Tea Party Would Open Government For a White President

WASHINGTON – Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner today announced that he has been holding a number of closed-door sessions with members of the Tea Party Caucus searching for a way to gain their approval to reopen the government. “They have agreed to give up on killing or even delaying Obamacare, they’re happy with the level of budget cuts in the Senate package, and they agree upon the urgency to both reopen the government and quickly approve a raise in the debt ceiling,” he reported. “Unfortunately, they are still adamant that the President not be black. So we’re at an impasse.”

The refusal of die-hard Tea Partiers to budge on this crucial issue has led some Republicans to speak out. During an appearance this week on MSNBC’s Hardball, Representative Peter King (R-NY) told Chris Matthews that there are “probably 30 or 40 Republicans” in congress who are driving the party to shutdown the government and refusing to compromise. While he acknowledged that the color of President Obama’s skin was likely not going to chance any time soon, he lamented the President has refused to come to the table to negotiate the issue in good faith.

“Look, they’re not crazy about letting poor people get access to affordable health care, but they wouldn’t have driven the government off the rails over it if Obama’s skin color weren’t so gosh-darned dark,” said King. “I don’t know if the man has ever looked into any kind of whitening make-up, but that may be all that’s needed to get this country going again.”

Sources say, however, that even a paler Obama would have a difficult time gaining the Tea Party’s acceptance. A growing number of Republican Congressmen have publicly questioned the validity of President Obama’s birth certificate showing that he was, in fact, born in the United States. These include Rep. Steve King (R-IA), Rep. Mike Coffman (R-CO), Rep. Markwayne Mullin (R-OK), and House Homeland Security Oversight Subcommittee Chariman Rep. Jeff Duncan (R-SC). Duncan has gone so far as to state that he believes that Congress should “revisit” the president’s “validity.”

“Look, I’m all torn up about closing down government, furloughing all the public workers, cutting off much-needed funding and so forth. I want to reopen the government, I really do,” said Representative Duncan. “Not to say I told you so, but we wouldn’t be in this pickle if had a President Romney. Just saying.”