Tim Tebow Wonders Why Everyone Is Doing This to Him

BOSTON — Would-be Christian soldier and all-around nice guy Tim Tebow reportedly hasn’t left his hotel room in days. Friends and family say the 25-year-old recent Patriots acquisition has become depressed and despondent, substituting his usual diet of Gatorade and pizza for massive amounts of marshmallows and caffeine-free Mountain Dew. Photos emerged on Instagram of the quarterback, unshaven and dressed in a bathrobe, writing the words “Footbal Sux” in reverse text on his window.

“It just keeps getting worse,” Tebow’s blog read before his agents had it shut down on Thursday. “All I want to do is spread God’s world and bring glory to His name, but they keep making me play the football with worse and worse people. And everyone hates me. Why do they hate me? I throw the football, right?”

This week, Tebow signed with New England, reportedly after a grueling nine-hour session with “associates” in Bill Bellechick’s basement. The Patriots’ head coach showed the media his sixth confirmed smile during a press conference in which he said Tebow had “signed in blood” before backtracking to state that the charity-driven son of Pacific missionaries had “pledged his blood, sweat and tears” to the team.

Tebow’s career peaked during his time with the University of Florida (2006 to 2009). He led the Gators to two BCS National Championships, became the first sophomore ever to win the Heisman Trophy, and set Southeastern Conference records for rushing touchdowns and passing efficiency. Tebow’s tendency to express histrionically his joy at Florida’s victories – and his weeping despair at its losses – combined with his front-and-center Christianity to make him a vaulted hero of the Gator nation, and a loathsome clown to everyone else.

The Denver Broncos drafted Tebow in the first round, and though his time at Mile High was shaky but far from fruitless, they released him two years later because they had acquired Peyton Manning.

Tebow’s depression began soon after signing with the New York Jets, where he reportedly felt lonely, grew sick of the sport and broke two ribs in a game against the Seahawks. Going from one of the most celebrated college quarterbacks in history to playing special teams with a mid-level franchise, Tebow was repeatedly found crying alone in the locker room and had to be told not wear Gators jerseys to practice.

“He said he just wanted to spend some time with a sweet Filipino,” said Jets head coach Rex Ryan, “so naturally I called him up a whore. Boy, that fuckin’ son of a bitch flipped out like nothing I’d ever seen. Mark made good use of the girl though.”

Tebow was released from the Jets in April, after throwing a total of eight passes for the team.

“That’s enough, that’s really enough,” Tebow blogged at the time. “My name became a meme for praying on the sideline two years ago – if that’s all the glory I can bring to Jesus from this wretched sport, so be it. Football is crushing. The ones who love you always leave, and everyone else detests you for the colors you wear. There has to be more. God is great. Peace, y’all.”