Tebow Describes Jets Performance as “Basically Martyrdom”

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — After the Jets’ humiliating Thanksgiving defeat against the Patriots, only backup quarterback and perennial optimist Tim Tebow could offer a theory with some positivity to it. In a press conference following the ugly 49-19 route, Tebow told reporters that the Jets’ performance had all the qualities of a “gruesome, violent, and somehow beautiful” Christian martyrdom.

“When I saw Mark [Sanchez] out there fumbling like that, I could only think of Saint Sebastian riddled with arrows, being violently clubbed to death by infidels,” Tebow said. “I mean, look at Rex Ryan. How is his faith in Mark Sanchez anything but heroic? Even in the face of gruesome suffering and total humiliation, of thousands of people calling for me to play, Rex stuck with this guy. ” Tebow wiped a tear from his eye, gently smudging his John: 316 eyeblack.

“Just being on the field with Vince Wilfork is like being cast into a lion pit. I’m inspired even more now by these guys. I mean, people are upset that the stadium was almost empty in the third quarter, but to me it was sort of miraculous – like a Franciscan monastery set ablaze to kill those inside. Only this time someone failed to lock the victims in. How fortunate!” Tebow then went on to describe the symbolism of the broken ribs surrounding his heart.

But starting quarterback Mark Sanchez says Tebow’s graphic descriptions are doing little to boost team morale. “He just compared my performance out there to agonizing torture and mortal despair,” said Sanchez. “It doesn’t help.”