KABUL, Afghanistan — The United States today heralded its plans to conduct peace talks with the Taliban prior to withdrawing all troops out of Afghanistan, saying that by getting the Taliban to cut ties with Al-Qaeda, the U.S. has further reduced the chances that our nation’s skyscrapers will be attacked and brought down by a mob of religious zealots hurling stones.
“This is a total win-win,” said Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel. “The United States gets to leave Afghanistan with a piece of paper saying ‘Peace Agreement’ that we can wave around to show the world that we didn’t spend 11 years there for nothing. And the Taliban get to concentrate on what they do best, terrorizing women and infidels.”
A senior Taliban official sounded a similar note, reading a statement that said, “These past few years, getting involved with all that ‘war on terror’ mishegoss was a mistake. We look forward to getting back to our roots: stoning unmarried couples, throwing acid in the face of schoolgirls trying to get an education and beheading anyone displaying an image of the Prophet Mohammed. It’s like I always say: ‘Do a few things, and do them well.’”
The official admitted that it may take a little while for the Taliban to get up to full terrorist speed. “We can’t be everywhere at once. Who do you think we are – the N.S.A.?”
The Taliban ruled Afghanistan from 1996-2001, imposing its brand of fundamentalist Sharia law on the country. During this time, women were required to wear head-to-toe burkas, not leave the house without being accompanied by a male relative, banned from working most jobs, forbidden to speak loudly in public lest a male stranger hear her voice, forced into marriages when they were as young as 10 years of age, and discouraged from participating in 3-ways in a public square.
The Taliban were deposed when the U.S. went into Afghanistan after 9/11, but slowly built up strength and influence again when the States suddenly took a sharp left turn into Iraq.
Critics of the peace talk proposal said that negotiating with the Taliban gives them instant legitimacy, and abandons women and less than devout Muslim men to unspeakable horrors once the U.S. leaves.
An unidentified woman was seen wandering around the press conference, wailing “What will become of us? What will become of us? What will become of us?”
But a Taliban official sounded optimistic. “We hope we can reach an agreement quickly so the U.S. can leave and absolve itself of any guilt or complicity before we enter ‘Atrocity-committing’ season.”