Texas Calls For ‘Separate But Equal’ Gay Army

AUSTIN – Texas Governor Rick Perry responded to mounting criticism of Texas’ refusal to provide military benefits to gay couples by introducing his own plan for reform. The proposal describes a sixth military branch consisting entirely of “homosexuals, bisexuals, and whatever else ya’ll are into.” If implemented, soldiers serving under the “Hellbound Corps” would be exempt from all benefits reserved for heterosexual servicemen.

Texas is one of several states resisting the order to extend military benefits to same-sex spouses of National Guard members. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel issued the order in the wake of the Supreme Court ruling against sections of the Defense of Marriage Act that prohibited federal recognition of same-sex marriages. Texas, Georgia, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Mississippi, and West Virginia cite state laws as grounds for resistance, drawing heated criticism from Hagel and advocacy groups. Perry hopes the Hellbound Corps will bridge the political divide.

“We’ve been accused of disrespecting gay men and women who risk everything in the line of duty. That simply isn’t true,” the governor said. “We merely wish for them to serve in a separate, but equal, capacity. The Hellbound Corps will enable gay soldiers to risk their lives on our behalf without bothering us about human dignity and all that nonsense. It’s a win-win solution, and we should remember who came up with it when 2016 comes around.”

The proposal has received vocal support from several socially conservative politicians. Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant released a statement praising the potential for increased military flexibility. “We treasure every soldier’s life in the current military structure. Adding a branch of more disposable troops opens up some interesting options. They don’t fear the holy fire of the lord, so they’ll fight fearlessly.” Meanwhile, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin supports a parallel modification to NASA dedicated to sending gay astronauts off-world.

During the conference, Perry emphasized his willingness to negotiate and referred to the segregated Hellbound Corps as “a potential bipartisan effort.” He also noted that the Hellbound Corps could be expanded to include “atheists, agnostics, and any other breed of deviant.”

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