ORLANDO, Fla. — This week golf superstar Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn confirmed months of speculation that they are in a forced and jumbled metaphor together. The two athletes say they have been “friends” for some time, but their “feelings have deepened” and they feel it is time to take their fractured analogy to the next level.
“This season has been great so far and I’m happy with my wins at Torrey and Doral,” said Woods, a walking suitcase of symbols and signifiers who long ago lost relevance as a human being. “Something nice that’s happened off the course was meeting Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey and I have been friends for some time, but over the last few months we have become very close and are now dating.” Woods neglected to add that angels weep.
Vonn’s statement was equally stilted and unaware of itself.
“I guess it wasn’t a well-kept secret but yes, I am dating Tiger Woods,” said the skiing World Cup winner, millionaire and stand-in for all talented female athletes doomed to be overshadowed by their male counterparts. “Our relationship evolved from a friendship into something more over these past few months and it has made me very happy.”
Celebrity watcher Susan Malevo says the athletes’ relationship will be delicious fodder for anyone who loves celebrity gossip and clunky, overwrought metaphors.
“There’s basically no bad way for this to end,” Malevo said. “These two are not just fire and ice or bleach and ammonia; they’re like fire and bleach. Whether they break up loudly and soon or pathetically fade away, there’s no wrong way for this to go. Even if they grow old happily and have some insufferable athlete kid with the last name VonnWoods – that would fulfill the destiny of their overloaded pairing.”
It is estimated that Woods and Vonn would have a combined worth well over $800 million and eight or nine cruel, twisted fates.