AUSTIN, Texas — Tempers flared in the State Capitol yesterday as Republicans pushed forward a controversial amendment that would legalize rape on the grounds that the act of rape did not lead to pregnancy, and therefore should not be considered a crime.
The amendment was added by Representative Jodie Laubenberg (R- Collins) to her own, already-controversial bill that would ban all abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy and enforce standards that would force all but five of Texas’s abortion clinics to close.
“Really, I think it’s silly it’s taken us this long to figure this out,” said Laubenberg. “I think we’ve been intimidated by the Liberal Left into thinking rape is a bad thing, but come on, if you can’t get pregnant, what harm is there in a little rape now and again?”
The move shocked many in the chamber on both sides of the political aisle, but dissent was virtually non-existent on the Republican side of the chamber, as many were already numb from Laubenberg’s startling revelation as to why rape did not result in pregnancy.
“If a woman is raped… We have hospital emergency rooms,” insisted Laubenberg from her seat in the State Capitol. “We have funded what’s called rape kits that will help the woman, basically clean her out. And then hopefully that will alleviate that.”
Speaker of the House Joe Straus (R) immediately jumped from his seat in his haste to learn more about these ‘rape kits’ to which Laubenberg was referring. “This is amazing!” he said, slamming his fist on the podium for emphasis. “How long have we had this ability? Are they really in every hospital? Why have I not heard of this before?”
He then enthusiastically agreed that, based on Laubenberg’s unconfirmed and erroneous information, he saw “no reason for the State of Texas to waste any further tax dollars prosecuting men whose only crime is that they have raped a woman.” He then asked for volunteers to form a committee to look into the de-stigmatization of rape and how the government could better integrate rapists back into mainstream society.
After explaining how rape kits eliminate pregnancy and proposing her new amendment, Laubenberg left the House floor and informed Speaker Straus that she respectfully disagreed with everything that might follow with regards to her bill, despite not having actually heard any of the testimony that would follow.
As Democrats denounced the amendment as horrific, cruel, and inhumane, Republicans were left weighing their options. “For so long we’ve been told that rape is a bad thing,” said Speaker Straus. “Now here’s Jodie saying maybe it’s not so bad. And she’s got them lady parts, so I have to figure she’d know.”
“I’m actually pretty happy about how this has all turned out,” said Republican Representative Brandon Creighton (R – Conroe). “I’m going to go home and have sex with my wife whether she wants it or not.”
84 Comments
William Highland
I think what you have here is a democrat in republican clothes….I base it strickly on how stupid is sounds and there for I feel that she must really be a democrat in a Republican outfit…
Janette Daniel
I hope you all realize she really did make the comment about rape kits cleaning a woman out. Yes, she is THAT dumb. The story is satirical but is based off of her comment.
Shawn Michael McNeil
I mean I’m not saying I necessarily agree with it at all! but if its like purging it will happen less often.
Robyn Kern
I believe it is satire, however, it is getting harder and harder to determine what is satire and what is not with the republican party………
Adam Conley
You guys are all on a satyrical news site and you still think this is serious. It’s a fictional article. It didn’t occur to any of you to google “the newslo”? Wow
Love Santos
This stupid ass bitch! How dare she say What harm is it to have a little rape every now and again?!? Wtf is wrong with this asswipe? If she was in front of me and said that I think I’d punch her dead in the face!! I was mollested at the age of 9 and then almost raped at 12!!! How dare she??? So, in other words it’s ok for a man to force himself on a woman EVEN after she tells him NO! I wonder if she has daughters or nieces and it was to happen to them or her?? People get traumatized behind being raped!! Smh! I’m in shock!
Steven E White
The big takeaway from this for me is that the State of Texas is a big, tasteless satire.
James Williams
Rick Perry alone is enough reason to consider requiring Texas voters to pass a literacy test.
Mae Garnett
I’m actually pretty happy about how this has all turned out,” said Republican Representative Brandon Creighton (R – Conroe). “I’m going to go home and have sex with my wife whether she wants it or not.”.
– See more at: https://politicot.com/texas-to-legalize-rape-since-it-doesnt-lead-to-pregnancy/#sthash.4w8vX61Z.P7BdMKHn.dpuf.
I like to add, and when you do, I hope your wife pull a Bobbit on you. With a mashatte. Anyeone who thinks rape should be legal is pure sick. Anyone who voted for it to be legal should be bull whipped. The nerve of these people. They are more sick then the man who does the raping.
Ron Marcus
I cannot stop laughing.. I think I am breaking ribs! The comments are hysterical!
Char Bowman
While I immediately figured out that this was satire, that does not negate the fact she did say rape kits are designed to prevent pregnancy and that they flush out the rape victim. Not only does the rape kit not flush out a rape victim, but the purpose of the kit is not related to any possible pregnancy. It is to collect evidence. BTW it has been shown that flushing out with a douche is not a way to prevent pregnancy. If anything, flushing can force sperm up towards the cervix.
Christy Laughlin
Mkay….surely you people know this is fake news?!
Jane Linn McGee
I live in California. I have a daughter living in Texas and if she was raped and Texas said it was legal I as a mother would sue the state of Texas just for being ignorant!
Fernando O'Connor
Is this the State legislature…or a rural one?
Ruth Furtado
Even as “satire” this is in the absolute poorest of taste! Satirizing something as violent as rape is an insult and an assault on anyone, woman, man or CHILD, who has ever been raped!
Hank Davis
If it be satire > Then that makes the whole thing even more sad> This is something > well not to be handled in this way… PERIOD> So many other things > But this…
Garry Hedrick Sr.
This Lady is crazy, Let her get raped, she will change her tune,
rape kit doesn’t stop pregnancy, it is use to get DNA to catch rapist. Stupid
David Cardillo
This is why The Onion is folding – satire can’t compete with reality any more. When reality is so outrageous satire seems reasonable, it’s time to pack it in.
Ima Crook
I know it’s satire… But it has to stop. You’re giving these fuckers ideas!!
The Platzner Post
Great satire! 🙂 Sharing on The Platzner Post https://www.facebook.com/ThePlatznerPost, and Twitter https://twitter.com/ThePlatznerPost.
Diana Sue Scott-Schroeder
Do you all realize how stupid you are? LMAO! Adam Conley…..I don’t think they’re bright enough to understand your big words! LOL! idiots!
Mitzi Hammond Perkins
So be it! Time to start taking out all potential rapists! You have made hunting females a new sport! Don’t look now, but you are female (I think).
Bjorn Van Ginhoven
What a bunch of complete and utterly retarded idiots! Where do they breed these people?
Renee M. Fraser
This can’t be true. It has to be a hoax!
Dannielle Kaye Laws
Gold
Karrie Besherse-Moreno
Please please please let this be fake. No one can be that stupid. Right?
Amy Persun Connors
so she is saying that if a man wants to force a woman to have sex it is ok? So if she gets raped by 100 men and she doesn’t get pregnant a crime was not committed? What if it happen to her daughter? So does that mean If someone kidnaps another person and the person doesn’t get hurt there is no crime? This stupid stupid person should be hung and definitely should not be able to hold any kind of office. She is opening a whole can of worms she isn’t even close to being ready for. What about if the person gets an STD such as AIDS? then is it a crime? I think this person is having an issue because none will have sex with her that she is hoping if she says it is not a crime maybe just maybe she will be raped…lets hope she does get brutally raped.
Howard Lewis
If the present satirist were to be forcibly raped, as in not deciding when the abuse stops, he would stop being clever in short order.
Ashley Knecht
Joke or not– this is NOT funny. This rape culture BS is getting RIDICULOUS. Seeing pictures of girls with a bunch of men saying “I’d rape” is enough as it is! You know how the holocaust started? Racial jokes and pictures against Jews. This rape culture shit is going to lead to more rape cases because APPARENTLY rape is “funny.” Especially since we already had a case in Ohio where those boys FILMED the whole thing!
Leshe Scott
The worse person in my family was born from rape… so the hell is she saying? He has just as much of a nasty disposition as the man who forcibly brought him into this world even though my grandmother never treated him any different then her children through marriage.
Carol Gaye Robson
I wonder what she would say if she had been raped. I just have no words, I feel like throwing up!
Dianne Chatfield
anyone who thiinks this is satire is sick too….not a subject to be “coy” with!
Jay Large
Republcans are officially fucktards…now I can call republican rapists……..sick bastards.
Hank Davis
There is all kinds of stupid> It’s a shame that Soooooooo many of them are our elected leaders…. God Help us….
The eyes of Texas are closed > Just like their minds >….
Virginia Sanchez
I dont think its ok for any human being to rape someone and get away with it and if thats the case then they shud let murder b legal cuz its just as bad as rapin someone
Martha Corry Alexander
Satire, however, it is getting harder and harder to determine what is satire and what is not with the republican party………
Ana B Peters
This can’t be real. The is a joke, right? I can’t believe this is true. I know there are some hicks in politics but this…..no, it just can’t be so…….
Gloria Roberts
I’m hoping this is from The Onion….however, since it’s Texas, one can never be sure.
Abraham Hosea
WOW! Next, the rape victim will be beaten for enticing the man to rape her.
Donald Cissell
I honestly do not even know where to begin with this!
Faith Beliew
Please tell me this is Satire?
Sarch Lalaith
Ok for all these wankers going OMG you’re idiots for believing this Laubenberg did actually say rape kits give abortions FOR REAL. Incase you pretentious pricks are too busy circle jerking while bashing other intelligence to realise it satire doesn’t mean it’s not real, it means it’s a real event that’s been taken and made humourous… that is to say there is an element of truth to it. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/24/jodie-laubenberg-texas-rape_n_3493220.html
Gary Brown
So very funny. Let’s do all we can to make fun of those who object to babies arms and legs being torn off or their spines being sliced by sissors and decapitated. Thank you, Newslo, for standing up for the rights of the Kermit Gosnell’s of the world who only want to make money from killing babies either in the womb or 8 inches away after birth. I want to dedicate a jar of babies feet to Newslo! Well done!
(Of course, I should lighten up, right? After all, they’re mostly minority babies in other neighborhoods. So true. Have a good laugh.)
Brigitte DeMouy
Tragedy she really did say that rape kits prevent pregnancy…they don’t, but it was her rationale for not having a rape exception in her very stringent new abortion legislation.
Kim Regan
I know you are being cutesy David, but think of how it makes women feel who have just been raped and who run across this stuff endlessly put online in a careless manner.
Jackie D Parton
Stupid WomAn…rape Is Wrong…… If A Person Says No Then That Should Be The End!!!!!!
Mitzi Hammond Perkins
Okay then. Time to start taking out the potential rapists..ALL OF THEM!
Jan van Asveldt
This is good for the USA. Maybe it’s satire but to the women that were raped this could feel real! If this becomes American reality I’ll never visit the USA again. Besides that: every woman has now the opportunity to rape a boy (They can’t get pregnant at all!)
John Hetlage
Rape legal rape kits clean out the woman and she won’t get pregnant that is so crazy and it isn’t satire these idiots believe that shit
James Roberson
I cant believe I just read this. What in the world are these people thinking. What is next it is ok to shoot someone as long it does not kill them, because after all we have good doctors that can sew them up after.
Amy Wallace
I’ve lost faith in humanity.
Anonymous
Nothing funny about rape. The person that wrote this is a disgusting, unfunny piece of shit.
מרקוני ליאל
Just another reason why we can’t trust who you put in government to represent.
David Chamberlain
The thing about it is that these people think in these convoluted ways anyway and we in our ultimate wisdom have elected them to represent ourselves. It’s really not all that far fetched when you consider their agenda!
Shirley Wiggins
Well, well, what have we got here in all of this blitz of ignorance in the Texas Leg? So Rep. Creighton is going home to rape his wife, let us just apply this to every issue. Creighton you have just unlock the doors to your checking & savings accts. to be raped, also your house can now be raped and also your children and wife can be raped. Who knows if they know your mother & dad, they can also be raped. What? It all belongs to you. No more ownership of anything, you just legislated everything away regardless of the God Almighty, who set the framework for moral behaviour. I did not know the courts could do that for us. You just stripped God of his rights. Sure sounds like NC is doing the same thing to its people! YOU dirty old gray-haired brainless men, it’s time to apply the Bobbit rule!
Sheila Miller McClure
I live in texas I have never heard of something so WRONG! So this just gives people the right to go around and rape innocent people and not worry about the legal system doing anything about this! How crazy is this. We the people need to stop this at all cost! Think of you sisters, daughters, mothers, elderly women, small children and of course the few men that do get raped! WOW
Karen R Scott
“Legalize rape on the grounds that the act of rape did not lead to pregnancy, and therefore should not be considered a crime.” Please Rep Jodie Laubenberg, Gov. Rick Perry and Texas Attorney General Abbot step down from your office for mocking violent crimes & attacks such as rape. You would not be allowing this or being a part of the mock if you have been harmed like many of us have tried to get you officials to take rape serious. If it had happened to you or someone you loved you would not be making fun of this. This is nothing but pure evilness. You all think you should stay in office! Even if it is mocking anyone that is a part of this should be held accountable. All states but more than others have allowed rapist to get off from their crimes get away to go rape others violently because of your ineffectiveness of serving & seeking justice concerning rape being committed against women. For centuries you have grossly violated human rights & women’s rights all over. Look how many rape kits are just sitting around and not taken seriously & not processed thousand & thousands just sitting on the shelves. It ended up being stacked up because you never processed them you didn’t take it serious. To all officials this mean you do not care for us you are allowing the rapist to continue to rape & destroy others violently. It doesn’t matter if the victim is pregnant or not the rapist should be held accountable & charged. Mocking that rape should be legalized is also mocking slavery promoting an individual should be slavery to violent rape and assaults. You all really make us sick.
Bethan Holland
The frightening thing is not the comments, which are justified in the face of such stupidity, even if it is satire, it’s the fact that people believed it at all. The GOP is a cancer on the right of the Republican party, truly.
Ed Shafer
I suspect this satire, but who knows, the way these vicious women-haters are going, it just could be true.
Lyndsy Monkman
LOL, that picture makes her appear as if she has a cob up her rear.
William Tretiak
OK,,, Rape isn’t just sex, a lot of times its part of a woman getting there asses beat or killed if they don’t want the act. I want to know what fucking idiot thinks this is a good idea. What’s next lets legalize murder! fucking morons. wtf wtf wtf, man I really hope this is not real. because if it is fuck Texas, fuck its politicians, And this world is coming to an end. Instead of raping someone jack off assholes.
Peggie Breneman
Rape kits make rape ok? What about the emotional devastation to the woman? Not a crime? WTF! if this isn’t a very sick joke then the Republican Party needs to oust this sick asshole. Make it legal for a woman to be raped and you can bet your ass it will be legal for me to blow the rapists b*lls off.
Brian Jenkins
I realize there are some very narrow minded people who read this story and believe it to be true. They openly admit on their own web site their stories are satire….people need to realize that not everything on the internet is truth!
Tom Degan
Isn’t it funny when something this ludicrous comes with the byline “TEXAS” we can’t be sure whether or not it’s satire? Here’s something that is not satire:
http://tomdegan.blogspot.com/2010/03/edjukayshun-texas-stile.html
Cheers!
Chris Dox
I say we get together and hold this bitch down “Jodie Laubenberg” and all take turns raping her, but let’s wear a condom so this stupid bitch doesn’t get pregnant. God knows we don’t need anymore ignorant people in this world especially an offspring from this cunt.
Jerry A Confer
The hysterical thing is that you all know so little that you believe a satire site. You don’t know what was in the Texas bill last week – you have no idea! You THINK you know, so you decide to bloviate based on your own hatred.
Alex Scott
Gee, I get that it’s satire, but the rape jokes make it not funny and it’s kinda overstepping some lines. Like I understand the point of what is being said (lol texas republicans don’t care about women), but..no.
Kelli Baumgras
So glad that I don’t like in TX! Really?????” What wrong with a little rape now and then” please…….. This is the moron talking. Wait till something happens to her after this so called bill is passed! Bet she screams RAPE
Austin D. Williams
This is so not amusing… do you know how many Fox News watching idiots are going to believe this is the truth…. David Neilsen you should be allowed to ever write or come near a computer ever again!
Dianne Chatfield
Harsh but she needs to experience rape for herself…so damned sick!
Jackie N Ferrell
Tell that to a little Girl that is Raped and Impregnated by her Father, Brother or Uncle and will not see an emergency room in Texas.
William Tretiak
OMG All, sorry for my earlier post I didn’t know this was a fake news site. Wow man had me going.
Bhavin Sutaria
Heights of stupidity, can’t believe that these kind of people run the most developed country of the world.
Jackie N Ferrell
And People from other States ask why Texan is known as the “NUT” State.
Bea Coleman
Welcome back to the stone age. Will men be carrying clubs now?
Sam Levi
Please tell me this page is satirical…
Peacerocker Perez
Stupid is as stupid does.
Clifford B Schoonmaker Jr
I made the mistake of posting one of these stories to my FB page once. Those idiots were arguing back and forth like it was news. The republicans have won. The voters are too ignorant to cast a vote!
Robin White
are you kidding me here, WHAT, WHAT???
Keith Storer
uhh ya, I don’t think so here. Surely you people can recognise satire when you see it. This is why the Internet gets a bad name, people believe anything they see.
Richard Anthis
What a moron! First off, she has no clue what a rape kit is. It is not to clean a rape victim, it is to gather samples to be used in court if the rapist is caught and prosecuted. Secondly, since rape doesn’t cause pregnancy it should be a crime (moronic idea) Puching the GOP idiot in the face wouldn’t cause pregnancy either, so it wouldn’t be a crime if someone punched her in her stupid face, Jesus! What has the US become?
Vicki Scott
This is one dumbass, ignorant, mean woman and the dolts who support this fool should be recalled! What the hell is the hate toward women? Refuse to visit this state and spend one cent!
Does this hold true for wives and daughters and mothers and aunts and female cousins of these lunatics? Pity the women of this backward, woman hating state! Give it back to Mexico but I don’t think they want it!
Elaine Sonne
I think Texas should secede. They are the stupidest people on the planet. They need to only be with their own kind in their own F*ucked Up Country.
Rob Ritchi
ah good ole satire..
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