AUSTIN, Texas — Tempers flared in the State Capitol yesterday as Republicans pushed forward a controversial amendment that would legalize rape on the grounds that the act of rape did not lead to pregnancy, and therefore should not be considered a crime.
The amendment was added by Representative Jodie Laubenberg (R- Collins) to her own, already-controversial bill that would ban all abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy and enforce standards that would force all but five of Texas’s abortion clinics to close.
“Really, I think it’s silly it’s taken us this long to figure this out,” said Laubenberg. “I think we’ve been intimidated by the Liberal Left into thinking rape is a bad thing, but come on, if you can’t get pregnant, what harm is there in a little rape now and again?”
The move shocked many in the chamber on both sides of the political aisle, but dissent was virtually non-existent on the Republican side of the chamber, as many were already numb from Laubenberg’s startling revelation as to why rape did not result in pregnancy.
“If a woman is raped… We have hospital emergency rooms,” insisted Laubenberg from her seat in the State Capitol. “We have funded what’s called rape kits that will help the woman, basically clean her out. And then hopefully that will alleviate that.”
Speaker of the House Joe Straus (R) immediately jumped from his seat in his haste to learn more about these ‘rape kits’ to which Laubenberg was referring. “This is amazing!” he said, slamming his fist on the podium for emphasis. “How long have we had this ability? Are they really in every hospital? Why have I not heard of this before?”
He then enthusiastically agreed that, based on Laubenberg’s unconfirmed and erroneous information, he saw “no reason for the State of Texas to waste any further tax dollars prosecuting men whose only crime is that they have raped a woman.” He then asked for volunteers to form a committee to look into the de-stigmatization of rape and how the government could better integrate rapists back into mainstream society.
After explaining how rape kits eliminate pregnancy and proposing her new amendment, Laubenberg left the House floor and informed Speaker Straus that she respectfully disagreed with everything that might follow with regards to her bill, despite not having actually heard any of the testimony that would follow.
As Democrats denounced the amendment as horrific, cruel, and inhumane, Republicans were left weighing their options. “For so long we’ve been told that rape is a bad thing,” said Speaker Straus. “Now here’s Jodie saying maybe it’s not so bad. And she’s got them lady parts, so I have to figure she’d know.”
“I’m actually pretty happy about how this has all turned out,” said Republican Representative Brandon Creighton (R – Conroe). “I’m going to go home and have sex with my wife whether she wants it or not.”