The Higgs Boson Particle as Viewed by Owner of Sal’s Pizzeria in Brooklyn

So, it all starts out with the bada-Big bada-Bang. You got nothin’, nothin’, still nothin’s there then POW! Universe. Fresh ingredients everywhere, blows up in a second, next thing you know you’re sittin’ here at Sal’s havin’ the best slice in Brooklyn. But the question that remains, other than how is this pizza truly so good, is still how did the Universe start? So please allow myself, Sal, to explain ya’s all the Higgs Boson.

Now for me, alls I need’s a calzone and maybe some rigatoni and I’m happy, but some guys, they gotta know more. So these scientists build the Large Hadron Collider. Now this thing is top o’ da line, extra large, 17 mile circumference, family size, you get the picture. My buddy Dino’s got one too, says he woulda found the Higgs Boson years ago but his was too small? Hey, who knows, that’s just Dino for ya.

So anyway, they got this idea that the whole universe is covered by the Higgs Field – which is basically the Old Country. Full of unseen energy, origin of everything in existence, generates mass on whatever goes through it, beautiful women, you get it. So now you got this Boson particle, with no mass, this guy’s flyin’ around… eh, basically speed o’ light. Now this fast movin’ Boson meat-a-ball, it goes through the Higgs Field Old Country, and it starts to slow up, take a look around, have a bite to eat, and its kinetic energy turns right into mass. That’s E=MC2, simple stuff, use it every day.

Now back over at da’ LHC, which is I believe in Italy, or at least in the Little Italy part of Switzerland, don’t matter, over there these guys, last July they say HEY LOOGIT DIS WE GOT A HIGGS BOSON TAKE A LOOK I JUST SAW IT but then the other scientists, they’re only 99% sure it’s really da’ Higgs Boson. Now I never been 99% on anyting in my life, ‘cept that I got the best Italian sub in da’ city, but apparently that ain’t good enough for these guys. So as I understand they put it all back in the oven, add a little more cheese, a little spices, highly sensitive observational instruments, gotta try it again, and only now, several months later, can they say what we was all already certain of, that the Higgs Boson does truly exist, and the Standard Model of particle physics is validated.

A bunch o’ paisans around town, they’re callin’ this thing the God particle cuz it makes mass. Thing is, it ain’t got nothin’ to do with God cuz it’s the other kind of mass, and nobody understands this. Which is why I’m here tellin’ ya’s. While it ain’t proof of God, it is a remarkable thing, and I believe it may be proof of Saint Anthony, Santo Stefano, and Saint Francis also.

So anyway, that’s what they tell me about the origin of mass, and now ‘dese guys think they know everything. So what do I do, I send ‘em a slice of my best pepperoni, fastest delivery in town, you know da’ drill – and I says, ‘Hey you got the Higgs Boson okay, now tell me how you explain a pizza dis’ good, eh?’ And what do they say? They say, ‘Sal – we may got the Higgs Boson but lemme tell ya we got no idea what you put in your pizza pie.’

So there you have it. And now, please enjoy my own newest creation, fresh from my Large Hadron Pizza Oven, I present you “the Higgs Paisan.” I suggest you manga before my cousin Tony eats it.