UNITED NATIONS — Vast stretches of land in countries comprising the so-called Third World are facing a new crisis, as their streets and plains have been flooded by waves of vomit. The rivers of puke flowed after a United Nations report suggested that hunger — a major problem in many low-income countries — might be significantly curbed if people would eat more insects — an “underutilized” food source, according to the report.
Citizens of the countries mentioned in the report are reacting with stomach-purging disbelief. “Fucking sick,” said Nigerian Abayomi Oletu. “Yeah, I’m hungry a lot of the time, but it’s become even worse since I heard about this report, because I can’t keep a decent meal down for the life of me. Seriously, I’ve been puking like a sorority girl during rush week.”
Others resent what they perceive as the U.N.’s implicit condescension. “What, insects are cool for us to eat, but they won’t eat them, will they?” said Cajuste Benoit of Haiti. “Hey, I’ve got an idea! How about the U.N. sends us all the nice, non-bug-based food they’ve been eating, and they can try eating grasshoppers for breakfast. Problem solved, eh?”
The 200-page report, released on Monday by the United Nations’ Food and Agriculture Organization, argued that insects — already considered a legitimate food in many societies — are rich in protein, minerals and “good fats,” and therefore represented a healthy alternative to beef, poultry and other meats that have become scarce in many areas of the globe. But critics charge that the studies’ authors failed to consider how “downright gag-worthy” the thought of eating bugs is for most human beings.
Since the report, governments across the southern hemisphere are scrambling to clean up their cities and towns, which have become caked in a layer of their citizens’ dried upchuck. “It’s a real goddamn mess,” said Burundi Vice President Terence Sinunguruza. “What little food we did have is pretty much ruined now, since it’s covered in the stomach acid of half our population, leaving it semi-digested.”
But Sinunguruza says he isn’t surprised that the U.N.’s plan had backfired so horribly. “This is what the U.N. does, no? They’re good people — they try to help — but every time we end up covered in shit or, in this case, a few million gallons of barf.”