Taliban: Malala Yousafzai ‘Too Bright and Inspiring’ to be only 16-Yrs-Old

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan – A spokesperson for the Pakistani branch of the Taliban today said that his organization believes that Malala Yousafzai, a pupil and outspoken education activist who survived an assassination attempt last year, is lying about her age. Yousafazi claims that she was born in 1997—making her 16 years old—but the Taliban contends that she is “way too bright and all-around inspiring to be that young,” and says that they believe “it’s all a ruse to get attention.”

Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid, speaking from an undisclosed location in western Pakistan, argued that “no one who has lived only 16 years could possibly be as remarkable and strong” as Yousafzai, who recently spoke before the UN Youth Assembly. “It’s just not long enough to build up that kind of awe-inspiring character.”

“Look at the evidence,” Mujahid said. “At 11, she’s writing a blasphemous blog diary about living under Taliban rule. At 12, she’s starring in a New York Times documentary about her life and working for women’s education rights.  By 16, she’s listed as one of the 100 most influential people in the world and is nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Now, does that sound like the biography of someone who’s barely-pubescent?”

Mujahid admitted that the Taliban was responsible for shooting Yousafzi in the head and neck last October, but argued that her incredible comeback is “only further evidence that she’s older than she says.”

“What 15-year-old takes a bullet to the head, gets better, then keeps on speaking out as if it never happened?” Mujahid said. “She even said she forgives the Taliban member who shot her, and wouldn’t shoot him back if given the chance. It just doesn’t make any sense.”

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon—who called Yousafzei “our hero” after she called for worldwide access to education before the Youth Assembly—said that, having met Malala, he understands the Taliban’s confusion. “Yeah, I know where they’re coming from,” Ban said. “It’s hard to believe she’s not even old enough to remember Seinfeld, but I can vouch that that’s the case.”

Despite the Taliban’s claims, all available evidence suggests that Malala really is only 16-years-old, and perhaps the most amazing teenager on the planet. Muhajid, however, promised that the Taliban “will never accept [Yousafzai’s] word” about her age, saying that, “if she’s done all this before her 17th birthday, by 20 she’ll be president of Pakistan, and a chick president would be a PR-nightmare for us.”