Texas Legislature Passes Law Requiring All College Students to Carry Firearms

AUSTIN, Texas — The Texas Legislature today approved a bill forcing any and all college students within the state to carry a loaded firearm with them at all times.

“We want our schools to be the safest in the nation,” said Republican state Rep. Kenneth Sheets of Dallas. “No crazy nutcase is going to burst into a crowded lecture hall with an assault rifle when every single student in that lecture hall is packing heat. He’d have to be insane!”

The bill comes on the heels of one passed earlier this week that allows properly licensed students to bring their weapons on campus as long as they leave them locked in their cars. That bill, first proposed by Republican state Sen. Glenn Hegar of Katy, had sparked debate, with University of Texas System Chancellor Francisco Cigarroa writing to Texas Gov. Rick Perry in opposition to the bill, stating that students, parents, faculty and campus police worried that allowing guns into classrooms “will contribute to a less-safe campus environment.”

The bill also sparked debate with gun rights activists who worried that it didn’t go far enough. “If we’re not going to allow law-abiding citizens to carry weapons on campus, what are we going to do to protect them from the non-law-abiding citizens who are carrying them on campus illegally?” said Sheets. Today’s bill is meant to fix that very problem.

“I know Glenn [Hegar] tried his best with his bill, but come on! When a deranged shooter invades a classroom, he’s not gonna take a time out to let you run to your car and get your gun!” said Republican state Sen. Brian Birdwell of Granbury. “This sweet little legislation means if you see someone unfamiliar lurking in a poorly lit hallway, you’re ready to take him down the minute he reaches for his gun, even if it turns out he was only reaching for his phone.”

With the bill on its way to Perry’s desk, where he is expected to sign it, opponents worried over  the bill’s unintended consequences. “I understand the knee-jerk desire to keep everyone safe, but I worry that arming every single college student may not be the best way to go about it,” said Democratic state Sen. Jose Rodriguez. “I mean, these kids are for the most part between the ages of 18 and 21. They’re up all night, hormones raging, experimenting with alcohol, drugs, sexuality. I don’t know about you, but if I’d been carrying a loaded gun back in college, there’s a good chance one Carmen Dominguez might not have made it to graduation, the two-timing slut.”