Tea Party Republicans Form New Super PAC, ‘Unready for Christie’

TRENTON, N.J. — A groundswell of support has accumulated behind a desperate new effort to tempt New Jersey Gov. Chris Christieaway from running for president of the United States under the Republican banner.

A group calling itself Republicans against Chris Christie has filed paperwork with the Federal Election Commission to form a super PAC, dubbed Unready for Christie. Its stated aim is to “raise unlimited monies to be used however Gov. Christie sees fit, so long as he promises never to seek the presidency.”

The grassroots network of likeminded individuals, all of whom simply cannot stomach the notion of Christie occupying the White House, offers numerous reasons to support their cause.

“It’s bad enough that the RINO embraced Barack Hussein Obama in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, sealing the deal on his second term,” lamented fundraiser Lawrence Trillig. “Add to that Christie’s criticism of the libertarian and Tea Party principles we believe are critical to reclaiming America, and we’re left with no choice but to grease his palm and hope he steers clear of national politics.”

“Besides,” added Timothy Cantilever, who was working the phone bank with Trillig, “it’s incredibly risky to let someone from New Jersey, of all places, run the country—let alone a governor of that state. We don’t want another Woodrow Wilson on our hands.”

A slew of recent polls indicate that Christie is both heavily favored to win his gubernatorial re-election bid and considered the most likely candidate to beat Hillary Clinton in 2016. Still, Christie trails his likely primary opponents when considering the Republican-base voters that will likely dictate the party’s nomination for president before moderates weigh in during the general election.

While 44% of liberals have a favorable opinion of Christie, only 33% of conservatives feel the same way, according to a YouGov poll.

“Sure, he’s staunchly anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, and anti-union,” Trillig granted, “but Christie has demonstrated an unconscionable reluctance to blindly follow the GOP on its rightward march.”

Cantilever suggested, “If we can’t satisfy Christie’s hunger for influence by lining his pockets with more money than he could ever make in Washington, perhaps we could use the unlimited funds to supplement his diet. Surely nobody outside of Jersey would vote for him were he to regain all the weight he’s lost.”

At press time, the Ready for Hillary super PAC has reportedly committed more than $3 million to the effort to keep Christie in New Jersey indefinitely.