SOCHI, Russia – Russian Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Kozak today defended his country’s installation of thousands of miniature surveillance devices in the bowels of toilets throughout the city of Sochi yesterday, saying it shows how dedicated the nation is to ensuring a safe and secure Winter Olympics.
“We know what Westerners can do with their toilets, and what they can hide in their over-sized rectums,” he said. “These cameras will help keep the Sochi Games safe, and they in no way infringe on anyone’s privacy.”
The revelation of Russia’s so-called ‘Toilet-Cams’ comes just days after Kozak inadvertently admitted that Russia was spying on people taking showers in the newly-built hotels. “We have surveillance video from the hotels that shows people turn on the shower, direct the nozzle at the wall and then leave the room for the whole day,” he said, before being whisked away by an aide to avoid any follow-up questions.
“I think it’s very intrusive. Everyone should expect that all their communications, all the technical devices like smart phones, laptops, will be completely transparent,” said Russian investigative journalist Andrei Soldatov, who with his partner Irina Borogan, exposed Russia’s massive surveillance system to the world late last year. “And your bowel movements. Those are now also, well not transparent, but intimately observed.
“This goes beyond surveillance and veers into serious fetishism,” he added.
“Visitors to the Sochi Winter Olympics should not be alarmed,” advised Kozak. “If there is nothing illegal coming out of your bottom, there you have nothing to worry about.”
He then went on to explain that far from surveillance devices, the Toilet-Cams are, in fact, part of a new Russian health-care program to alert citizens when they may have a hemorrhoid.
“Did you know that if a hemorrhoid becomes infected you could die?” Kozak asked. “You’ll be thanking us when your friends are being killed by their own asses, while you’re safe and comfortable.”