Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: I Did Not Smoke Crack Today

Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is facing charges from the media that he was filmed smoking crack with Somali drug dealers. After a week of silence Ford held a press conference to address the allegations, stating, “I did not smoke crack today. Not even once.”

Ford added, “I’m not addicted to crack, I don’t believe the video exists, and I’m definitely not high right now. I mean, look at me…do I have the body type of a coke addict?”

The often brash mayor was even more so during the press conference as he smacked his lips and drank bottle after bottle of Gatorade.

Ford was asked about the Globe and Mail report over the weekend that alleged that he and brother Doug Ford, a member of the Toronto City Council, were a key part of the hash trade in their hometown of Etobicoke.

Ford responded, momentarily angry, “Who told you that? Was it Tony? Was it Justin? I’ll show them what happens to squealers.”

His tone took an abrupt change as he continued, “Why is everyone out to get me?”

It was shortly after that Ford began to compulsively scratch his neck, hiss like a cat, and responded to one reporter’s question by asking, “Does anyone else hear that? Are there pipes rattling somewhere? It’s like pipes rattling and a sort of high-pitched hum. Anyone?”

Ford’s most surprisingly candid responses came when he was questioned about firing his chief of staff Mark Twohey on Thursday after Twohey reportedly suggested that Ford get help. Ford had Twohey removed from the building by security.

Following that Ford’s press secretary George Christopoulos and communications special assistant Isaac Ransom left Ford’s office on Monday. It is not clear if they were fired or quit.

Ford paused after being asked to address the situation and said, “I’m starting to feel a little dizzy.”

Ford subsequently threw up all over the lectern and resumed, “Jesus that felt good. You know how sometimes if you’re feeling nauseated and then you throw up and you just feel aces again? Yeah, that, right now. Whoa. Tons better.”

“Where were we before that? Yeah, so, if you put Dark Side of the Moon to Return to Oz it mostly doesn’t line-up, but there are a few parts that make you stop and go, ‘Whoa. There’s something going on here.’ It’s not like with Wizard of Oz, but there’s something there. Oh fuck, this shit is kicking in. I’m feeling it.”