WASHINGTON – The White House made dramatic changes to tobacco regulations last week, altering the proposed rules to allow President Barack Obama to smoke cigars inside the White House.
In addition to the “stogie clause,” other alterations were made, including changes to soften the language used to define cigar-related health risks, and looser rules on e-cigarette sales.
“While cigarettes are losing public appeal, cigars remain perfectly acceptable,” said a spokesperson for the White House. “We are dealing with evil dictators and rebel leaders nearly every day. And honestly, the president needs to come off with more of an edge. What’s more badass than smoking a big fat cigar while running the free world?
“Winston Churchill used to smoke cigars all day, and he was able to face down Hitler. We think that if President Obama picks up a cigar habit, he will have much greater luck dealing with ISIS, Iran, and Vladimir Putin.”
President Obama smoked cigarettes for many years, but aides say that since entering the White House he has preferred cigars, which are “less poor-people-y.”
Despite the changes to the rules, the FDA wants to make clear to the public that the looser rules still don’t make tobacco use healthy.
“While the rules are now more lax in regards to cigars and e-cigs, we still do not condone the use of tobacco,” said a statement released by the FDA. “The proposed regulations were only changed with the intent of making the president cooler and more intimidating to his enemies. If you are not responsible for maintaining the safety of the free world, we would not advise the use of tobacco products.”