Hussein’s regime.”

After an aide whispered into his ear, the senator added, “And by Saddam Hussein, I obviously meant Nouri al-Maliki.”

When asked to provide specifics of which WMDs the Iraqi government might provide to ISIS, McCain gave an elusive response. “Mustard gas and basically whatever else Iraq had in 2003.”

One certainty in the Arizona senator’s mind is that Obama, no matter what decision he makes regarding Iraq, should fire his national-security staff and replace it with the likes of General David Petraeus, who commanded the U.S. forces in Iraq until 2008.

“Or, if the president really wants to send a message to the Middle East, he could hire someone like Donald Rumsfeld. We could use more guys like him on the team.”

Lesson Learned, U.S. Sends WMDs to Iraq before Reinvading

BAGHDAD—The United States has begun implementing a plan to reinvade Iraq amidst a widespread eruption of violence there. This time, the administration has vowed to get it right.

National Security Advisor Rice—that is Susan E. Rice, not Condoleeza Rice who held the title from 2001 to 2005—assured a war-weary public that this time would be different.

“Believe me, we’re all relieved that we don’t have to concoct a link between the threat in Iraq and Al-Qaida again,” Rice told viewers on NBC’s “Meet the Press.”

The insurgency now threatening to destabilize Iraq is led by an identifiable Al-Qaida affiliate, the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant.

Jen Psaki, the State Department spokeswoman, justified U.S. military support for the country, referring to the regional affiliate as a “common enemy of the United States and the Republic of Iraq, and a threat to the greater Middle East region.”

The spate of assassinations and suicide bombings leading up to Christmas-Day attacks in Christian areas of Baghdad has prompted the U.S. to send 75 Hellfire missiles and 10 ScanEagle surveillance drones to the beleaguered nation.

Asking to remain anonymous, a retired four-star general with extensive experience in the area told Newslo that the weapons are “sure to awe the insurgents into submission while guaranteeing that we avoid the shock of failing to find any weapons of mass destruction post invasion.”

“The WMDs will be there,” he said. “The administration will be sure to get delivery confirmation on all shipments to Iraq.”

President Obama reenters the fray reluctantly. Just days before Christmas 2011, he welcomed a “responsible end” to the nine-year operation in Iraq after being unable to come to a status of forces agreement with Iraq.

Other major players in the previous involvement are far more pleased by the recent turn of events.

Donald Rumsfeld, the former secretary of defense, appeared on ABC’s “This Week with George Stephanopoulos” to proclaim, “It seems you can go to war with the army you want or wished to have at a later time.”

Continued Rumsfeld, “These circumstances were a complete unknown at the time we were waging the original offensive in Iraq. But some Christmas wishes really do come true.”