TEANECK, N.J. — It was supposed to have been the senior prank to end them all, but a flawed rollout left over 60 residents of the Teaneck Assisted Living Facility charged with burglary, criminal mischief, and operating motorized scooters under the influence of alcohol.
Responding to an early-morning alarm last week, orderlies soon discovered the halls covered in brightly colored plastic string and urine, with Vaseline smeared around the doors.
“Nothing out of the ordinary there, at least,” said Trevor Lions, who has worked at the facility for two decades. Only when Lions spotted hotdogs dangling from lockers in the break room did he suspect shenanigans were afoot.
“Hotdogs hadn’t been served in the dining room for weeks,” noted Lions. “We’re still trying to figure out where they got their hands them.”
Within minutes, Teaneck police arrived on the scene, sending the geriatric pranksters hobbling away for cover. Some seniors made it out of the building, while others hid under knitted afghans in the computer education classroom only to be discovered by a K-9 unit from the Bergen County Sheriff’s Office.
“We caught them red-handed,” said Robert Carney, Teaneck’s acting chief of police. “The eczema should clear up in a week or two with treatment, but nothing can ever wash away the stain these hooligans left on the their permanent record sheets.”
“They wanted to leave with a bang,” explained Mohamed Beretey, a fellow senior who decided against participating in the prank. “You gotta leave with a bang, right?”
Ivy Foster, the alleged mastermind of the group, left this world Saturday at the age of 96, without having confessed to the vandalism.
Seymour Lewis, one of the 63 seniors arrested, insists no lasting damage had been done. “We didn’t break anything in the process—well, just my hip, but that’s pretty much a weekly occurrence nowadays.”
Administrators are not sympathetic. They’ve revoked the offending seniors’ “Wheel of Fortune” privileges and limited dessert choices to green and purple Jell-O without any fruit chunks.
The surviving gang of seniors is contemplating a hunger strike, which would still allow for a liquid diet of Ensure.
“Call what they did a senior moment,” said a grieving Melissa Foster, who remains proud of her late grandmother’s last act of defiance. “Just be sure to call your grandma on Mother’s Day and tell her you love her before she heads off for higher education.”
In a related incident, Teaneck police report that Melissa Foster, along with a band of some 60-odd high school seniors defaced their school in an apparent copycat prank. The vandals left a message for their fellow students scrawled on the walls in silly string, “For Ivy.”