The Shocking Reason Dow Jones Had a Record Day

NEW YORK — Economic experts say a new census measure that revealed one in six Americans lives in poverty inspired investors to lift the Dow Jones Industrial Average to a record high of 15,747 yesterday.

“Any time there is a record day on the markets, we look for answers,” said Professor Ayush Patel of the Harvard Business School. “The reason is usually something like a strong U.S. jobs report or positive German manufacturing figures, but this time it looks like investors were just really excited that they’re not poor.”

Patel said it’s “no coincidence” that the Dow’s record day coincided with the U.S. Census Bureau’s news that approximately 50 million Americans live below the poverty line, about three million more than the official count.

“Guess who isn’t one of those 50 million suckers!” beamed Cory Mosson, an investment strategist at Raymond James. “One out of every six Americans live below poverty, or in poverty, or wherever poverty is, and I’m not one of them.”

“It just makes you feel good!” Mosson added. “Everybody on the trading floor got wind of that stat and we were like, ‘Damn, let’s invest some people’s money while we got it.’”

Since 2012, the U.S. Census Bureau has set the poverty threshold for families of four at $23,492.

“I have a family of four cars in my garage right now with rims that cost that much, so I’m good,” said Jon Poe, a senior analyst at Morgan Stanley.

Poe said he was “moved by the news” that so many of his fellow Americans live below the poverty line, and insisted his decision to “go Warren Buffet on everybody’s ass yesterday” was good for the economy.

“They can’t spend it, but we can,” Poe explained. “The more we earn, the better it is for them, right? It’s called a trickling, or a trickle down–a trickle effect or whatever.”