Taliban, PETA Unite in Mission to Free Military Dog

KABUL, Afghanistan — According to reports, the Taliban in Afghanistan has partnered with PETA and captured a British special forces dog in Laghman province.

American and British militaries use the dogs to sniff out enemy combatants as well as explosives.

Taliban spokesman Zabiullah Mujahid said, “Right now we are keeping the dog and trying to look after him.” He continued, “We and our friends at PETA liberated this poor creature from a life of hardship and degradation. They are sweet, noble animals—and the infidels would treat them like women!”

PETA provided logistical support for the daring mission. Activist and Brown University sophomore Ethan White marveled, “These Taliban guys are true believers in animal rights, man. They don’t care about the safety of themselves, us, even innocent bystanders! They just keep pressing for ideological purity. And when is unquestioning belief ever a bad thing?”

The animal, a chocolate-colored Belgian malinois named “Colonel,” appeared in a recent Taliban internet video looking healthy and still wearing his black military vest. Many of his liberators have lovingly started referring to the dog’s covering as his “bark-a.” The animal’s specially fitted jacket, from which the Taliban unshackled him, also contained a GPS device and a video camera that PETA has repurposed for an undercover Tyson Foods exposé.

The media was later informed by the “cultural arm” of the Taliban that the animal is subsisting on a diet of chicken and beef kebabs after refusing to eat the group’s meatless Boca Burgers.