Table of Contents
- Americans,
- Today is Father’s Day. It’s one of the greatest of all American holidays (way better than Labor Day, which is basically Communist Day in disguise), and it’s usually my second or third favorite day of the year.
- I say “usually” because, this year, my Father’s Day was ruined before it even ended, snatched out of my hands by the lewdness and immorality poisoning this once-great nation.
- Let me explain: This morning, after waking up and collecting my gifts, I headed off to the local golf course (I needed some alone time, you know? Kids can be so annoying). It was a beautiful day, and my swing was on fire, but I soon realized there was obscenity afoot. On the fifth hole, I noticed a group of people waiting behind me. They seemed to be out celebrating another Father’s day, like me, and as long as they stayed patient (I take my time on the greens, as is my American right), I was happy to have them there.
- But, on closer inspection, I realized that the group behind me wasn’t exactly what I had thought. It was what some people nowadays insist on calling a “family”: a couple kids and their parents. All fine—but in this case, the “parents” were two men.
- That’s right: Gays.
- My first reaction was to puke on my Allen Edmonds (thank God they’re leather!). My second reaction was one of pure, god-fearing outrage. Here it is, I thought. Another hallowed, American-male rite of passage, stolen away and degraded by the homosexuals.
- That’s when I knew I had to speak up. As I’ve said before, the current “pro-gay marriage” fad will eventually result in us losing our First Amendment rights—so I decided to tell it like it is… while I still can.
- Brothers and sisters: I’m an American (and only an American now). Here, in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, we men love women—or we don’t love at all. That’s simply how it is, and if you don’t like it… well, I heard France is kind of nice.
- Father’s Day should be the most masculine day of the year. I should be able to drink a Coors, grill some hamburgers and think about the children I made using only the bratwurst between my legs and the miracle of reproduction God gave us.
- But no—instead I’m forced to watch as these other, so-called “men,” who for all I know have never been within three feet of a uterus, prance around and pretend to be fathers. You’ve seen these guys: They act like waltzing into an adoption agency and saying, “Can I have a baby please?” makes them a daddy. And the worst part? People play along with it. They give them gifts and congratulate them on their “fatherhood,” and even “their” kids are convinced! They say, “Nice shot Dad!” and “Hey Pops, why is that guy staring at us?” and never even recognize how wrong their words are, or understand how they’re being corrupted by sinful, puke-worthy lifestyles of the men acting like their parents.
- One of my kids—can’t remember her name off the top of my head—one time asked me if things had to be this way. “Do gay men have to be gay?” she asked, and I heard the sorrow and disgust in her little voice. “No!” I told her. “We can make this a better world!” And I truly do believe that.
- That’s why I recently sponsored legislation that would fight gay marriage, and therefore protect fatherhood from the encroachment of homosexuals. And that’s why the Republican Party in my home state of Texas is bravely fighting for the right to cure gays of their affliction. Reparative Therapy—what we like to call “beatin’ the gay out”—is the only way we’ll convince gays that, if they want to be a father, they have to do it the hard way: through married, godly, heterosexual intercourse.
- Until then, I have some advice for my fellow, natural fathers: This time next year, if you want to honor Father’s Day, you must spend those 24 hours fighting to keep fatherhood pure. Go out and place “Ted Cruz ’16” on all your neighbors’ lawns. That, at least, will be a very good start.
11 comments
Omg…lol this guy really needs to know what a real man is..first off, it takes a real man to have anal sex, second, you can not cure us you dick, 3rd, I wish someone would fix him….what a joke he is…..no clue as to how Americans really are these days, Americans love thy neighbors, not go around saying they want to beat something out of them, You know, maybe I should start a bill that says I would like straight people to have their desires of sex with the opposite sex beat the day lights out of them until they become gay ! Lol..people of America need to realize, Gay people have been around since the bible was being written. Get over it, we have to deal with you straight people, now its your turn to deal with us!
It’s satire people, not real.
I for one thank God we have Ted Cruz. It was a big let down when Bush 43 left political life to become the most famous artist in Crawford Texas, and one of the top 17 most talented. As Americans we need a laugh and although John Boehner and Rick Santorum attempt to take up the slack they just don’t provide the mind numbing “did he really just say that” moments we grew to take for granted with Bush 43. The baton has been passed to the truly worthy hands of Ted Cruz. On behalf of the RNC, you’re welcome America.
Ted Cruz, you truly are an idiot. Why don’t you do the United States of America a favor and leave. Go back to Canada, where you belong and let America live a normal life. people like you are scum and should never open their mouth. So please Ted Cruz, Go away, go far, far away, where we, the people of America don’t have to hear or see you ever again. It would do this country good if you did that.
My son is Gay Teddy Boy ,,,, He would Love to have you step up to him and speak your so called mind to him . It’s okay though I told him you are only a so called man in front of the cameras and wouldn’t stand toe to toe with a real Man like Him . Hide behind your book you F*@kin Pussy if you must because we know you have no Heart for real . The Last Bastion Of The Truly Ignorant is Guns , Their Misinterpretation of the Constitution & the bible , just like you . Putz !
Lets take a look at these new “Republicans”. The first thing they did (Rick Santorum, Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz) was to denigrate higher education with statements like “people with degrees are elitist snobs.The communists during the Revolution, rounded up all the “intellectuals” and put them in “Reeducation” camps. Then, they attacked citizen-paid programs (Social Security and Medicare). Funny, how Paul Ryan was at the forefront of that movement, since Social Security paid for his DEGREE. The Communists banned any aid to non working people, whether elderly or disabled. Next, it was support for tax cuts for the wealthiest of the nation, who basically paid their ways into office. Reminiscent of the Communist “Nomenklatura”, the wealthiest 2% of Russians who funded the Revolution. Fourth on the agenda was the destruction of the middle class, just like the Communists. After that, they insisted on single party rule. Now, who does that remind you of. The new “Republicans” want Americans poor, uneducated and ultra religious. And… they identify themselves as “Red”. Remember “Better dead than Red”?
As much as any sane person hates this moron — and I do, because of, well, everything he has said or done in his entire life — it seems highly unlikely that he wrote this. Dipshit though he may be, there’s no way his PR wonks would let him put crap like this out for public consumption.
I thought he was born in Canada? I love Canada, isn’t it a condition to run for president, that you have to be born in the United States?
So, he is trying to be president of only the straight people? HUH?
Let God be the judge not
Ted Cruz!!
I call bull shit
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