Trump: “I’ll Get 95 Percent Of Black Votes, It’s Just Their Brain Works A Bit Slow”

While Donald Trump is polling at just one percent with African-American voters, he declared Friday speaking in Dimondale, Michigan that he will win 95 percent of black voters in November. “Tonight, I’m asking for the vote of every single African-American…who wants to see a better future,” Trump told the predominantly white crowd. In a suburb outside of Lansing, Trump asked his audience what African-Americans have to lose by voting for him. “What do you have to lose by trying something new, like Trump?”

After the speech, the Republican presidential candidate was interviewed by Fox News and asked to elaborate on how exactly he’s planning on winning over the great majority of African-American votes, considering the less than ideal position he is currently in. “I have to tell you something, I wouldn’t worry about that at all if I were you, that’s already been taken care of, so you just relax, sit back and watch the magic happen,” he confidently announced. After a bit more persuasion, however, Trump said, “Look, these things have a way of working themselves out, so just don’t sweat it.”

“If you really want to know,” he continued, “I am confident that black Americans will come to their senses pretty soon. It’s just that their brains work way slower than the average person, you know, so it takes them longer to come to the same conclusion, which is that I am the only person able to give this country the bright future it deserves. But that’s perfectly okay, we’ve got plenty of time and there’s no rush at all, I’m not rushing. I completely understand them, just like the President of the United States is expected to.”

“To be perfectly clear,” he added, “this is not me saying that black people are in any way inferior to white people or any other race out there; I did not say that. What I said was, you know, smoking pot 24/7, especially if it’s your own product, isn’t very good for you. But hey, you know, if that makes them feel good and keeps them positive, then who am I to burst their bubble, right? At the end of the day, pot is one of the last remaining bastions of civil liberty in the United States and I wouldn’t be much of a president if I didn’t support our civil liberties, would I? Our forefathers said it and I agree with them all the way.”

Warned that possession and consummation of marijuana is still illegal in many parts of the country, the billionaire businessman quipped, “There you go again with your political correctness and throwing laws in people’s faces. Let me tell you, we don’t need paper laws anymore. What we need in America are laws that are put in movies, in popular culture, in everyday activities. Nobody reads the Constitution; it’s too boring. Maybe we need an audiobook version or something.”

“Marijuana is illegal? What are we – the Soviet Union? You expect me to go out there and urge Americans to quit smoking pot? Not gonna happen – I’m a people pleaser and the future president, but first and foremost, I’m a me-pleaser. And telling people what to do in their own country doesn’t sit well with me. Communists tried to do it and look how they ended up,” he concluded.