FLUSHING, N.Y. — Although the Transportation Security Administration’s decision to allow small knives on planes has been met with harsh criticism from airline workers, terrorists aboard United States airlines are reportedly enjoying the newly relaxed policies.
“I’m a whittling enthusiast,” enthused terrorist Hassan Mohammed Fadhil as he carried his luggage into LaGuardia Airport. “I’ve always considered it a violation of my freedom that I can’t whittle on board my frequent flights to Washington. I think people were afraid that I was going to use my pocketknife to whittle a wooden knife or something, but I swear that’s not what I need it for.”
Domestic terrorist Jason DeMarini, a confessed psychotic, noted that though he looks forward to having renewed freedoms while flying, the policy changes do nothing to help his plans. “Until they start allowing more than 4 ounces of shampoo, my makeshift bombs will be of no use,” he said. “Oh shit, I can’t say ‘bomb’ in here. That’s still banned, right?”
The new safety regulations, which go into effect on April 25, will allow travelers to carry knives with blades up to 2.6 inches in length. Former TSA chief Kip Hawkley applauded the decision, noting that its agents should also allow “pretty much everything on that is sharp and pointy. Battle axes, machetes.” According to Hawkley, “You can commit acts of violence on an aircraft with what is allowed now. With a Coke can, a key, a ruler, and some duct tape, you can make a 12-inch razor-sharp sword – all from the comfort of their seat.”
Despite agreeing with the TSA policy, Ahmed Hamed Salim Atef, an Al Qaeda militant of Pakistani descent, believes that battle-axes would indeed present a threat to airplane passengers. He was also “confused and put off by Hawkley’s implication that we use only medieval weaponry.”
“Take it from an Al Qaeda operative,” said Ahmed, using his knife to craft some kind of stabbing device out of a Coke can and duct tape. “This would be much easier with a battle ax, but I’ll manage.”