Ted Cruz’s Father Says UN Wants Your Bodily Fluids

LONGVIEW, Texas – Conservative pastor Rafael Cruz, father of Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) this week warned that an obscure United Nations program regarding sustainable development is behind California’s worst drought in 100 years, and is only the first salvo in what the UN’s upcoming “War of Fluids.”

“Have any of you heard of Agenda 21?” asked Cruz, referring to a non-binding action plan developed by the United Nations to encourage worldwide sustainable development. “Agenda is all about confiscation of private property. It’s all about the worship of Mother Earth. It’s all about controlling the world’s fluids. Who gets them, who distributes them, and who is forced into Nazi-style work camps.

“They’re coming for your fluids!” cried Cruz, raising his hands in the air.

Cruz’s warning against Agenda 21 was familiar to some in the audience, as many conservatives believe the program is a secret government conspiracy aimed at creating a one-world government. But Cruz is the first to connect Agenda 21 with a diabolical plot involving the United Nations draining bodily fluids out of the bodies of law-abiding citizens.

“Hoard your fluids! Fill every bottle, tub, and tank with any liquid you can find!” he said. “The human body is 70% water, and Agenda 21 – so-named because it refers to the 21% of the body not made of water- is a plot to control that 70%. Don’t let them control your 70%!”

A representative for the United Nations declined to respond to the accusations, because she was doubled over with laughter at the time.