Third-Grader’s Student Loans Double as Cost of Bathroom Passes Skyrockets

VANCOUVER, Wash.—Students in Miss Shepard’s 3rd grade class are learning life’s lessons the hard way. Forced to “pay” for bathroom breaks with the fake money they earn as part of a classroom rewards system, a number of Mill Plain Elementary schoolchildren have come to rely on payday loans to float the call of nature.

“You bet I’m pissed off,” said Laura Kingbruner, mother of 8-year-old Susan. “When my daughter is left with no option but to wet herself while she’s waiting for her loan officer to approve Susan’s Pillow Pets as collateral, it becomes clear that the cost of lavatory passes has gotten way out of hand.”

As the price for using the bathroom has increased to $50 dollars over recent months, parents like Kingbruner have seen their children’s student loans double.

Describing her daughter’s predicament, Jasmine Al-Ayadhi said, “OK, if you want to use the bathroom it’s going to cost you $50, but then you don’t have money to buy popcorn. What do you think a child’s going to do?”

Many have marched down to the guidance counselor’s office and filled out paperwork to get their loan application started, leaving a trail of tears, urine, and debt in their wake.

Investigations into a steady stream of parental complaints in the district continue, but the teacher’s union rushed to the defense of Miss Shepard.

A representative for the Evergreen Education Association claims that the policy, implemented as a response to frequent classroom interruptions, allowed for need-blind to the restroom.

The union’s statement further indicated that students were never denied bathroom breaks, even if their loans were denied. “The unfortunate reality is that education is expensive. Teachers have a responsibility to educate our students as to the harsh realities of the world,” said a spokesperson for the association.

“If I had a dime for every college graduate without a clue as to how to manage debt after finding herself underwater financially,” the representative continued, “I’d have more than enough to pay for lavatory passes for the entire school district.”

Susan’s loan officer offered this advice, “Keep your assets liquid and don’t send your child to school with too many juice boxes.

“It’s all about self-control.”