Texas Jury: Killing Hookers OK, as Long as it’s Nighttime

BEXAR COUNTY, Texas – According to a jury in Bexar County, Texas, it’s totally cool to shoot and kill a prostitute if she takes your money but fails to have sex with you, as long as it’s dark outside.

On Thursday, Ezekiel Gilbert—who admitted to shooting a Craig’s List escort, Lenora Ivie Frago, in the neck after she took $150 dollars from him and left his home without letting him hump on her—was acquitted of all charges by a supposedly-sane jury. Gilbert’s defense rested on a Texas law which gives citizens the right “to use deadly force to recover property during a nighttime theft”—even if that property was money you paid to get your rocks off.

Gilbert spoke to reporters after his acquittal, saying that, “Maybe if it was just twenty bucks for a hand job, I would have let it slide. But 150 bucks? No way she was bouncing without, at the very least, letting me stick it in her for a minute.”

“Thankfully,” Gilbert continued. “Justice was done today. A woman may be dead, but she gave me blue-balls—so really, she deserved it.”

Gilbert’s attorneys—Bobby Barrera and Roy Barrera Sr.—said that although the law that saved their client was not specifically designed “to keep street whores from copping your cash without givin’ the nookie,” there is “no reason that it shouldn’t.” “Ezekiel was robbed,” the lawyers said. “He paid money for a service, and it was subsequently denied from him. Yes, it was an illegal service, and forcing women into sex—even if you’ve paid for it—is kind of rapey, but they had a deal, gosh darn it, and in Texas we stand by our word, or expect to get shot in the neck.”

Thousands of similar homicides have been reported in Texas since the Gilbert verdict was announced. In most of those incidents, men allegedly shot and killed their wives, whom the men say took “lots and lots of money over the years” while only “putting out once in a great, great while.” Legal experts say that most of the men will likely walk free—especially those with the foresight to kill their wives after sunset, when vicious murder becomes legal in Texas.