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Ted Cruz: “Dildos Are More Dangerous For America Than ISIS”

  • April 17, 2016
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Ted Cruz claims Americans do not have the right to stimulate their own genitals. During his tenure as Texas solicitor general, a post he held from 2003 to 2008, Cruz defended a Texas ban on the sale of dildos and other sex toys, and in doing so made the claim that Americans have no right to masturbate. “There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship,” he said. Mother Jones reports that in 2007, Cruz filed a 76-page brief with the US Court of Appeals, arguing that there is “no right to promote dildos, vibrators and other obscene devices.”

Commenting on his failed case before the Court of Appeals, which was rejected by a 2-1 decision, Cruz continued with the same rhetoric, saying that “if we do not stop masturbation right now, we are all going to be judged by a court far more meaningful and terrifying than any earthly tribunal.”

“Masturbation is a sin, and we need to get that through our thick skulls, like, yesterday. But, what’s more devastating than the existence of masturbation is the fact that women tend to use different kinds of sexual aids in order to have orgasms. I mean, as if sex wasn’t enough. That is why every dildo out there should be considered the Devil’s own finger,” he argued.

The Ivy League-educated Republican presidential candidate also went on to say that “we have gotten to a point where a simple dildo, an obscene sex toy made from silicone, is more dangerous for our country than one of the most dangerous and threatening terrorist organizations in the world right now that is ISIS.”

“And what pains me even more is the fact that Americans are bringing this onto themselves, completely free from any outside influences or pressure. We have utterly surrendered ourselves to sin, and will be responsible for our nation’s downfall. Our women are mostly to blame, though the men aren’t completely free of responsibility either. At least ISIS is an outside, hostile organization; we’re used to those. But masturbation as a sin – that’s 100% on us,” he added.

“In fact,” Cruz also said, “where we sit now, we’d better take in as many refugees as we possibly can, because, let’s face it – they don’t masturbate. It’s just not in their culture. So, they might help to balance out the orgasm-addiction American women suffer from. You know, sort of counter out the effects. Or at least, you know, reduce them to a more reasonable amount.”

“Because at the rate we’re going now – and I have a statistic here that says every woman in America between the ages of 16 and 52 has 1.4 orgasms on average per day – we are looking at Armageddon before the election in November. Now that might not be significant to you, but it is very important for me. And I’m betting Donald Trump feels the same way.”

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40 comments
  1. Hab Bhatti says:
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  5. Gary Millar says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    .During his tenure as Texas solicitor general, a post he held from 2003 to 2008,he filed a court case regarding dildos as more dangerous for our country than one of the most dangerous and threatening terrorist organizations in the world right now that is ISIS.”
    While I think of Cruz as a dildo himself. nobody had heard of or was comparing anything to ISIS during that time period. Doesn’t he say enough stupid crap himself without the press making stuff up and attributing it to him?

    Log in to Reply
  6. Gary Millar says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    .During his tenure as Texas solicitor general, a post he held from 2003 to 2008,he filed a court case regarding dildos as more dangerous for our country than one of the most dangerous and threatening terrorist organizations in the world right now that is ISIS.”
    While I think of Cruz as a dildo himself. nobody had heard of or was comparing anything to ISIS during that time period. Doesn’t he say enough stupid crap himself without the press making stuff up and attributing it to him?

    Log in to Reply
  7. Dakin Cain says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    I can’t believe someon like him and Trump are actually being seriously considered for the presidency. Wth???

    Log in to Reply
  8. Dakin Cain says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    I can’t believe someon like him and Trump are actually being seriously considered for the presidency. Wth???

    Log in to Reply
  9. Allison Moss-Fritch says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    He is crazy and he is dangerous…and I can almost tell you what he’s doing in his room on the days he’s not out whoring around…..I would bet he knows EVERY kind of dildo or other toy that will fit in any male oriface….
    Talk about a hypocrit and sanctimonious horse posterior.

    Log in to Reply
  10. Allison Moss-Fritch says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    He is crazy and he is dangerous…and I can almost tell you what he’s doing in his room on the days he’s not out whoring around…..I would bet he knows EVERY kind of dildo or other toy that will fit in any male oriface….
    Talk about a hypocrit and sanctimonious horse posterior.

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  11. Alok Srivastava says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Where are the people who are not coerced by the devil to say #insanity? This gentleman needs to be supported in front of #freedomofspeech nonsense. I will suggest religious people to make an agenda of spending sometime everyday to support morality in society. Tha man is talking sense. Sin is sin. Of course masturbation has nothing to do with ISIS and I am certainly not undermining the ISIS issue.

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  12. Alok Srivastava says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Where are the people who are not coerced by the devil to say #insanity? This gentleman needs to be supported in front of #freedomofspeech nonsense. I will suggest religious people to make an agenda of spending sometime everyday to support morality in society. Tha man is talking sense. Sin is sin. Of course masturbation has nothing to do with ISIS and I am certainly not undermining the ISIS issue.

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  13. Vassilis N. Perantzakis says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Right… because the “creator of the universe” cares about you stimulating your genitals, but it is ok for kids to starve!!! Cruz should buy a few and put them up his…

    Log in to Reply
  14. Dugan Mack says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    It is absolutely amazing to me how many people fall for this. And they are mostly Democrats who do. Which makes sense, since this entire “Satirical” site is only about slamming Republicans. Quick, look at all the links to the stories on the right. ALL REPUBLICANS. Why? Because the Democrats are writing this stuff as a scare tactic to keep the base voting Democrat for the rest of their lives. They know it will work, because they know that the majority of their base is going to eat this up as the Gospel truth simply because it is in print. Kind of a sad commentary, when you think about it.

    Log in to Reply
  15. Dugan Mack says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    It is absolutely amazing to me how many people fall for this. And they are mostly Democrats who do. Which makes sense, since this entire “Satirical” site is only about slamming Republicans. Quick, look at all the links to the stories on the right. ALL REPUBLICANS. Why? Because the Democrats are writing this stuff as a scare tactic to keep the base voting Democrat for the rest of their lives. They know it will work, because they know that the majority of their base is going to eat this up as the Gospel truth simply because it is in print. Kind of a sad commentary, when you think about it.

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  16. Richard Green says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    I would argue sexual repression is far more dangerous than masturbation…for a start is no one was allowed to wank rape cases would increase thousandfold!

    Log in to Reply
  17. Richard Green says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    I would argue sexual repression is far more dangerous than masturbation…for a start is no one was allowed to wank rape cases would increase thousandfold!

    Log in to Reply
  18. Judy Schoene Schworm says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Really…why does he just pick on the women? Shouldn’t the male hand be outlawed too?

    Log in to Reply
  19. Judy Schoene Schworm says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Really…why does he just pick on the women? Shouldn’t the male hand be outlawed too?

    Log in to Reply
  20. Jo Ro says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    So, he’s obviously feels threatened by a dildo. Makes one wonder..

    Log in to Reply
  21. Jo Ro says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    So, he’s obviously feels threatened by a dildo. Makes one wonder..

    Log in to Reply
  22. Jenifer Littlefield says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Wait… What? 1.4 a day? Where is this happening? I’m really missing out!

    Log in to Reply
  23. Jenifer Littlefield says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Wait… What? 1.4 a day? Where is this happening? I’m really missing out!

    Log in to Reply
  24. Richard Todd says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Ted Cruz may be a dangerous demagog, but anyone who thinks they can gain insight from politicops.com is as gullible as the Cruz constituency.

    Log in to Reply
  25. Nigel Rose says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Especially if their gunna be that long.

    Log in to Reply
  26. Nigel Rose says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Especially if their gunna be that long.

    Log in to Reply
  27. William C. Walker says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Cruz should apply for a job writing for The Onion.

    Log in to Reply
  28. Raechele L Wilson-Doran says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Where did you get the ISIS quote? People are questioning the validity of this article. It’s already up on Snopes.com as being mostly false.

    Log in to Reply
  29. Raechele L Wilson-Doran says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Where did you get the ISIS quote? People are questioning the validity of this article. It’s already up on Snopes.com as being mostly false.

    Log in to Reply
  30. Jonathan Bradshaw says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    If ever there was anyone in need of a good wank, it’s this man.

    Log in to Reply
  31. Jonathan Bradshaw says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    If ever there was anyone in need of a good wank, it’s this man.

    Log in to Reply
  32. Norman Poisson says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    I don’t believe in your god so shut the fuck up!

    Log in to Reply
  33. Norman Poisson says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    I don’t believe in your god so shut the fuck up!

    Log in to Reply
  34. Victoria Smith says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Insane in the brain.

    Log in to Reply
  35. Victoria Smith says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Insane in the brain.

    Log in to Reply
  36. Jack Leonhard says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    he is so far out there

    Log in to Reply
  37. Jack Leonhard says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    he is so far out there

    Log in to Reply
  38. Cathy Huffman says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    poor, poor wifey

    Log in to Reply
  39. Cathy Huffman says:
    June 15, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    poor, poor wifey

    Log in to Reply
  40. Sabrina Hami says:
    June 19, 2016 at 6:54 pm

    Dildos aren’t needed like his addiction to alcoholic beverages. He’s just another insane hypocrite. Anyone can search it he is public about how he enjoys a drink.

    Log in to Reply

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