Texas Republicans Oppose Criminalizing Bestiality Because “It’s Long Been A Part Of Texan Culture”

It’s not a crime for people in Texas to have sex with animals. When law enforcement comes across animal sexual abuse cases, they often only prosecute offenders for animal cruelty or public lewdness, according to various officials. A bill moving through the Texas House would officially outlaw bestiality, making participation in, promotion of or observation of any sexual contact with an animal punishable by up to two years in state jail. If an animal were to suffer serious bodily injuries or die because of the sexual contact, the offender would face a second-degree felony charge. “There’s nothing in the law that protects animals from sexual abuse,” though 42 other states already ban bestiality, said state Rep. Carol Alvarado, the author of House Bill 1087.

However, a group of Texas Republican legislators is opposing the criminalization of bestiality in the state due to the fact that, according to a source among the group, “it has long been a part of Texan culture.” The group, which has requested anonymity due to fear of public persecution, spoke with the Amarillo Daily Star and argued that Texas “has always been a little bit out there,” as well as that many people have the wrong idea about where the famous “everything’s bigger in Texas” saying comes from exactly. “Look, if the animals didn’t like it, they’re not stupid creatures, they would have all ran away by now. The fact that the cattle business has, in fact, never been better statewide is proof enough that what we and other Texans are doing is, in fact working. And you know what they say – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

They continued, “We realize that in this day and age, bestiality raises more than a few eyebrows, but hey – every state and every part of the country has it’s own, quirky thing that makes it unique. Florida’s got them gators, North Carolina has moonshine, and don’t even get us started on California and the stuff that goes on there. But, when you hear of something going down in Hollywood, the whole world immediately accepts it like some sort of a new trend, regardless of how ludicrous it really is. So, if that’s the case, why can’t our love for animals be our unique thing? We’ve been a cattle-loving state for a long time, ever since the country was founded. You know how they say that the happiest cows give the best-tasting milk? Well, why do you think the steaks made from Texas beef taste so good? It sure ain’t because we’ve got the greenest grass.”

“This new bill would change all that. It aims to strike at the very core of an age-old Texan tradition that’s not hurting anyone, least of all the animals that the bill purportedly seeks to protect. We make sure all animal-to-human intercourse is consensual and of sound mind. There is also a zero pregnancy risk, so that’s not even a remote possibility. At the end of the day, as long as it’s a win-win situation and the status quo remains undisturbed, why would anyone want to mess with any of it? Leave us be. We’ve made it this far, and there’s no reason to change our way of life,” they concluded.