WASHINGTON — When members of Tea Party-affiliated groups learned that it was among the groups targeted by the IRS to be audited, they were flabbergasted.
“We’ve been saying for years that the government was intrusive, overstepping its boundaries and wielding too much power,” said Sandra Well, a spokeswoman for one of the groups. “We had no idea we had any idea what we were talking about.” Well said that the group was guided by the “splatter philosophy”: “You know, throw any old nutty stuff against the wall and see what sticks,” but that this was the first time anything had actually stuck.
“We couldn’t believe it. After years of birtherism, baseless claims that ‘Obama is a terrorist,’ ‘Obamacare sets up death panels’ yada yada yada, we finally got something right. You could have blown me over with a feather.”
But other Tea Party officials were less pleased. A source demanding anonymity raged, “This ruins everything! Now we’ll be taken seriously and expected to actually know shit. That’s not what the Koch brothers intended. They meant for us to be a distraction to draw attention from their nefarious activities.”
When asked about the Koch brothers, who secretly funded Tea Party organizations for many years, the official, clad in a metallic helmet with protruding antennas snapped, “Of course we know the Koch brothers funded us. What do we look like? A bunch of loons?”
The brouhaha revolves around documents showing that the IRS targeted groups with “Tea Party,” ”Patriot” or “9/12 Project” in their names for special scrutiny regarding their tax obligations.
The 9/12 Project is a group started by conservative TV personality Glenn Beck. In a statement to the AP, Beck suggested that the revelations were hardly news to him and other conservatives.
Frantic members have been besieging Tea Party headquarters all week. Said Well, “They’re not worried about getting audited. They’re panicked at the prospect that from now on, they’ll be expected to make sense.”