Ted Cruz claims Americans do not have the right to stimulate their own genitals. During his tenure as Texas solicitor general, a post he held from 2003 to 2008, Cruz defended a Texas ban on the sale of dildos and other sex toys, and in doing so made the claim that Americans have no right to masturbate. “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship,” he said. Mother Jones reports that in 2007, Cruz filed a 76-page brief with the US Court of Appeals, arguing that there is “no right to promote dildos, vibrators and other obscene devices.”
Commenting on his failed case before the Court of Appeals, which was rejected by a 2-1 decision, Cruz continued with the same rhetoric, saying that “if we do not stop masturbation right now, we are all going to be judged by a court far more meaningful and terrifying than any earthly tribunal.”
“Masturbation is a sin, and we need to get that through our thick skulls, like, yesterday. But, what’s more devastating than the existence of masturbation is the fact that women tend to use different kinds of sexual aids in order to have orgasms. I mean, as if sex wasn’t enough. That is why every dildo out there should be considered the Devil’s own finger,” he argued.
The Ivy League-educated Republican presidential candidate also went on to say that “we have gotten to a point where a simple dildo, an obscene sex toy made from silicone, is more dangerous for our country than one of the most dangerous and threatening terrorist organizations in the world right now that is ISIS.”
“And what pains me even more is the fact that Americans are bringing this onto themselves, completely free from any outside influences or pressure. We have utterly surrendered ourselves to sin, and will be responsible for our nation’s downfall. Our women are mostly to blame, though the men aren’t completely free of responsibility either. At least ISIS is an outside, hostile organization; we’re used to those. But masturbation as a sin – that’s 100% on us,” he added.
“In fact,” Cruz also said, “where we sit now, we’d better take in as many refugees as we possibly can, because, let’s face it – they don’t masturbate. It’s just not in their culture. So, they might help to balance out the orgasm-addiction American women suffer from. You know, sort of counter out the effects. Or at least, you know, reduce them to a more reasonable amount.”
“Because at the rate we’re going now – and I have a statistic here that says every woman in America between the ages of 16 and 52 has 1.4 orgasms on average per day – we are looking at Armageddon before the election in November. Now that might not be significant to you, but it is very important for me. And I’m betting Donald Trump feels the same way.”
40 Comments
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Gary Millar
.During his tenure as Texas solicitor general, a post he held from 2003 to 2008,he filed a court case regarding dildos as more dangerous for our country than one of the most dangerous and threatening terrorist organizations in the world right now that is ISIS.”
While I think of Cruz as a dildo himself. nobody had heard of or was comparing anything to ISIS during that time period. Doesn’t he say enough stupid crap himself without the press making stuff up and attributing it to him?
Dakin Cain
I can’t believe someon like him and Trump are actually being seriously considered for the presidency. Wth???
Allison Moss-Fritch
He is crazy and he is dangerous…and I can almost tell you what he’s doing in his room on the days he’s not out whoring around…..I would bet he knows EVERY kind of dildo or other toy that will fit in any male oriface….
Talk about a hypocrit and sanctimonious horse posterior.
Alok Srivastava
Where are the people who are not coerced by the devil to say #insanity? This gentleman needs to be supported in front of #freedomofspeech nonsense. I will suggest religious people to make an agenda of spending sometime everyday to support morality in society. Tha man is talking sense. Sin is sin. Of course masturbation has nothing to do with ISIS and I am certainly not undermining the ISIS issue.
Vassilis N. Perantzakis
Right… because the “creator of the universe” cares about you stimulating your genitals, but it is ok for kids to starve!!! Cruz should buy a few and put them up his…
Dugan Mack
It is absolutely amazing to me how many people fall for this. And they are mostly Democrats who do. Which makes sense, since this entire “Satirical” site is only about slamming Republicans. Quick, look at all the links to the stories on the right. ALL REPUBLICANS. Why? Because the Democrats are writing this stuff as a scare tactic to keep the base voting Democrat for the rest of their lives. They know it will work, because they know that the majority of their base is going to eat this up as the Gospel truth simply because it is in print. Kind of a sad commentary, when you think about it.
Richard Green
I would argue sexual repression is far more dangerous than masturbation…for a start is no one was allowed to wank rape cases would increase thousandfold!
Judy Schoene Schworm
Really…why does he just pick on the women? Shouldn’t the male hand be outlawed too?
Jo Ro
So, he’s obviously feels threatened by a dildo. Makes one wonder..
Jenifer Littlefield
Wait… What? 1.4 a day? Where is this happening? I’m really missing out!
William C. Walker
Cruz should apply for a job writing for The Onion.
Raechele L Wilson-Doran
Where did you get the ISIS quote? People are questioning the validity of this article. It’s already up on Snopes.com as being mostly false.
Norman Poisson
I don’t believe in your god so shut the fuck up!
Victoria Smith
Insane in the brain.
Victoria Smith
Insane in the brain.
Jack Leonhard
he is so far out there
Cathy Huffman
poor, poor wifey
Gary Millar
.During his tenure as Texas solicitor general, a post he held from 2003 to 2008,he filed a court case regarding dildos as more dangerous for our country than one of the most dangerous and threatening terrorist organizations in the world right now that is ISIS.”
While I think of Cruz as a dildo himself. nobody had heard of or was comparing anything to ISIS during that time period. Doesn’t he say enough stupid crap himself without the press making stuff up and attributing it to him?
Dakin Cain
I can’t believe someon like him and Trump are actually being seriously considered for the presidency. Wth???
Allison Moss-Fritch
He is crazy and he is dangerous…and I can almost tell you what he’s doing in his room on the days he’s not out whoring around…..I would bet he knows EVERY kind of dildo or other toy that will fit in any male oriface….
Talk about a hypocrit and sanctimonious horse posterior.
Alok Srivastava
Where are the people who are not coerced by the devil to say #insanity? This gentleman needs to be supported in front of #freedomofspeech nonsense. I will suggest religious people to make an agenda of spending sometime everyday to support morality in society. Tha man is talking sense. Sin is sin. Of course masturbation has nothing to do with ISIS and I am certainly not undermining the ISIS issue.
Dugan Mack
It is absolutely amazing to me how many people fall for this. And they are mostly Democrats who do. Which makes sense, since this entire “Satirical” site is only about slamming Republicans. Quick, look at all the links to the stories on the right. ALL REPUBLICANS. Why? Because the Democrats are writing this stuff as a scare tactic to keep the base voting Democrat for the rest of their lives. They know it will work, because they know that the majority of their base is going to eat this up as the Gospel truth simply because it is in print. Kind of a sad commentary, when you think about it.
Richard Green
I would argue sexual repression is far more dangerous than masturbation…for a start is no one was allowed to wank rape cases would increase thousandfold!
Judy Schoene Schworm
Really…why does he just pick on the women? Shouldn’t the male hand be outlawed too?
Jo Ro
So, he’s obviously feels threatened by a dildo. Makes one wonder..
Jenifer Littlefield
Wait… What? 1.4 a day? Where is this happening? I’m really missing out!
Richard Todd
Ted Cruz may be a dangerous demagog, but anyone who thinks they can gain insight from politicops.com is as gullible as the Cruz constituency.
Nigel Rose
Especially if their gunna be that long.
Nigel Rose
Especially if their gunna be that long.
Raechele L Wilson-Doran
Where did you get the ISIS quote? People are questioning the validity of this article. It’s already up on Snopes.com as being mostly false.
Jonathan Bradshaw
If ever there was anyone in need of a good wank, it’s this man.
Jonathan Bradshaw
If ever there was anyone in need of a good wank, it’s this man.
Norman Poisson
I don’t believe in your god so shut the fuck up!
Jack Leonhard
he is so far out there
Cathy Huffman
poor, poor wifey
Sabrina Hami
Dildos aren’t needed like his addiction to alcoholic beverages. He’s just another insane hypocrite. Anyone can search it he is public about how he enjoys a drink.
Comments are closed.